You know what grinds my gears??

Yeah, so I thought I'd take a page out of the Peter Griffin/Family Guy book to create lists of things that "Grind My Gears"

-Having my windows down and driving behind smokers. I know that it's public air and all, but I don't want to smell your tobacco waft.

-Drive Through never gets your order right. I'm sure they have some sort of system to purposefully screw up your order. How can it always be wrong?

-Splitting drink/meal bills among friends. Every time someone takes it in the pooper, and if it's not someone at the table, it's the server.

-Slow Drivers. Need I say more? no? but I will. If you want to drive slow, take the bus. You'll get there in the same amount of time and conserve energy.

-Children with snot wads hanging from their noses. Hey Parents! I know looking after the booger flow can interrupt your relaxing Tall Mocha Non-fat Latte, but really, I'd like to enjoy mine without being reminded of Slimer from Ghostbusters. **Double Gross when it runs down the chin and the kid starts playing with it.

-People who don’t wave when you let them into the lane. Hey Pal, I just did you a favour. Either you wave, or I’m going to sling used batteries at your car. That should be an allowed law. Conversly, I can't stand people who don't let merging cars in. It's the law. Let them in. Attica! Attica!... ok, wrong context.

-People who ask to bud in line because they “Only have one item”. My answer is usually NO. Why? Hey, if I wanted to wait in line a little longer I would have picked a longer line. I see the shortest line because I want to wait as little time as possible.

That’s about it for this installment of “What Grinds My Gears”

BONUS: Calvin pissing on things. What's the deal with that? That sticker doen't need to be in your car window.

Where did we go wrong?

So, I thought it would be funny to list some of my more memorable date/relationship occurrences I’ve encountered over my “dating life” up to this point. Some people may able to relate, while others may be able to pick themselves out of this list. Please enjoy the list and take no offense, as it’s all in good fun. Relatives and people who think highly of me may not want to read any further.

-You thought I sculpted my “John Travolta” chin with my fingers each night
-I don’t want to date you. You’re a Drug Dealer.
-You were upset when I made you breakfast in bed because I woke you up when I washed your dishes
-You need to drive too sometimes
-You didn’t know the meaning of “Stop Short” or “Cop a Feel”
-You are married??
-You took Valium on our second date and couldn’t walk on your own
-You drip slobber on my chin when we kiss
-You never drove, and made me drive to the club on my birthday
-Your cousin made us late because she wanted to have sex in a field
-Your Ex came up in conversation far too much
-I’m sure we both like oral, so please, return the favour
-You never introduced me to your family… even after two years
-Your best friend thinks you’re insane… See the third point
-I was scared of your driving
-Let’s talk about me sometimes
-It’s ok to smile once in a while… some people actually think I’m funny.
-Don’t set me up on a blind date if the only photo you have is 10 years out of date – A lot can change in 10 years
-You didn’t buy me a drink after I caught your pick pocket
-You’re not fun to sleep with
-You get too drunk to do anything - every night
-You talk like a farmer
-Silence is not always golden it’s ok to be loud sometimes
-Quit staring at me – it creeps me out
-When I go down, I have no choice but to swallow, how about you take one for the team
-Harry Potter sucks more than you think it does
-You always smell like cold cuts
-I found a used condom in your room – It wasn’t mine
-It’s ok to pick up the bill once in a while
-I don’t like breast milk
-You really should warn people where you apply your numbing gel. I was liable to bite off my tongue
-I’m not your muse.
-Your cats make the house smell like crap
-I know it was you! I know it was you! There’s only two of us in the car, and it wasn’t me

Magic Spray Allover My Face

Note: To all Doctors, Medical Researchers, Lab Technicians, and Nobel Prize hopefuls:

If you’re looking to cure the world’s most notorious ailments, including but not limited to hang nails, bruises, broken bones, cancer, AIDS, erectile difficulty... look no further than the world’s most popular sport. Soccer has discovered a miracle spray that seems to cure all ailments. I’m sure this miracle spray can cure anything with which it comes in contact.

I have had the privilege of watching many Soccer events. No matter if you watch World teams, Premier leagues or Amateur leagues, Soccer trainers seem to have an abundant supply of this “Magic Spray”. Regardless of the magnitude injury, you’ll be sure to see a trainer run out on to the field with a stretcher in one hand and the “Magic Spray” in the other. With the “Magic Spray”, the trainers ease the pain, rejuvenating players and allowing the noble soccer start to continue on with their elite play.

I can recount numerous occasions where a player has been laying on the turf, writhing in pain, tears running down his face, and as soon as the yellow card is issued to the offending player, and the magic spray is applied, to the injured player miraculously curing him and allowing him to continue his play as if he no longer hurts. I know it sounds fantastic and impossible, but believe me! It’s true! The “Miracle Spray” does possess powers beyond my comprehension.

I implore all medical experts to test the powers of the “Magic Spray”. I have seen the noble soccer player, tackled in mid-field; the tackled player’s arms flailing, followed by a six foot leap into the air and finishing with a tuck and roll technique, only to land squarely on his side, grimacing and shrieking in pain. A fall this gruesome could only be accompanied by broken bones and ruptured spleens, yet, the one and only thing that can cure his anguish is to wait for acknowledgment from the ref and to have a member of the trainer staff apply the mystic mist from the “Magic Spray”

John Ferguson Jr. Must be released for the Leafs to have a chance at success.

I seriously doubt that MLSE brass would actually read my blog, but in the rare hope that they do, please take my advice, and fire JFJ. Before you go ahead and dismiss my request, please read on and you’ll soon discover that although the current GM has made some wise decisions, they are far overshadowed by his gaffs and misses. Nevertheless, I do believe that maybe one day, JFJ will be a great GM, the Leafs fan base cannot sit idly by and support a developing GM.

It has been close to four years since JFJ was hired as GM of the Toronto Maple Leafs on Aug 29, 2003. During that 4 years, the Leafs have fallen from a playoff favourite to a post-season phantom. JFJ’s tenure and timing could not have been set-up any better. With the aid of a lockout, JFJ had the opportunity to mould the roster into anything he wanted. The Lock-out afforded him the time to wait out any heavy contracts signed by the previous GM as well as pick from a two year pool of unrestricted free agents. His actions and decisions did little to improve the organization. A list of noteworthy signings and gaffs would include the overpayment and signing of Pavel Kubina, Bryan McCabe, Jason Allison, Jeff O’Neil and Aki Berg. Although I do believe that both McCabe and Kubina are assets to the team, the price paid and sacrifice of money in a salary capped league restricts the potential signing of other players. Signing Tough guy Tie Domi to a 2.5 Million contract was quite the head scratcher. With the likes of Ben Ondrus and Wade Belak to take the reins as the team’s heavy fists, what would be the use in re-signing Tie Domi, only to have him retire the following year?

One of the most frustrating inactions of JFJ is his inability to make a marquee decision or trade. Two trade deadlines have come and gone during his tenure and he has failed to make a significant move at either season-changing point. His ability to straddle the fence and not make a season altering decision is only overshadowed by his signing of former Toronto Maple Leafs (al la Luke Richardson, Drake Berehowsky, Travis Green, Yannic Perrault). Two straight trade deadlines and twice, JFJ was faced with the decision to improve the team and make a legitimate run at the playoffs, or to give up on the season and deal out the that summer’s free agents for draft picks or future talent. The repercussions of throwing in a season at the February trade-deadline would normally be a possible dip in ticket sales or season ticket holders however, the ACC is sold out every game, and season tickets will still sell no matter how poorly the team does, as proven by the Harold Ballard years.

MLSE, please take my advice, pick up a “Byan Colangelo” for the Toronto Maple leafs. As you did with the Raptors, drop the Rookie GM, and pick someone with experience who can turn the team around.

Please! Bring us a team that will not only beat the Senators in the Playoffs, but also in the Regular Season.

Until then.... Go Sens Go??