You complicate me - Thanks Facebook

I have to comment on the "complicated" relationship status on Facebook.

Imagine watching Jerry McGuire and instead of hearing Tom Cruise say "You complicate me". Not so glamorous eh? Well, that's how I think of the "Complicated" status. What is "Complicated"? Is it half way between committed and dating? To me being in a relationship is like being half pregnant. You either are or aren't.

I just thought I'd throw it out there. I'm puzzled by the complicated status.

Where did we go wrong?

So, I thought it would be funny to list some of my more memorable date/relationship occurrences I’ve encountered over my “dating life” up to this point. Some people may able to relate, while others may be able to pick themselves out of this list. Please enjoy the list and take no offense, as it’s all in good fun. Relatives and people who think highly of me may not want to read any further.

-You thought I sculpted my “John Travolta” chin with my fingers each night
-I don’t want to date you. You’re a Drug Dealer.
-You were upset when I made you breakfast in bed because I woke you up when I washed your dishes
-You need to drive too sometimes
-You didn’t know the meaning of “Stop Short” or “Cop a Feel”
-You are married??
-You took Valium on our second date and couldn’t walk on your own
-You drip slobber on my chin when we kiss
-You never drove, and made me drive to the club on my birthday
-Your cousin made us late because she wanted to have sex in a field
-Your Ex came up in conversation far too much
-I’m sure we both like oral, so please, return the favour
-You never introduced me to your family… even after two years
-Your best friend thinks you’re insane… See the third point
-I was scared of your driving
-Let’s talk about me sometimes
-It’s ok to smile once in a while… some people actually think I’m funny.
-Don’t set me up on a blind date if the only photo you have is 10 years out of date – A lot can change in 10 years
-You didn’t buy me a drink after I caught your pick pocket
-You’re not fun to sleep with
-You get too drunk to do anything - every night
-You talk like a farmer
-Silence is not always golden it’s ok to be loud sometimes
-Quit staring at me – it creeps me out
-When I go down, I have no choice but to swallow, how about you take one for the team
-Harry Potter sucks more than you think it does
-You always smell like cold cuts
-I found a used condom in your room – It wasn’t mine
-It’s ok to pick up the bill once in a while
-I don’t like breast milk
-You really should warn people where you apply your numbing gel. I was liable to bite off my tongue
-I’m not your muse.
-Your cats make the house smell like crap
-I know it was you! I know it was you! There’s only two of us in the car, and it wasn’t me

The Bermuda love triangle

Since my life is somewhat of a bore recently, my friends took it upon themselves to thrust me into their relationship woes. One of suck incidents is the story of Bryan and Martina. The names have been changed to protect the innocent. Actually, I changed the names because it makes it feel a lot more covert this way.

Saturday morning, I was up at 8:00 am, working hard at rebuilding my home PC, when all of a sudden I receive a group MSN message from one of my best friends. The message reads something like this “From: I AM A BIG CHEATER, I DON’T DESERVE MARTINA BECAUSE I’M A LIAR AND NEED THERAPY: Message: I’M A LYING CHEATER WHO HAD SEX WITH A 19 YEAR OLD AND PRETEND I’M 23. I NEED SERIOUS THERAPY”

Knowing my friend would never send out a message like this, I called him to make sure everything was on the up and up. He knew right away that his ex had logged into his account, changed his name and send a mass MSN message to everyone on his contact list. I was asked to run some damage control. As a good friend, I logged into his account, changed the password and sent out a message noting that it wasn’t he who sent the message. Everything fixed! I’m such a good friend; I deserve a pat on the back, or a Porsche. Before I could log off, one of his female coworkers sent a suspicious message to his account. Knowing who she was, I identified myself as Steve, and assured her that Bryan did not send out any messages. The coworker response was again suspicious.

My friend came over to my house and brought me up to speed on his situation.

He and his girlfriend broke up. They decided to try and work though their issues, but the relationship was far from stable. Friday night, his girlfriend paid him a visit at work, and was treated to a brood of female coworkers, each with an axe to grind about Bryan. They regaled her with tales of his possible infidelity, womanizing and general attitude toward his female coworkers. All of the tales unsubstantiated, but were enough to cause the troubled couple to break up once again. Martina slapped Bryan in front of his coworkers as she stormed out. I’m sure the coworkers felt a sense of accomplishment and justice as their meddling had caused grief for their nemesis.

So, here we are back to Saturday afternoon, where Bryan is in need of some cheering up and direction. As most guys deal with grief, I offered him beer, chips and porno. He accepted the porno. As Bryan left, I received a message form Martina. She wanted to express her sympathy for dragging me into the situation. Instead of me accepting the apology and letting her go on her way, I defended my friend and questioned the motives of the coworker informants. This led to a lengthy MSN discussion that took over most of the day. In the end, it turns out the coworkers really weren’t as honest as one would think. They definitely had an agenda and malicious intentions. To my knowledge, Martina and Bryan still aren’t together or on speaking terms. I am no longer a part of this situation, and nor do I want to be.

My gripe with this situation would have to be the coworkers. This incestuous group of schemers must have been looking to cleanse their souls in some way. I don’t know how to describe this group of people. They live like gypsies, with no common bonds, or order, just the law of the land and look out for themselves before others. If you haven’t already guessed, they’re servers at a chain restaurant. Unable to see further than their next paycheque or screw, and consumed by the server lifestyle, they have nothing better to do than to spread rumours and lies about a guy trying to better himself and build his life. Please don’t get me wrong. Not all servers act this way, but this particular store seems to find the lowest of the low.

I had to get this off my chest as this entire incident managed to rob me of a weekend fo relaxation and computer rebuilding.

Did I dodge a bullet or miss the bullet train?

While shopping for my older sisters Birthday gift (she’s a Christmas baby), I ran into an Ex girlfriend. Now, while this may not sound too strange, let me give you a little bit of history.

History:

She was my first ever girlfriend. We started dating in college, and maintained a relationship that lasted two years. I say “maintained” because by the end of it seemed like we were going through the motions of a normal relationship. Things were pretty much middle of the road. Aside from the usual couple’s spats, nothing significant happened. I eventually ended the relationship, hoping to find something more interesting, something less normal, something more me. That didn’t sit well with her, and we have never talked since. I saw her in the mall a couple of years ago. When I approached her to say hi, she took off with her mother and husband in hand.

So, I bring myself back to yesterday. While shopping for a gift, I saw her in the mall with her husband, child in carriage and another one on the way. For a moment there, I dodged a bullet. The baby bullet. I knew she wanted to settle down and that wasn’t for me at that time. I was 23, had only had one girlfriend and was just starting my college social life. I couldn’t be tied down, and wasn’t about to go out and have fun behind her back. So I cut loose and let her on her way.

The sight of her with baby caused me to think about all my past relationships, and to wonder what they’re up to now. I’m not going to go out on a “High Fidelity” inspired Ex hunt, but I do wonder what else I dodged. I believe that all my past relationships ended for good reason. Whether it was her infidelity, my blasé, or not wanting to be with the most miserable person alive, I have decided to end three quarter of my relationships. I initiated the break up in 3 of 4.

So, am I being too picky, or is it a matter of not wanting to settle? I prefer to think that I just don’t want to settle. It’s really not fair to either party involved. My friends tend tot think I’m being too picky. But that’s only based on my history. There’s really no truth behind it. They tend to pint out the fact that I stopped dating people for the following reasons: Looked like a cat, smelled like sausage, didn’t have a job or car, was a drug dealer, was too old, was too young…

To me, these are just dates. They’re not relationships, and I believe that all the past relationships ended for good reason. Albeit I’ve only had 4 serious relationship, they all started with good intentions and ended honestly and for very good reasons.

I really do think that back when I broke up with my first girlfriend, I did dodge a bullet. However, it does bring something to light. I think I’ve come to the point in my life where I probably want to start looking for a serious relationship again, but really don’t want it to cause me to settle.