Friday, August 22, 2008

Under Armour - The official clothing of Vigilante Drug Ninjas Everywhere!




If you haven't heard, a couple of NJ Ninjas were arrested last night.

Story Here: http://www.northjersey.com/news/Cops_nab_Ninga_vigilantes_.html

If you notice in the photo, both Ninjas are wearing Black, Skin-tight Shirts. One Vigilante -Super Hero Ninja was wearing an Under Armour crested shirt, while the other is obviously wearing an Under Armour jock, as that could be the only reason for the expression on his face.

If I were ever asked to define the word BADASS, I believe all I'd have to do is pull the photo of these two ninjas out and say "BADASS enough for ya, Chuck Norris?"

The thing that amuses me the most is that they dropped a letter off to the guy's Ex-Girlfriend. Really, these guys seemed as hardcore as a roll of toilet paper. The first letter they drop off is a hate letter with a request to stop taking drugs mixed in. ''

I once dropped off a letter to an Ex Girlfriend, it read "Hey, I thought we were going to Bone tonight. You Suck. Have a good life with the Balding Guy. --Ninja Steve"

Monday, June 16, 2008

Honk if you're Horny!

Yeah, so Every couple of years, those of us in Streetsville are serenaded by the sounds of import car horns. Oh, the beautiful sounds of high-toned horns honking endlessly through the streets is like music to my ears. The two nations that show the most horn honking aptitude are Portugal and Croatia.

I would like to take some time to thank said decedents for keeping me abreast of the Euro Cup tournament results. Normally, I wouldn't follow the Euro Cup, but my Croatian and Portuguese friends keep me abreast of their wins through honking parades and public drunkenness.

The Police on the other hand are ding an exceptional job in handling the noise pollution. Throughout the night, as the fanfare continues, and the horn honking cuts through the silence, the Police quell the honking by blaring their siren over top of the honking. If you can't imagine the audio battle between horns and sirens, I don't wish that upon you. If the Police were at all concerned, they'd give out tickets. I can see them giving out warnings until midnight, but as soon as the Horns go past 3:00am, the tickets should be out. Hell, I've been given a ticket for parking in a no-parking zone one minute after the pre-determined parking times. If I was honking my horn 4 hours after the pre-designated quiet time, I'd be surprised if I didn't get a ticket.

Tonight, the battle of the Horns continues. Croatia won a Game that brings them to the Quarter finals, while the Portugese fans are honking to assert their Honk Dominance.

I can only wish that both countries are bumped out of the tournament sooner than later. I'm sure the fans won't smarten up and realize that hinking in a residental zone isn't a cool thing to do.

R Kelly is a Free Pedophile


So, you May or May have not heard that R. Kelly has gotten off on his most recent Pedophilia charges.

If You didn't Know, Her's the Rundown. He was videotaped with a 13 year old girl. When caught his defense changed from "It Wasn't Me" to "I was me, but she was of age" to "It Wasn't me, it was my brother" finally to "It wasn't me, it was an elaborate set-up with a Look alike, body double (including mole on my back), an exact duplicate of my room, and someone had to have hidden the tapes in my house"

Unfortunately, the parents of the minor dropped the charges and settled out of court before the hearing was judged in court.

Recently, R. Kelly was brought up on even more exploitation of a youth charges. To bring you up to speed. R. Kelly Married Aaliyah when she was 15, only after dating her for a few years. A few years ago Aaliyah perished in an airplane accident. More recently, R. Kelly was brought up on charges. The evidence against him was : Photographs, Multiple video tapes and victim testimony.

Across a few weeks, the district attorney sweet talked the jury with evidence, factual photographs and victim testimony. The defense opted to take the high road and disputed the evidence by stating the possibility that all the evidence was tampered with and was fabricated. The District Attorney's office submitted victim testimonials and proved out that R. Kelly brought photos/video footage with him in a knapsack to various parties to show off his exploits. Although the DA managed to produce Multiple victim and witness testimonies, the Jury wasn't convinced.

The Jury felt that although the victims were probably underage, there was no way of proving out the dates of the films/photographs. Seeing as how witnesses testified to the dates of the videos, the Jury overlooked that evidenced and felt that R. Kelly should be a free man.

Now, I'm pretty repulsed by this. Who in their right mind would let R. Kelly free? Maybe they needed more concrete evidence? You know what might have helped? Maybe they needed video? Nah, How about Witness testimony? Nah, Maybe photographs with his Grammy awards in them? Either way, it proves that Celebrities live by different rules and the grand public lets them.

I'm horrified

Monday, June 02, 2008

Goodbye Monkey Boy

My Dog passed away this morning. 4:00am. I knew this day would come sooner or later, but it was still a shock. In November, he would have turned 12 years old (people years, because really, what the hell are dog years anyways?). I couldn’t have asked for a better dog while growing up. He was attentive, intelligent and affectionate, not to mention a great protector.

We came upon Taylor accidentally. Growing up, my parents didn’t want a dog. Reasonably, they felt that having a dog would limit our vacation choices, and would be a lot of work to keep. Most people don’t want to look after your dog as you go on a month-long trip through Europe. We vicariously owned dogs through our grandparents (Killer) and Neighbour (Smokey). We even bough a couple of Guinea Pigs to keep as pets (Chip + Thumper lead to Gizmo and Dale). At the age of 18, I started looking to buy fish to fill an aquarium left in the basement by my sister. I soon realized that fish sucked and I’d be elbow deep in Fish poop, weekly, as I cleaned the aquarium. My interests turned to Geckos. I searched a few pet shops but couldn’t find any Gecko I liked. I soon realized that I didn’t want a fish or a Gecko. I wanted a dog. My Dad clued in on it sooner than I had. While at PetSmart, searching for a Geko, my dad turned to me and said “You don’t want a lizard do you.” I confessed that I wanted a dog, and terminated the Gecko hunt. As it just so happened, one of my dad’s co-workers had a litter of Black Lab/Shepherd puppies. We all approached my mom and told her we were ready to buy a dog. She too was willing to get a dog now that we were all older. Mom had only one stipulation. The stipulation being that we had to get a small to medium sized dog. She didn’t want an overwhelming dog in the house. Big dogs also tend to shed a lot more. Seeing as Lab/Shep puppies will grow to be a fairly large sized dog, the litter was left out of the selection process. As a family, we decided that the dog we get has to be unanimously approved by the family, and that we were to adopt a dog from a shelter. My dad did most of the leg work, visiting shelters on his lunch breaks, and taking us over when he found one that he thought we’d all like. Unfortunately, this process was long and drawn out. We couldn’t all agree on a dog we liked. As our search continued, the litter of Lab/Shep puppies, up for adoption by my dad’s co-worker were being scooped up. By mid-December, the Lab/Shep puppies had all been spoken for, and our search for a new dog was fruitless. Things weren’t looking good on the adoption-front until my dad found out one of the Lab/Shep puppies was back up for adoption. The original owner had to back out. Seeing his opening for adoption, my dad put together a plan that would us our very own Lab/Shep puppy. He brought home one of the litter Lab pup photos to show my mom. The studio dog photo had a barely 8 week old Lab pup sitting in front of a winter landscape, as the puppy adorned reindeer antlers. This photo was equivalent to the family Christmas portrait. One look at the photo and my mom had to have a lab puppy of her own. The next day, my dad brought home Taylor.

One of my favourite memories of Taylor was how he would wait up for me as I came home late from the bar. All throughout college and a few years later, Taylor would sleep at the top of the stairs, waiting for me to come home from the bar. As I unlocked the door each of those times, and stepped in at some early morning hour, he wouldn’t bark, as he normally would, should anyone enter the house. Taylor would lie on his side, without a moan or a bark; he’d wag his tail as I climbed the steps to my room. The wagging of his tail sounded like the quick whipping of a muted drum. As I went to bed and closed my door, Taylor, now satisfied that I made it home, would proceed back into my parents’ room and climb into their bed for the remainder of the morning.

I have plenty more Taylor stories I could tell. He was a great dog with a wise and compassionate character. He left us as I remember him, wagging his tail a he passed away.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Wasabi Tuna Recipe

I thought I'd throw down a recipe I came up with. As some of you may know, I really love to grill. This recipe I came up makes use of the grill.

You'll need:

4 Tbs - Teriyaki sauce (Kikkoman is my fav)
2 Tbs - Soy Sauce (Kikkoman once again)
2 cubes - Crushed Frozen ginger
3/4 Tsp - prepared Wasabi
1 Tsp - Sesame oil
2 - Tuna Steaks (Thawed if bought frozen)
1/2 Tsp - Coarse crushed pepper
4 Tbs - Sesame seeds

Preparation Instructions:
  1. Combine the Teriyaki sauce, Soy sauce, Ginger, Wasabi, Sesame oil, and pepper in a shallow marinating bowl.
  2. Let the ingredients to set and mingle for 5 minutes.
  3. Preheat the Grill to Medium-High heat.
  4. Place the Tuna steaks in to the marinade, flip after 2 minutes of marinading. The Tuna absorbs flavor really quickly so you don't have to marinade for very long.
  5. Once you've marinated the steaks, and the grill is at the proper temperature, coat the steaks in Sesame seeds.
  6. Place the steaks on the grill at 4 minutes per side (medium cooked steaks).
  7. Flip the steaks only once, being sure not to lose too many sesame seeds.
This recipe works well pan seared with other fish. I've tried it with tilapia and Mahi Mahi.

Sunday, May 04, 2008

Crap I found on eBay

Seeing as how it's May, the sun is out and perfect Garage Sale weather, I decided to brows the world's largest garage sale for some of the more ridiculous items on sale this week. In no specific order here They Are:

#1 - World's Largest Untreated Sapphire
Yes for only pocket change, you can purchase this "Museum Grade" Gemstone. The price tage is a mere $1.5 Million. Nothing says "High Class Trailer Park" like a giant useless gem. You'd think the Seller "browny55" would be selling petrified animal dung instead of priceless giant gemstones.



#2 - Fetus Chips
This item, listed as an Alien-Fetus Chip looks more like Quatto from Total Recall. Maybe it's just me, but if there's something that looks like this growing inside you, please get it checked out.


#3 - Fried Penis
Mental note, Never go to Frumby Joe's in Johannesburg Missouri. It appears that the line cooks are castrating themselves, frying up the junk and selling it off as cauliflower. IT kind of freaks me out that they call it "Manhood". I think they'd have gotten more than 2 hits in a week if they called it Dude Sausage, tube steak, wang, tally whacker, pecker, dork, or any of the other countless names for a penis.



#4 - Online Spells at 10% off!
Brace yourself! You too can cast spells to shine like a star. But wait, there's more if you order TODAY only, we'll discount the price by 10%. Not satisfied? Check out their 100% feedback rating. Still not convinced? If you're not completely satisfied by the spell, you're guaranteed your money back! Buy this Magic Haunted Super Stone and you'll Shine like a star. If I were the Government, I would think that selling stones that make you Glow would be against the Law. The only stones I know of that can make you glow (With a side effect of burning urination), is Plutonium. Could it be that eBay is the new black market for radioactive plutonium?



#5 - Mormon advice - Red this lady's issues
I was at home the other day and thought to myself "Hey, Wouldn't it be great if there were someone I could call for Mormonly advice?" My Prayers were answered this morning. I found an unaccredited Mormon advice service through eBay. Take That Jo Jo's Defunkt Psychial Alliance! A few questions come to mind. 1) Why can't you just ask your mormon priest for advice? 2) Why is there a child with sunglasses as the listing photo? 3) How can you be a recovering Porn Addict, and not know if you're clean? Is there a healthy amount of porn? Actually, is there an unhealthy amount of porn? 4) Lady Kataana sounds like a wicked Porn name. I'm writing a porn about a poly amourous mother of 2 who needs to overcome her additions to smoking porn and stiff Manhoods. Are you looking for a job?



#6 - Dork Dominance Cock Pump
Have you ever felt like your manhood isn't long and skinny enough? Me too. Well, I came across this Gem and would be crazy not to buy it for the bargain basement price of $170. No longer will I be looked down upon in the shower. I will soon be able to hold my head up high through the excruciating pain of having my shaft pulled clear from the shaft socket. I had braces for 4 years, and if this schlong stretcher (which works on the same principles) is anything like my braces, I pity the man who buys this. Medical note: Do not mix this device with 4X Male Enhancement pills. You're liable to snap the brace off and seriously injure bystanders with penis enhancing shrapnel.