2006, please meet 2007.

The final Blog of 2006 Woo Hoo!

Then again, I really didn’t start my blog until this month. In any case, Happy New Year to everyone who actually takes the time to read my blog. To everyone else, you can have a mediocre New Year :P.

2006 ushered in a lot of change for me. I moved into a new apt. with a new roomie, switched jobs, and broke up with my girlfriend. Everything has been positive so far. I hope 2007 will be just as good to me. I could really care less for New Years day. Here is a brief list of my New Year’s past:

2006 Stayed in and got continually berated by my girlfriend (“She’s crazy” is a nice way of putting it)

2005 Cleaned up after a sick friend at a house party (puke never comes out of Suede)

2004 Rented a hotel and cleaned up after a sick girlfriend (Who’d have thunk that drinking the Jacuzzi water would make you sick)

2003 Got sick at a bar and narrowly missed a girl with projectile vomit (The beer had to be above 5%)

2002 Stayed in and played drinking games with a bunch of Americans (This water tastes like beer)

2001 Celebrated New Years in NY City with the soul leech (She sucked my will to live and that’s about it)

2000 Bus captained a trip to Montréal with my sister (Je suis un bon garçon, Je suis un bon garçon)

This year doesn’t seem to be shaping up to be any better. After having 3 different plans cancelled, I’m left to fend for myself this NYE. My options are as follows: Hang out with my cousin, her boyfriend, my sister and her boyfriend, and go bar hopping downtown, or go up north to a motel party. With ride in full affect the downtown option doesn’t seem like a viable one. I would like to go out and drink a bit this year.

My thinking is this. The suckier the New Years Eve event, the better the year turns out. That being said, I think I’m going to stay in and wallpaper my room in used postage stamps.

Happy New Year Everyone!

Suckiest computer in the office

Suckiest computer in the office

I know that in some third world countries, people don’t even have a computer to surf porn in their own houses, while I get the luxury of a portable porno downloading device. Yes, I have a work Laptop. But this isn’t your ordinary work laptop. This thing was built for business in the trenches. The latches and buttons are all made of metal. I’m sure that if it ever came down to me needing to use my laptop to shield my body, I could probably use it to stop high velocity sniper type bullets. Its bulk and rigidity is only surpassed by its weight. At just around 6 Lbs, this thing is a beast among laptops. The only downside of this laptop is that it moves slower than the fat kid in the “photos with Santa” line-up. I’m not going to get into technical details, but when it takes 2 minutes to switch between email messages, there’s something wrong. I am supposed to be getting a new computer since mine is the worst in the company. I have been told that the office no longer uses computers slower than mine, and mine is the only one of its kind. So here I am, with the most junktastic laptop the office has to offer.

I really needed to vent. It just took me 20 minutes to shut down and reboot my computer.

As a disclaimer, I’d like it noted that I in fact do not download porn on my computer. I just thought it would be a super cool introduction.

Moo-Shoo Nightmare & Spare Rib Sorrow

Two years ago, almost to the day, I was shot down by a cook at the Mandarin. Yes, Two years ago this week, I was stricken with food poisoning at the Queensway Mandarin. In an odd coincidence, two years later, my departmental Christmas lunch is being held at that exact same Mandarin.

A lot has happened in two years. I’ve switched jobs, moved out on my own, gone through two relationships, bought a new car, and became an official member of the Colombo mystery solvers club. A lot has changed for me, but the one thing that hasn’t changed is my fear of Chinese buffets. Is it shrimp, or is it chicken? You never know because they cover it all in sauce.

I hesitantly accepted the lunch invitation, in hopes that they’d change the location. Unfortunately, I am going to have to go to the Mandarin, and take on my second worst fear. I can only think about the Mandarin debacle aftermath. The cleanest way I can describe it would be to say I was burning the candle at both ends. Think about it for a second, then get back to me.

T minus two hours and it’s the moment of reckoning. If I come back a changed man, you’ll know why. Some people have a fear of flying. I have a fear of moo-shoo chicken.

Enjoy the holidays.

You’re not good enough for a card!

So, because I’m a festive guy, I like to give out Christmas cards to some of my coworkers. Now, I’m not the type of guy who slaps on a recipient name and a sender’s name. I’m the guy who throws in a personal message. Maybe the message is funny, or personal, or an inside joke, but in all cases, it’s personal and meant for the recipient. In an office of 200 people, of which, I work with 100, there’s only so many personal cards I’d like to write.

This year, I wrote and distributed 40 cards. 20% of the entire office got a card. That leaves 80% of the office cardless. While handing out my cards, some non-recipients asked me where their cards were. I could only reply by saying “I ran out”. My “Ran out” excuse has to be the worst excuse of all. But really, who asks for a Christmas card? I made sure everyone who wrote me a card received one in return, in addition to the people with whom I worked closely. I shouldn’t be obliged to give every person a card. They’re more like a prestige item. I would like my Christmas cards to one day become the “Beanie Baby” of the office. The type of stuff people get into fights over, and would sell their mothers for.

Ok, maybe I’m asking for a bit much here. But either way, if you get a Christmas card from me this year, you’re one of the lucky few. Cherish it and keep it in a box next to your bed.

Did I dodge a bullet or miss the bullet train?

While shopping for my older sisters Birthday gift (she’s a Christmas baby), I ran into an Ex girlfriend. Now, while this may not sound too strange, let me give you a little bit of history.

History:

She was my first ever girlfriend. We started dating in college, and maintained a relationship that lasted two years. I say “maintained” because by the end of it seemed like we were going through the motions of a normal relationship. Things were pretty much middle of the road. Aside from the usual couple’s spats, nothing significant happened. I eventually ended the relationship, hoping to find something more interesting, something less normal, something more me. That didn’t sit well with her, and we have never talked since. I saw her in the mall a couple of years ago. When I approached her to say hi, she took off with her mother and husband in hand.

So, I bring myself back to yesterday. While shopping for a gift, I saw her in the mall with her husband, child in carriage and another one on the way. For a moment there, I dodged a bullet. The baby bullet. I knew she wanted to settle down and that wasn’t for me at that time. I was 23, had only had one girlfriend and was just starting my college social life. I couldn’t be tied down, and wasn’t about to go out and have fun behind her back. So I cut loose and let her on her way.

The sight of her with baby caused me to think about all my past relationships, and to wonder what they’re up to now. I’m not going to go out on a “High Fidelity” inspired Ex hunt, but I do wonder what else I dodged. I believe that all my past relationships ended for good reason. Whether it was her infidelity, my blasé, or not wanting to be with the most miserable person alive, I have decided to end three quarter of my relationships. I initiated the break up in 3 of 4.

So, am I being too picky, or is it a matter of not wanting to settle? I prefer to think that I just don’t want to settle. It’s really not fair to either party involved. My friends tend tot think I’m being too picky. But that’s only based on my history. There’s really no truth behind it. They tend to pint out the fact that I stopped dating people for the following reasons: Looked like a cat, smelled like sausage, didn’t have a job or car, was a drug dealer, was too old, was too young…

To me, these are just dates. They’re not relationships, and I believe that all the past relationships ended for good reason. Albeit I’ve only had 4 serious relationship, they all started with good intentions and ended honestly and for very good reasons.

I really do think that back when I broke up with my first girlfriend, I did dodge a bullet. However, it does bring something to light. I think I’ve come to the point in my life where I probably want to start looking for a serious relationship again, but really don’t want it to cause me to settle.

Who you got? Aunt Jemima Vs. Mrs. Butterworth

Yeah, so this morning, my roomie and I had a discussion about a fictional battle between Aunt Jemima and Mr. Butterworth. My roomie takes Aunt J because for someone who's "Just a head" she's created quite the empire, while Mrs. B is made of glass and easily broken.

I would think that seeing as how Mrs. B has arms and legs, her mobility and reach should be enough to take down the Face synonymous with Breakfast foods.

Continuing with the toipc, are Aunt J and Uncle Ben related? Is the quaker Oats guy and Mrs B getting it on? Who knows?

Out of all the Food-product mascots, I'd have to say the Jolly Green Giant has them beat. I know the Keebler elves could unite and may do some damadge, but I'm sure with enough Asparagus and Watter, The JGG would be able to drown the tiny Keebler village in a flood of asparagus smelling urine.

This is one heck of a first blog entry! See this level? this is where all my blogs will live. I'm not going to try to sound smart in intellectual, but I wll provide you with an amusing pre-work read, and through of the day.

So... Who you got?

I hate those MAC commercials

It has come to the point where I can’t go anywhere without watching those misleading MAC commercials. Not only are they inaccurate, but they’re also boring and not very funny. So, now I take it upon myself to start a legion of MAC rebels.

Don’t get me wrong, I use a MAC as much as the next guy (which is almost never), but I think that dude from old school needs a swift kick to the dingleberries. Next plan of action, get that nerdy PC guy a date. That’ll really show the MAC dude. Remember Nerd-o – Shit happens when you party naked!

The latest MAC ad depicts the Nerd-o computer guy covered with stickers and tags because he is being used to make movies, mix music, and play games. Nothing really funny or wrong with this picture except if you think back to one of the original commercials where the MAC has the edge because it can mix music, create movies, and the PC can’t.

I tend to think that the people who write these MAC ads have no long term memory, or are also used to create George Bush election speeches.

All in all, the MAC commercials depict half-truths, and misconceptions about PCs. This sounds more and more like an election ad.

I really think the PC guy should be more menacing. I think the Nerd-o guy is pretty cool actually. Maybe they should get K-FED to be the PC guy. Then everyone would hate it.

Finally if you need just one reason to hate a MAC, here it is:

A MAC computer killed Vanilla ICE, Steve Irwin and The Hamburgler.

(The above statement has no substance whatsoever)

Thanks for reading.