Ladies - Stress out on Testicles

Yeah, You heard me! Lucky ladies everywhere are getting into the shrimping business. If you don't know what shrimping is, please look it up! For only $5.56 USD you too can practice shrimping at home without a guy. Deal Extreme now has a handy Testicle shaped stress reliever. http://www.dealextreme.com/details.dx/sku.10546

The two things I find most interesting about this item is A) It's listed under "Hard to find Gadgets" B) The wang is super tiny. I don't know if the Wang is that tiny as a joke or it has to do with the anatomy of the creator. If you look through the other photos of the item, you'll see that not only does this set of testicles have an itsy bitsy wang, but it also has gills. This is the first pair of amphibian testicles in the world. Is it possible that Mer-Man from He-Man dedicated had his balls casted and made into a stress reliever for women?

PS> Not to be outdone, the men have a Giant boobie stress reliever! I ♥ Boobies As you can see - The lady model loves boobies too!
http://www.dealextreme.com/details.dx/sku.10544

Fruit of the Loom

As a child, I always remembered there being four fruit of the loom characters. Apple Guy, Green Grape guy and Purple Grape guy, and someone else. I recently saw a fruit of the loom commercial, and noticed that the fourth fruit of the loom guy was a brown lumpy turd looking guy. What kind of fruit is this guy. I did a bit of research and found that the fourth guy is not a whack of used toilet paper stuck together. The fourth guy is actually a bunch of leaves. Now, maybe it's just me, but I don't think a bunch of leaves constitutes a fruit or a loom. Where the hell did they come up with this guy? They didn't want to make Orange Guy? Maybe it was too tough to find a third colour of grapes?

I would like to suggest they replace compost leaves guy with Banana guy. Who wouldn't want to walk around in a pair of tighty whities boasting a banana?

I say they replace Leaf guy with this banana guy!



Or maybe replace the whole fruit dress up theme and have a bunch of overweight men wearing unitards! Hot!

The Tips Just don't cut it, I'm going to hock used coats

So, I had the pleasure of heading out to Dragonfly Night Club yesterday. If you haven't been, you should go. it's not all that bad. Crazy drunk tourists and lots of short people. I felt like a giant. They weren't as short at the people in the Maltese clubs, but still short none the less. Pace Ville Represent! In addition to a good time at the Club, my good friend and fishing buddy Kenny was there.

At the end of the night, we said our goodbyes, finished our bevies and headed to the coat check. As we handed in our tickets, I noticed something wasn't right. I didn't receive my jacket. Now, you might have though I'd be worried that the Coat check girls were obviously drunk, or the fact that the coat check girl had made three trips to the back with a confused look on her face. I really wasn't. What worried me was that the drunk coat check supervisor started saying telling me that I should have memorized my coat check ticket number. Who the hell does she think I am? The Amazing Kreskin? Rain Man? What person in the world memorizes their coat check ticket? She then said that it was possible that they put my coat on the counter and someone took it accidentally. I assured her this wasn't the case. I gave a description of my Clark Grizwold parka, and within seconds the drunkie coat check girl brought out my coat.

In the end I got my coat, but what bugged me was that the coat check supervisor assumed it was my fault that I didn't have my coat. She blamed me for not giving a ticket, then said it was taken by another patron, then told me it was my responsibility to have memorized the number on the coat check ticket. She placed all the blame on me without once going to the back and looking to see if my coat was there. Now, maybe I'm expecting too much from a coat check clerk, although really, their only role there is to make sure the coat gets checked in and then gets checked out.

I've Been Frauded - My Bank Blows Donkey Balls!

So I just got off the phone with my Bank (Understand how much I love Banks).

I was informed that my Debit Card was comprised and disabled to protect me. This wasn't a shock to me as I've had my debit and credit card accounts compromised 6 times in the past 5 years. Gary informed me that my card was used at a location with an employee suspected of defrauding cards, who could have had access to my number or who had tried frauding my card number directly.

My issue isn't with the method of protection, or the fact that it took them 2 days to call me after disabling my account. My issue deals with the banks protection of the fraud artists. I asked Gary if he could let me know what store was the store in question of defrauding my account. His response was "It's not the store that tried to fraud your card, it's the employee". Why oh why does the store get off so easily?? Shouldn't the responsibility lie with the store to find honest employees? Obviously, I'm not at fault, nor is the bank. The store should take some responsibility in hiring honest, law abiding employees before allowing them access to personal financial information.

The past 4 times my account was compromised, it was done at Gas Stations. I will take a wild guess and point the blame at some jerk-ass gas station employee. I guess the only way around this would be to only use cash at Gas Stations.

Sweet Deals ond Shit-ass Electronics!

Yes folks! You heard it here first!

I'm willing to sell you Shit ass electronics if you're willing to part with $160.

The other day a friend of mine and I were approached in a parking lot by a dude in a van looking to offload some ultra-premium HiFi systems. Now, You're probably asking yourself "Who uses the term HiFi Systems". Well, the answer is me!

This Dude pulls up in a 1985 Dodge Caravan and explains that he's a delivery guy who is looking to offload some extra stereo equipment. Now I'm not really in the market for a stereo system, but My DVD player (PS2) recently broke, and by broke I mean I tried hot wiring it so it could play import video games and pirate movies. So, this champ slides open his caravan door to show me some still-boxed Genesis Media Labs stereo systems. HE explains that they're top of the line and worth thousands. Since I've never heard of Genesis Media Labs, I would assume they're on par with Wal-Mart's Colby brand or Radio Shack's Realistik brand. The "Delivery boy" then proceeds to pull out an ultra high gloss "Hi Def Authority" magazine. He immediately opens the page to a photo if the Genesis Media Labs Ultra-Gizmo 6000 with a MSRP sticker of $5,999.99. HE says he'd be willing to part with his Gizmo-doodad for the ultra low cost of $400. Sounds like a whopper of a deal to me. Unfortunately, my bullshit detector kicks in. I quickly question myself:
#1 - What's a delivery boy doing with a Stereo magazine?
#2 - What the hell brand is Genesis Media Labs?
#3 - How low can I go?

So, I tell the guy that although I appreciate his offer, I'm not interested in paying that much for a no-name stereo system. That was the wrong move. He proceeded to tell me how good the system was and pointed out a write-up in "Hi Def Authority" magazine that listed this system's superior audio quality. Since I was obviously not interested in anything he was selling, he decided to show me a slightly cheaper system. Again, he slapped open this mysterious Genesis love magazine and showed me that this lesser system was still worth $4G. He said he'd do me a favour and sell it to me for $300. Again, I told him I wasn't interested, as I wasn't in the stereo market. I'm just trying to get out of this conversation while he's taking it as me bing a shrewd negotiator. I felt like the father from "A Christmas Story" trying to haggle over the price of a beat-up Christmas tree. He then asks me how much I was willing to spend. I take a moment to pause and think about my stereo needs at home:
#1 - My DVD player is toast
#2 - My stereo system remote doesn't work
#3 - If nothing else I could sell either my stuff or this crap on ebay for $100 easily.
I tell him that I don't have any money and any offer I propose to him would be a slap in the face. He wants to know what number I'm thinking of. So I tell him that I'm willing to part with $100 for this $4G system. He ponders, and counter offers with $200. For me, $200 is steep for the Genesis System of unknown. I Thanked him for his time and let him know I wasn't interested. In a last ditch effort to pawn off his wares, he offers to take $160. I decline and he moves on to the next customer. For me, I'd rather kick myself at passing up a good deal than kicking myself for buying utter crap.

Luckily I did a bit of research on this Genesis Media Labs. As it turns out, my suspicions were correct. The brand is crappier than baby's diaper.

Countless people have been duped into buying this stereo system that seems to be put together with used umbilical cords and tin cans.

I searched online and found a lot of unhappy customers. I'd like to take a moment to thank my parents. My Dad always says "If it's too good to be true, it probably is"

So, To celebrate my dad's birthday I'd like to thank him.

Here's a ling with some dude who got duped. He spent $450 for the system I could have gotten for $160. Now aside from the fact that the guy who got duped was a real estate agent and should be a better negotiator than me, this just proves that anyone can be taken in.

I'll pass this information on to my friends. Guys - Beware the Genesis Media Labs scam.

PS> people are selling this jazz on eBay and allover the net. Beware

Why people hate you

Why people hate you!

I’ve amassed a collection of reasons why people the certain things in life.

Dealership Mechanics:
Because they’re a Rip-off, and they don’t know what they’re doing. I recently went to ford to get my high-level service-3 maintenance done on my car. The dealership was looking to charge me to replace my fuel filter (which had been replaced in previous service 3 months ago). Fuel filters should be replaced every two years on my type of automobile. The dealership was going to charge me to remove my wheels twice. 1) $90 to remove my tires, and inspect the brakes, 2) $75 to once again remove the tires and rotate them. Now wouldn’t it make more sense to remove the tires once instead of removing them to check the brakes, then re-attaching them, only to re-remove them and rotate the tires? All in all, my dealership tried to scam me out of $245 in parts and labour above and beyond what was actually required. Aside from that I'm happy with Ford service. Ever wonder why you have problems keeping customers?

The City of Toronto:
Parking! Getting in to Toronto from the burbs is next to impossible unless you use a car. The problem is that once you get into the city, a lot of places don’t have enough parking. I recently parked in Toronto and got a ticket at 12:01 in the dot. The exact time parking was prohibited. This leads me to believe the parking attendant sat beside my car and waited for the stroke of midnight before he wrote his ticket. Parking in Toronto is the biggest scam out there. Not only is there a severe lack of parking, but when you do find parking the prices are through the roof. I can’t justify paying more money per hour for a parking spot than the attendant makes an hour. How bad must the attendant feel that he’s getting less money per hour than the spots he’s renting?

Family Day:
What a dirty holiday. IT was used as leverage to buy an election, and holds no weight as a valid holiday. Why not make Remembrance day a holiday? There’s a worthwhile cause! Why not give the masses a day off to recognize the sacrifices made by our war veterans? Why not set the holiday in the summer? Really, do we need a holiday in February? It’s true that we don’t have any holidays in February, but we do have Snow days & sick days. Kids across canada go to bed in February, praying to god that tomorrow will be a snow day. I can assure you not one kid has ever said " Please god, I pry that you'll make Feb 12 Family day"

10 items or less line:
Where are the 11+ item police when you need them? If someone puts more than 10 items on the conveyer of the 10 items or less line, it should be up to the cashier to turn them away. Unfortunately, Cashiers never turn them away. When one such inconsiderate customer puts 11+ items in an 10 and under line, I will do one of the two following things: 1) (If they're smaller than me) I'll say "Excuse me, did you realize you're in the 10 items or less line? The penalty for going over is buying me a box of Nerds." 2) (If they're bigger than me) That evening I go home and pray they develop a parasite that eats away at their urethra.

Bathroom Attendants:
I don’t want to pay you to hand me soap/towels/or CK one designer impostor cologne. 'nuff said.

You complicate me - Thanks Facebook

I have to comment on the "complicated" relationship status on Facebook.

Imagine watching Jerry McGuire and instead of hearing Tom Cruise say "You complicate me". Not so glamorous eh? Well, that's how I think of the "Complicated" status. What is "Complicated"? Is it half way between committed and dating? To me being in a relationship is like being half pregnant. You either are or aren't.

I just thought I'd throw it out there. I'm puzzled by the complicated status.

Hits are hits are hits - Keep your head up McAmmond!

Ok, Now I know I'm going to get blasted by some Sens fans for this but really, what else should I expect.

The Hit from Steve Downie on Dean McAmmond although it was a charging penalty, it should be nothing more.

Yes, it looked bad in the replay. Yes he did leave his feet AFTER the hit. Yes, it was unneeded. Here's my take on it.

If we can recall a hit that Chris Neil laid on Chris Drury last Feb. Neil threw a late hit on Drury. The hit was a shoulder to face hit, with the EXACT same time between pass and hit as the Dean McAmmond hit. The only differnce is that Drury didn't jump after the hit. IF you've forgot it. I'll embed it here:



Ok, now let's review the Steve Downie hit on McAmmond.



Now I'm just being fair here. But really. He shouldn't have admired his pass. Sundin get toasted like that every time he swoops around the net. He's learned to keep his head up. The injury to the player shouldn't dictate the severity of the punishment either. If you watch the full clip. there's about 4 Sens players who fall on McAmmond after he's on the ice. I'm sure that didn't help anything.

Bob McKenzie agrees with me too.
http://www.tsn.ca/blogs/mckenzie/?id=219220

Leafs New Jersey - Players Same old hair

Well, Attached is a photo of the new Leafs Jersey.

Thanks to Reebok for buying out the League and creating the "Cooperalls" of hockey Jersey's.

These Jersey's look horrid. They lack the band around the bottom of the jersey. So, why is the band missing? Well The RBK Edge Jerseys are intended to be tucked in.
I'm sure this will look awesome. The only person I know who tucks in his sweaters is Steve Erkle.

They Commish of the NHL, Bettman, said the Tight-fit Jerseys will appeal to a broader audience. Translation: Chicks dig it. His idea is that women will swoon over the players in their jerseys as they do with soccer players and basketball players. Hey Bettman, did you forget the players wear pads??

Hooray for Bettman and his brilliant ideas.

PS> Thanks for combing your hair TUCKS. Did you forget you'd be on TV today? It looks like Arnold and Danny DeVito from Twins in this photo.

Ray Emery Can’t Drive!

In less than 4 months, Ray Emery has gotten into two automobile altercations for cutting off other drivers.

Now, today’s topic marries some of my favourite things: Sports, Driving, and Gossip, so I found it difficult to not make a comment.

There’s really nothing too special about this issue. What I’m amazed with is the fan/opponent reaction.

Recently, Ray Emery had a road altercation with an elderly driver where he drove the driver off the road and threatened bodily harm. The Ottawa police are not charging him for this incident. http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/LAC.20070908.SENS08/TPStory/Sports

Now, from this article, it seems as if neither party was at fault, however Ray Emery intentionally drove a fellow motorist off the road in order to make them aware of their driving faux-pas. What’s more is that Ray verbally assaulted the elderly motorist and threatened bodily harm.

Maybe I’m naïve, but I would think that forcing another motorist off the road, then verbally assaulting and threatening bodily harm to the other motorist would result in some criminal prosecution. I guess I’m wrong here, as the Ottawa police do not wish to charge the Star net minder.

The following link details the story in a slightly different light. What’s more is that the fans and anti-fans get to have their say in who’s guilty without actually witnessing the event.
http://www2.sportsnet.ca/blogs/hockey_hearsay/2007/09/07/road_rage_hits_rayzor/#comments

If I were a betting man, I’d put my money on the pattern. Seeing as how A) Emery has had some driving issues in the past (where he was found guilty), and B) Rayzor#2 has been known to freak out, I would guess that the second article is an accurate depiction of the happenings. Albeit the aged have their set of challenges behind the wheel, the issue for me isn’t the cut off, as I’ve been cut off hundreds of times and never forced another car off the road to confront them with their driving incompetence. My issue is with the lack of decorum of this NHL superstar, and his favoured treatment.

Regardless of the at-fault party of the initial automobile altercation, these types of road rage actions should be recognized and disciplined without favouritism or bias.

If Ray Emery ever brings himself across my blog, I’ve included a test to determine one’s susceptibility to road rage. http://www.peelpolice.on.ca/Crime%20Prevention/PSAP/ecms.aspx/$prp/pdf-files/crime%20prevention/RoadRage.pdf


Mr. Emery. As a fellow driver I implore you to drive more cautiously and with greater respect for fellow drivers. Accidents happen and you should know. You were at fault for the May Accident. I really don't care who you are. I hale little tolerance for road rage and bad drivers.

I’ll buy your soul for a holiday!

So, going against my initial decision to never talk about religion or politics, I really feel the need to discuss the upcoming Ontario provincial elections.

I’m not about to point out the differences between the two front-running parties, as I’ve already decided who I’d like to win the provincial election, and know my opinion will be biased.

I’d like to address the “Promise” of a holiday if the Liberal party is re-elected into power. Now, normally, this would sound like a whiz-bang idea. Hey, who doesn’t want an additional holiday? Holidays benefit almost everyone from carnies, to alcoholic beverage producers to students. My issue with the “Promise” involves the timing of the announcement. During Dalton’s 4-year tenure as premier of Ontario he never once hinted at the inclusion of an additional holiday. So, why now? Could it be the last grasp at a political straw? Well, this promise comes with incredible timing, as an election is set for this upcoming October. I feel cheapened by the promise as it bears very little forethought and skirts many of this year’s big political issues. I would compare this election “Promise” to giving a sucker to a screaming child. The sucker doesn’t address the issue as to why the child is screaming, nor does it offer any long term resolution to the screaming child’s ailments. All this equates to, is an attempt to divert attention for just enough time to squeak out a minority election win. I cannot and will not be bought or placated like this. It makes me feel cheaper than the time I had a dream about sleeping with a Bangkok whore.

So, you may ask yourself why I used quotations around the word “Promise”. Well, if this years election mimics the last election, we can assume that most of the promises will be broken or greatly modified form their original intent upon instatement into office.

PS> If you need to add any fuel to the Dalton fire, he’s a rabid Sens fan.

Please do some research and vote. I really don’t care who you vote for but please make an educated decision this October 10, 2007

Out with the old and in with the new

The Ottawa Senators have updated their logo in hopes of shedding their patchy past for a bolder future. I for one commend the Ottawa franchise.
The New logo offers sharper bolder lines and the following upgrades:
-No longer will the logo have a COCK-EYED mascot. Yeah, you heard me. I said cock-eyed. The Team spokesperson described the new Senator mascot as “Focused”
- The cape is much more defined and no longer tattered. The cape also hangs over both shoulders. Now if you ask me, there’s only two people in the world who can get away with capes and the O-Sens mascots isn’t one of them. 1) Superman. 2) Count Chocula.
-Flesh tones were removed to give a more menacing appearance. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m afraid of Albinos too. They hit this nail on the head with this one. Albinos = Freeky
- The Plume and the Helmet have become better defined. Nothing says limp wristed pansy like disorganized plume. Shit, I straighten my plume daily.
-The New Senator’s chin is more defined and larger. I think I can speak for all us bum chinned people when I say you missed the boat on this one. Nothing says mean like a good ‘ol bum chin. Having a bum chin is like flashing the world the moon every day. This is why I smile.

Overall, I’d have to say I like this logo much better than their past logo endeavours. I’d like to close-off by saying that when I play hockey I am less intimidated by the jersey than I am by the player. So, it’s nice to get a meaner jersey, but so long as you keep filling the sweaters with the likes of Alfredsson, Vermette, Fisher and Heatley you’re not going to create the aura of a mean team. Honestly, these guys don’t look like stone cold killers. Oh wait… Scratch Heatley off that list. ZZZZing!

Old Logo on the Top, New Logo on the bottom

Ye of little class

I’d like to preface this long awaited entry by saying that in all non-specific terms and with swooping generalization (redundant redundancy), that I hate other drivers. Maybe it’s because everyone has their own driving style? Maybe it’s because of inconsiderate drivers? I don’t know. What I do know is that our current laws around driving do not address the growing slow and stupid factor we’re faced with today. But I digress. You see, the real focus of my entry is not the aptitude of drivers; rather it’s the lack of courtesy of motoring enthusiasts.

Picture yourself driving down a tree lined windy road. The sun is shining bright, you’ve just washed your car and you’re enjoying every minute of your pleasure cruise, when in the distance you make out an oncoming vehicle in the opposite lane. My first instinct is ti try and figure out the make/model of the car. In this case it was a third generation (1980s) Chevrolet Camaro. Now, as fan of American pony and muscle cars, I can appreciate almost brand/model of automobile. I am however partial to the Ford Mustang line of automobiles. As some of you may know, the rivalry amongst the Mustang and Camaro crowd is no secret. I could care less about rivalries, and distance myself from any “Who’s Better” arguments. For me, debating cars between enthusiasts is like eating the crab salad at a Chinese buffet. You just don’ do that shit.

Well, back to my pleasure cruise down Mississauga road. So, I see this guy in a 5-tone (Yeah, the quarter panels, doors and hood were all different colours) Camaro approaching with his arm out the window. As we pass each other, I can see he’s waving me the thumbs down and making a disgusted face in my direction. As I look back in my side view mirror, I can see that his arm is no longer extended out the window.

Am I to believe that this guy is so displeased with my choice of automobile and styling that he needed to let me know as we passed eachother on the road? Unfortunately, I do not doubt that this occurrence was no conincidence, or a ill-timed thumbs down to life. I would like to believe that this was all a matter of chance, but in the humble opinion of this blogger that this is not just "Something That Happened." This cannot be "One of those things..." This, please, cannot be that. And for what I would like to say, I can't. This Was Not Just A Matter Of Chance.

I would just like to announce my limited tolerance for disrespectful people. If you are a stranger and disapprove of my car, hair style, choice of clothes or cologne, please keep it to yourself. If you’d like to comment on my mind-barf of a story, please feel free to. My views on this topic are up for debate


Italicized text was inspired by P.T Anderson’s 1998 film Magnolia

The birds don’t give two shits – Except when it comes to me.

So, I’ve recently found myself a target for birds. Whether it’s their feces or the sudden and startling resurrection of a bird from the dumpster, they seem to want to be a part of my life.

Just yesterday I was “lucky” enough to have a pigeon shit on my shoulder, as I was paying for a parking spot in Toronto. Now, I’ve heard throughout my travels that bird shit is quite lucky. I beg to differ. I wonder why poop and superstitions go together like KFC and Ice Cream. The superstition of stepping on dog shit with your left foot while in Paris is also thought to be lucky yet I’ve never heard of any shit steppers winning the lotto. In fact throughout history, shit has been very unlucky. Take for instance Cindy Lauper’s comeback tour. In 2004 Cindy Lauper went on a worldwide tour to promote her album of American song standards. While on concert in Massachusetts, she opened her gullet and whaled out a high-note, leaving her trap ready for any bird to take its shot… unfortunately, a seagull passing overhead couldn’t resist her cavernous pie hold and dropped one right in it. Cindy continued to sing. So, if this bird excrement was so lucky, don’t you think Cindy would still be touring or releasing albums 3-years later?? Nope!

I’m sure that if I put more effort into it, I’d find that Saddam Hussein got shit on and stepped on poop in Paris just before his final losing stand.

My story brings me to today. This morning, I took some trash to the dumpster as I do on occasion. I approached the uncovered dumpster, and hurled a sac of refuse into the receptacle. As the bag crashed down into the other trash, 3 seagulls and a crow flew out of the bird buffet, nearly scaring the shit out of me. It’s only 7:40am and I’ve almost soiled myself. As my heart rate slowed down, I walked to my car, only to find that a bird managed to lay some sort of Picasso art form on my rear windshield. It looks like a cross between the eBay giant Cheeto and Leonardo DiVincci’s last supper. I was in shock as there was no way one single bird could have done this. It was just way too big. I’m convinced there’s a bird conspiracy against me. I wiped away as much as I could and proceeded to the driver side, where I found a small brown bird tag left slightly above the handle. Upon further inspection, the bird managed to get its excrement right inside the handle directly on the area I’d normally use to pull my door handle open.

I’m a firm believer in rectifying a situation at its root. My solution is to run for premier of Ontario. My first duty would be to enact a Right to Eat law that would allow people to hunt and eat Geese all city foul without penalty. I’d even create city foul cooking stations where people could BBQ their freshly caught bounty. Not only would my law limit the nuisance birds in the city and suburbs, but it would also help feed some of the under-privileged Ontario constituency.

The freaks come out at night

I’ve been in my new place for roughly a year. In that time, very little of significance has happened in the way of Drama with my neighbours. Sure, there are some odd ones. Here’s the historical breakdown of the weird yet harmless neighbours:
Burger Boy – it could be -25 degrees outside and he knocks on my door to asks me if I have a Spare frozen burger for him
Busy Body Senior – Nothing escapes her attention, except for employment. It’s amusing to see a senior who’s claiming disability partake in a running water fight with a 9-year old girl.
Tantrum Child – Tantrums are frequent and fierce. Luckily they don’t happen until the mornings, which don’t affect me as I’m a morning person. The only time a 9-year old will ever beat me to waking up is on Christmas morning.
All night partiers – My kind of people aside from the constant chronic smell
Over-Friendly awkward guy – A simple hi is enough. There’s no need to show me your latest purchase – a Wolf print T-shirt.
White Puffy – As a professional security guard, he’s up earlier than an Amish farmer after a harvest moon. At 5:00 he sits on his balcony (Which is attached to mine), blares rap songs on continuous loop, while smoking a DuMaurier. The smell and sounds are as pleasant as waking up to as waking up in a pool of your own vomit after a bender.

This brings me to the present time. White puffy moved out to train monkeys in Mongolia. Burger Boy got a job as a professional sex fetish surveyor (Do you prefer chicks who squirt?). Over-friendly awkward guy has moved to a “haven”. I can only imagine he’s moved into a Northern Reflections store. The all night partiers have moved out, which brings in Unemployed Shit Disturber.

Unemployed shit disturber always seems to be under the influence of drugs or alcohol. Her associates include “Ted the garbage man”, “Guillaume the shadow creeping assassin”, “Junior, the loveable beer stealing mute child” , and a host of the sketchiest looking characters you’ve ever seen. I wouldn’t be shocked to find out she makes friends by combing homeless shelters and pervert’s row looking for the seediest and least-bathed people in the group. So, Unemployed Shit disturber professes to be my new apartment superintendent. Hooray for me! Within a week of her moving in, she has made enemies with the neighbourhood kids and brought in a guard dog that attacked her puppy.

This evening, I had the privilege of running into her as I was unpacking my bal hockey gear. She gave me the rundown on the happenings in the area.
1) Some kids harassed her son, and subsequently started lighting off fire crackers and smoking crack.
2) The police were called because her car was vandalized
3) Her guard dog has peed on everything in the parking lot. (I assure you the aroma is quite delectable)
4) She brought Guillaume over as her bodyguard to rough up some kids since the police did nothing. Guillaume was extremely secretive, and carried a bag of goodies he was going to use to assault some children.
5) She’s a Police recruit, who has a job waiting for her as soon as she heals her bum knee. How did she aggravate her knee you ask?? Good question. I asked the same thing. She was assaulted. Yeah. She got into a fight and was beaten with a weapon. I didn’t ask for further detail.
6) She’s told me 4 times that she’s having a party with Hors D'oeuvres. The hors d’oeuvres are bolded because she mentioned it about 13 times. I hope there’s sausage rolls. I also hope she doesn’t think that hors d’oeuvres is a fancy way of saying Swinger party. I assure you I wouldn’t poke her with your dick.
7) Each time I speak with her I can’t help but get an overwhelming sense that she’s either drunk, high or both.

Welcome to the land of fear. I can’t wait to wake up tomorrow morning, pick up the Monday edition of the Mississauga News only to find a photo of Guillaume on the front page with a heading that reads “Crack Addict Assaults Teens with 14” Rubber Dildo”

So, where have my old landlords gone? Good question. I have no clue. My former landlords are octogenarians. The male is friendly and easily confused, while the female spits as she talks and always smells of a ripe diaper. Both very nice people, but somewhat ineffective in lording the land. I guess that’s where the new super comes in. Ultimately, I could care less. I think I’m a great tenant I don’t cause problems, help old ladies up the stairs while carrying their groceries and pay my rent on time – Usually. Although I’m usually pretty hands off from the whole lording issue, I really don’t think this lady is fit to handle the super position.

I can’t make this stuff up. I assure you all accounts of this story are accurate and true.

PS> I just found out my neighbour is a clown. She seems like a pleasant clown. I wonder if she breeds balloon animals.

Kreskin has been born into me

Kreskin has arrived!

Yes, it’s true I do posses a smidgen of Psychic ability, but my latest prediction was one of my crowning achievements.

Let me preface thy latest prediction with some of my more notable predictions.

Maggie Simpson Shot Mr. Burns. I pulled this way back cliff-hanger from my ass. I knew it would have to either be Mr. Burns’ shadow or Maggie. Since the Shadow couldn’t hold a gun, the Shadow was the obvious dummy choice. Maggie’s Cool blue stare at the baby with the one-eyebrow sealed the deal for me.

Mayor Hazel McCallion would win the 2003. With Stiff competition from Masoon Khan, Charles Coober, Larry J Mancini (Or J-Bird as his friends call him), and Dyal Chanderpaul, McCallion squeaked by with 92% of the votes.

My latest prediction was that the Ottawa Senators would lose to the Anaheim Ducks in 5 games. I stand here before you, the all knowing king of predictions.

Since you’re eager to fill your baskets of knowledge with some of my predictions I will forecast some of my latest predictions. Please remember that my predictions are to be used only as humour and not to be used for betting or wagering.

1) Someone will invent a cure for stupidity and I will have to stop writing these notes
2) Mayor McCheese will be involved in a controversial Legal battle, but will get off on a technicality
3) Paris Hilton will one day have her Vagina surgically shut
4) The Leafs will win the Stanley Cub before the Senators ever will

Top 10 reasons why you shouldn’t cheer for the Ottawa Senators this Playoff Run

10) You’re condoning failure
The Senators toiled in the bottom of the division for 10 years of their 16 year existence. Not only do they hold the record for the worst season ever by an NHL franchise, the NHL initiated a draft lottery because they monopolized the first pick by tanking year after year in order to garner the best draft selection.

9) The team has a history of Whiney players
Alexandre Daigle, Alexi Yashin, and Jason Spezza have all demanded trades from losing teams to be traded to better teams. I don’t know but really, isn’t a contract a two way agreement??? Shouldn’t you understand you’re signing with a crappy team when you sign the initial contract. Ever hear of sucking it up and taking it like a man?? This brings me to my next point

8) The team had to get support from the Canadian government to escape bankruptcy
I would have much rather given funding to the Nords or the Jets over the Sens. Why do you ask?? Well, when the Sens filed for bankruptcy protection nobody cared. They had the poorest attendance in the league and their fan base was non-existant. The Nords had a great fan base, as did the jets, but their market was too small. Much like Ottawa.

7) Sens fans are primarily composed of ex-leaf fans who jumped the bandwagon. It’s true. Once a Leaf fan, now a Sens fan is quite a common switch. To me it would be like going from straight to gay. NOTE: There’s nothing wrong with being gay. I know plenty of gay people who aren’t Sens fans

6) Ontario Premier Daulton McGuinty likes them
This guy looks like he could confuse a hockey puck with a basketball. What’s he doing backing a hockey team. I’m sure if you asked him who the Senator’s captain was he’d reply “Mayor McCheese”

5) They have a tough time selling out playoff seat
Are you kidding me?? A team makes the playoffs and their seats aren’t gobbled up by fans and scalpers? What more does this team need to do to get the home crowd to buy tickets?? Maybe they should give free autographed posters of Daulton McGuinty with every ticket purchase. With a team comprised of first round picks and government funding, how can you go wrong?? It’s not like you’re paying the high prices leaf fans have to pay to watch the home team. Come one fans!! Have some pride.

4) They’re proven Chokers
Yeah, I know they’ve made it pretty far this year, but really. Based on history, if you were to place money on the Sens right now, you’d have better odds betting on Webster if he were to fight Mike Tyson. Yeah, I called him Webster and not Emanuel Lewis.

3) Their logo isn’t fitting of today’s Senators
Yeah, we don’t even call them senators. Why does the team logo depict someone who’s going in to fight. Please tell me the last time a Politicial suited up and joined the army in a fight. They’d be better off having a photo of Steven Harper eating a cheeseburger while winking and making a gun symbol with his hand. Their logo is as far from a senator as the Sabres logo is from a Bison. On a side note, the Sabres new logo looks like a cross between a retarded sperm and an upside down Nike symbol with eyes.

2) The Post-game workout interview
Hey, I know you’re fit. I know you exercise 10 hours a day. Take a rest. It’s after the game. The post-game workout interview is about as inappropriate as jerking off after getting a blow job. HEY, it’s over. Time to relax.

1) You should already be a Leaf fan
Yeah, I had to throw this one in there. Ok, but really, if there ever was a team this year that got away with more cheap shots I’d be surprised. Let me explain. Emery’s Slash to the face of Laperier, Neil’s hit to Drudy… The list continues. For some reason Colin Campbell has a hard on for letting this team off the hook. I don’t know why. Maybe Muckler is good with the pocket pool.

You know what grinds my gears??

Yeah, so I thought I'd take a page out of the Peter Griffin/Family Guy book to create lists of things that "Grind My Gears"

-Having my windows down and driving behind smokers. I know that it's public air and all, but I don't want to smell your tobacco waft.

-Drive Through never gets your order right. I'm sure they have some sort of system to purposefully screw up your order. How can it always be wrong?

-Splitting drink/meal bills among friends. Every time someone takes it in the pooper, and if it's not someone at the table, it's the server.

-Slow Drivers. Need I say more? no? but I will. If you want to drive slow, take the bus. You'll get there in the same amount of time and conserve energy.

-Children with snot wads hanging from their noses. Hey Parents! I know looking after the booger flow can interrupt your relaxing Tall Mocha Non-fat Latte, but really, I'd like to enjoy mine without being reminded of Slimer from Ghostbusters. **Double Gross when it runs down the chin and the kid starts playing with it.

-People who don’t wave when you let them into the lane. Hey Pal, I just did you a favour. Either you wave, or I’m going to sling used batteries at your car. That should be an allowed law. Conversly, I can't stand people who don't let merging cars in. It's the law. Let them in. Attica! Attica!... ok, wrong context.

-People who ask to bud in line because they “Only have one item”. My answer is usually NO. Why? Hey, if I wanted to wait in line a little longer I would have picked a longer line. I see the shortest line because I want to wait as little time as possible.

That’s about it for this installment of “What Grinds My Gears”

BONUS: Calvin pissing on things. What's the deal with that? That sticker doen't need to be in your car window.

Where did we go wrong?

So, I thought it would be funny to list some of my more memorable date/relationship occurrences I’ve encountered over my “dating life” up to this point. Some people may able to relate, while others may be able to pick themselves out of this list. Please enjoy the list and take no offense, as it’s all in good fun. Relatives and people who think highly of me may not want to read any further.

-You thought I sculpted my “John Travolta” chin with my fingers each night
-I don’t want to date you. You’re a Drug Dealer.
-You were upset when I made you breakfast in bed because I woke you up when I washed your dishes
-You need to drive too sometimes
-You didn’t know the meaning of “Stop Short” or “Cop a Feel”
-You are married??
-You took Valium on our second date and couldn’t walk on your own
-You drip slobber on my chin when we kiss
-You never drove, and made me drive to the club on my birthday
-Your cousin made us late because she wanted to have sex in a field
-Your Ex came up in conversation far too much
-I’m sure we both like oral, so please, return the favour
-You never introduced me to your family… even after two years
-Your best friend thinks you’re insane… See the third point
-I was scared of your driving
-Let’s talk about me sometimes
-It’s ok to smile once in a while… some people actually think I’m funny.
-Don’t set me up on a blind date if the only photo you have is 10 years out of date – A lot can change in 10 years
-You didn’t buy me a drink after I caught your pick pocket
-You’re not fun to sleep with
-You get too drunk to do anything - every night
-You talk like a farmer
-Silence is not always golden it’s ok to be loud sometimes
-Quit staring at me – it creeps me out
-When I go down, I have no choice but to swallow, how about you take one for the team
-Harry Potter sucks more than you think it does
-You always smell like cold cuts
-I found a used condom in your room – It wasn’t mine
-It’s ok to pick up the bill once in a while
-I don’t like breast milk
-You really should warn people where you apply your numbing gel. I was liable to bite off my tongue
-I’m not your muse.
-Your cats make the house smell like crap
-I know it was you! I know it was you! There’s only two of us in the car, and it wasn’t me

Magic Spray Allover My Face

Note: To all Doctors, Medical Researchers, Lab Technicians, and Nobel Prize hopefuls:

If you’re looking to cure the world’s most notorious ailments, including but not limited to hang nails, bruises, broken bones, cancer, AIDS, erectile difficulty... look no further than the world’s most popular sport. Soccer has discovered a miracle spray that seems to cure all ailments. I’m sure this miracle spray can cure anything with which it comes in contact.

I have had the privilege of watching many Soccer events. No matter if you watch World teams, Premier leagues or Amateur leagues, Soccer trainers seem to have an abundant supply of this “Magic Spray”. Regardless of the magnitude injury, you’ll be sure to see a trainer run out on to the field with a stretcher in one hand and the “Magic Spray” in the other. With the “Magic Spray”, the trainers ease the pain, rejuvenating players and allowing the noble soccer start to continue on with their elite play.

I can recount numerous occasions where a player has been laying on the turf, writhing in pain, tears running down his face, and as soon as the yellow card is issued to the offending player, and the magic spray is applied, to the injured player miraculously curing him and allowing him to continue his play as if he no longer hurts. I know it sounds fantastic and impossible, but believe me! It’s true! The “Miracle Spray” does possess powers beyond my comprehension.

I implore all medical experts to test the powers of the “Magic Spray”. I have seen the noble soccer player, tackled in mid-field; the tackled player’s arms flailing, followed by a six foot leap into the air and finishing with a tuck and roll technique, only to land squarely on his side, grimacing and shrieking in pain. A fall this gruesome could only be accompanied by broken bones and ruptured spleens, yet, the one and only thing that can cure his anguish is to wait for acknowledgment from the ref and to have a member of the trainer staff apply the mystic mist from the “Magic Spray”

John Ferguson Jr. Must be released for the Leafs to have a chance at success.

I seriously doubt that MLSE brass would actually read my blog, but in the rare hope that they do, please take my advice, and fire JFJ. Before you go ahead and dismiss my request, please read on and you’ll soon discover that although the current GM has made some wise decisions, they are far overshadowed by his gaffs and misses. Nevertheless, I do believe that maybe one day, JFJ will be a great GM, the Leafs fan base cannot sit idly by and support a developing GM.

It has been close to four years since JFJ was hired as GM of the Toronto Maple Leafs on Aug 29, 2003. During that 4 years, the Leafs have fallen from a playoff favourite to a post-season phantom. JFJ’s tenure and timing could not have been set-up any better. With the aid of a lockout, JFJ had the opportunity to mould the roster into anything he wanted. The Lock-out afforded him the time to wait out any heavy contracts signed by the previous GM as well as pick from a two year pool of unrestricted free agents. His actions and decisions did little to improve the organization. A list of noteworthy signings and gaffs would include the overpayment and signing of Pavel Kubina, Bryan McCabe, Jason Allison, Jeff O’Neil and Aki Berg. Although I do believe that both McCabe and Kubina are assets to the team, the price paid and sacrifice of money in a salary capped league restricts the potential signing of other players. Signing Tough guy Tie Domi to a 2.5 Million contract was quite the head scratcher. With the likes of Ben Ondrus and Wade Belak to take the reins as the team’s heavy fists, what would be the use in re-signing Tie Domi, only to have him retire the following year?

One of the most frustrating inactions of JFJ is his inability to make a marquee decision or trade. Two trade deadlines have come and gone during his tenure and he has failed to make a significant move at either season-changing point. His ability to straddle the fence and not make a season altering decision is only overshadowed by his signing of former Toronto Maple Leafs (al la Luke Richardson, Drake Berehowsky, Travis Green, Yannic Perrault). Two straight trade deadlines and twice, JFJ was faced with the decision to improve the team and make a legitimate run at the playoffs, or to give up on the season and deal out the that summer’s free agents for draft picks or future talent. The repercussions of throwing in a season at the February trade-deadline would normally be a possible dip in ticket sales or season ticket holders however, the ACC is sold out every game, and season tickets will still sell no matter how poorly the team does, as proven by the Harold Ballard years.

MLSE, please take my advice, pick up a “Byan Colangelo” for the Toronto Maple leafs. As you did with the Raptors, drop the Rookie GM, and pick someone with experience who can turn the team around.

Please! Bring us a team that will not only beat the Senators in the Playoffs, but also in the Regular Season.

Until then.... Go Sens Go??

The Darwin Fish Should Burn in Hell

I’m sure you’ve been driving down the highway, or walking in a parking lot and have come across the symbol of a Jesus Fish glued to the back of an automobile. These fish are a Christian symbols, more commonly known as Ichthys’. These fish are as common on automobiles as are Sikh symbols, or decals of Calvin pissing on stuff. Normally, I could care less about stuff people wish to glue to their automobiles, but more recently, I have become upset with the vision of the Darwin Fish.

What’s the Darwin Fish? Well, the Darwin Fish seems to be a take on the Jesus Fish. The Darwin Fish is similar to the Jesus Fish except it faces to the right instead of the left, has the word “Darwin” written in the body and has somehow sprouted legs. The Darwin Fish is a direct mockery of the Jesus Fish. I believe it to be disrespectful and extremely insulting to Christians to say the least. I am not a Christian, but am completely appalled by this display of disrespect of one’s religion. I’m sure if someone placed a modified image of the Sikh Khanda with a penis attached, or a Star of David with a Swastika stuck in the centre, it would be deemed disrespectful, yet the Darwin Fish is looked upon as comical and acceptable.

I can assure you that I don’t think that defacing any religious symbol is acceptable. I believe that all religions & beliefs have the right to be expressed but not at the expense of others.

If you know someone who has a Darwin Fish, go out, congratulate them on their incredible intellect, and praise them for mocking someone else’s religion. I’m sure that’s what their looking for. Why else would they want to mock someone else’s religious symbol?

PS> I believe in evolution over creationism, but am not about to go out and start defacing people’s religious symbols to prove my point.

Dean Blundell on Edge 102 Sucks it like no other!

If you’re not from the GTA, Edge 102 is THE Alternative rock station. We here in Toronto are blessed with 15 Adult contemporary stations, 4 dance stations, 2 urban stations, multiple classic rock stations, and countless easy listening stations, yet we have only one alternative rock station. ¾ of the weekdays and every weekend, my dial is firmly tuned to Edge 102. The programming is more or less diverse although recently, they seem to have a hard on for wolf mother.

So, what do I listen to the other ¼ of the week days? Well, Weekday mornings, I tune in to any station that does not broadcast Dean Blundell and the Show. I’d rather have my anus scraped clean by a seashell than have to listen to the 3-man morning show team broadcast on the Edge.

I do admit that sometimes they can be funny, but they take the jokes to a point where they’re no longer enjoyable. The humour on most part is low brow, but the team insists on repeating jokes until they become annoying. Each morning I can expect to hear the same joke about gerbils in Richard Gere’s butt, hear about Todd’s latest attempts to rail girls or Jason’s whiney commentary on both.

I think I’d have to say my biggest beef with the show is how great Dean Blundell thinks he is. Stump the show was a clear example of his desire to feel superior. The premise of the game was to ask the trio a question that they could not answer. With the aid of the internet, they were able to answer almost any question. On the rare instances where the answer was too difficult to find, the team would deem the question stupid and hang up on the caller. I am sure you’re laughing at it right now. Honestly, yeah, that’s a pretty funny joke, but multiply this across 4 months, every morning and the stick get old.

I’ve heard Dean bash Lakeport breweries and the other buck a beer guys for being crap, yet shortly after their tirade, the edge aired a Lakeport brewery ad. Since then I have yet to hear Dean-o bash his sponsors. I guess the Man can be bought.

I could go on about this issue, but would rather you find out how bad they are on your own. I do think that Todd is a pretty funny guy, and Jason has his moments, but Dean Blundell has to go. I’d like to see Todd leave the show to peruse his dream of being a Robocop look-alike (He looks like Peter Weller as RoboCop. Maybe it’s the lack of Eyebrows).

Sexiest Songs

In honour of Valentines, I have created a list of the sexiest songs I can think of. Please keep in mind that I do not have a degree in Sexy, nor do I claim to be Sexy.


In no particular order here they are.


Hey Pretty (Drive By Remix) – Poe
It’s a Mans Mans Mans World – James Brwn
Darling Nikki – Foo Fighters
Got You – Flys
Ooh La La – Goldfrapp
You can’t always get what you want – The Rolling Stones
Son of a Preacher Man – Carly Simon
The Hunter Gets Captured By The Game - Massive Attack With Tracey Thorn
Teardrop – Massive Attack
Glory Box – Portishead*
David Bowie – Thursday’s Child
Cowboy Junkies – Sweet Jane
Painted on My Heart - Cult


For that moment when it’s all done and over – A smile
Fuck Her Gently – Tenacious D





If you get laid while listening to one of these songs, please post a comment. We’d all like to know that at least some of my readers actually get laid :D

*Anything Portishead will do. Their albums are the bomb for Sexy!

Ulla the Eastern European Mouth Specialist

So, I had the privilege of going to the dentist yesterday. Normally, I am quite excited about my dental visits. Everyone is friendly, the cleanings take no more than 20 minutes, my dental hygienist is friendly & attractive, and the dental assistants are great!

This faithful day, my dentist managed to switch my dental hygienist with another…. Ulla…. Ulla’s miniature stature and fair complexion should not be taken lightly. The middle aged eastern European must have been trained in the KGB style of mouth torture and agony testing.

She started by instructing me to wear goggles. I’ve never worn goggles for any of my dental procedures. It wasn’t as if I was going to be shaping chunks of steel on a belt sander I was going in for what I believed was a simple cleaning.

Before even inspecting my teeth, Ulla began questioning my dental cleaning routine. I was told that I should brush more than 2-3 times a day, and that flossing once every other day is unacceptable. I agree, I should floss more and leave it at that. La Femme Ulla then continued to berate me on how bad hygiene causes strokes, bad breath and ulcers. I conceded and told her that although I don’t floss daily, all the dental professionals who inspect my mouth would agree that my teeth are in good shape and I take care of my pearly whites.

Hooray for me. She’s stopped lecturing me about gingivitis. The live action 50’s style guilt film is over… But then… Ulla the enforcer offers me some brochures and instructions on flossing. I interrupted her to assure her my teeth are fine. I attempted to bargain with her. “How about you take a look at my teeth before preparing any literature. I haven’t had any complaints to date”. Ulla Opens my mouth, only to find that Yes, me teeth are in great shape and actually quite clean. She compliments me on my teeth and begins to insert foreign objects into my mouth. In an effort to prove me wrong, Ulla manages to find a patch of plaque and decides to show me what plaque looks like. She pulls out a barber’s mirror and begins a double reflective view of my mouth. Ulla has trouble finding the plaque source, but manages to find it once again. She then lectures me on the affects of plaque build up once again. I thanked her and told her once again, that I understood her concerns and will make an effort to brush at least 3 times a day and floss daily. Obviously, she hears the annoyed tone in my voice and promises to stop lecturing me and will begin her lingual intrusion.

I won’t bore you with the details of my ordeal; however, Ulla managed to stick a dental tool up my nose and drew blood, then proceeded to poke my gums exactly 32 times, plus 3 scrapes. Following her dental swashbuckling, I was punched in the head while she tried to swing the chair around, soaked with pressurized water. And as the grand finale, she managed to get her leg caught in the mouth vacuum hose, jerking my head aside as she left the cleaning room to get the actual dentist.

Before leaving, Ulla had one other parting surprise. She had printed and laminated blurbs on gingivitis, tartar build up, and flossing techniques. The dental assassin placed the sheets on my lap and asked me to read them while she flagged down the professional.

Needless to say, I will never let that lady near my mouth ever again.

So Many Haters out there.

This past couple of weeks, I’ve come across a few websites, posts, and groups focused on hating one thing or another. Whether it’s a sports team, automobile, religious view political party… The list goes on and on. I would really like to understand why people can’t embrace their own believe without putting down another.

As an example, I came across the “Mustangs suck, and a Honda can do more than a mustang”, and the “The Ottawa Senators Suck” groups. Albeit, the Senators may suck, Why create such a group? Why not focus on a joint admiration of all other teams, or a single team?

I just had to get this off my chest.

More recently, I was browsing a deals forum, when I came across a post for a $1 book. The book depicted the top 100 moments in Toronto Maple Leafs history. Unfortunately, 70% of the follow up posts detailed how much the Leafs suck. To mean, the Leafs sucking isn’t much of a deal, where as the book was an incredible deal. The flood of useless bashing really ruined the deal thread.

I am puzzled as to why people hate The Leafs, Mustangs, Political groups? Did a Mustang go out and kill one of their relatives and since then, they’ve felt the need to exact revenge on the automobile model? Was a Toronto Maple Leaf, the guy who created Global Warming? Maybe the entire Liberal party of Canada threw sand in the hater’s eyes when they were young? I am at a loss as to why people hate another group, team or inanimate object. How really can someone hate an inanimate object?

Bank Case 2: Penniless and pondering

Saturday afternoon, and I’ve been working all day. It was the second day of my new job, and I needed to pay for my film development, get changed and showered, and run back to training for dinner and evening festivities. Being that Wal Mart (the 7th circle of hell) was the closest place I could develop film, I was forced to use their skill-less photo lab technicians to develop my film. After waiting an hour and a half to have my film developed, it was finally ready. I went to pay and found that my debit card was displaying insufficient funds. I found this odd, as the preceding Friday was a pay day. I was sure to have money in my account. I was also sure my card was functional, as I had used it earlier in the morning to pay for the film, currently being developed. I was forced to pay by Credit card.

It was 3:30, and I promptly called the Bank’s 1-800 number. After waiting on hold for 20 minutes, I was forced to hang up, as I had arrived at my destination. I thought it wise to use a land line and save myself some airtime. I re-called the bank, and waited another 20 minutes. I finally heard a voice. As usual, I was asked a series of security questions, used to thwart would be thieves. The CSR informed me that my card had been used at a location, known to compromise debit cards. I thanked her for canceling my card, and informed her that I needed money for the evening. The CSR was unable to help me. Since my card was cancelled by the fraud squad, I would have to get my money directly from a bank. Unfortunately, at 4:20, there are no banks open on Saturday (one of the many gripes I have with banks is their unaccommodating business hours). Essentially, I was stranded. The CSR then told me I could use my VISA to withdraw cash. The VISA withdrawal would have been a good idea had I remembered the pin that was given to me 8 years ago. I told the CSR that I didn’t know my VISA pin and could not withdraw any money. I then asked her if I could transfer my money to my account with an affiliated bank. The CSR informed me that since my card was frozen; all my bank accounts were frozen. I was left without cash. I asked to speak with a supervisor or member of the fraud squad. The CSR then promptly hung up on me. I am sure it was an accident. No… really…. I am. I called back once again, and once again, waited on hold for 20 minutes. Again, I answered my security questions, and spoke with yet another CSR. I explained my story to the CSR and he passed me on to a supervisor. The supervisor echoed her subordinate’s statements verbatim. My accounts were all locked and there’s nothing I can do about it until Monday (I later found out that although my card was frozen, they could have processed a transfer… but that’s a whole other story). I was puzzled. What is the point of the security questions to validate my identity over the phone if they really can’t do anything with my account? The supervisor repeated to me that she could not validate my identity and therefore could not unfreeze my account, or transfer any money for me. I guess this location that compromises debit cards is also housed with special Psychic Cashiers, who can predict my mom’s maiden name, guess my birth city, envision my first kiss and knows the name of my third grade teacher. Note to the readers: Never underestimate the psychic abilities of crooks!

It was now after 6:00. I had been on the phone with the banks for a couple of hours, and am penniless. The Bus is about to leave for our dinner destination, and I don’t have any money to do anything. This really sucks. I explained my situation to my new manager, and he loaned me $60 for the evening. On the bright side, we ended up going to a club in the evening, where the Bartender recognized me from Humber College. She gave me free beers and shots all night long.

Monday rolls around and I meet with my personal banking advisor. I explain the situation and she’s appalled. She tells me that I should have received a call as soon as my card was cancelled and she would call the Head office to investigate further. She gets me a replacement card and destroys the tainted card. She was surprised that it’s Monday and the bank still hasn’t called me to notify me my card was cancelled. Standard protocol is to call within 24 hours of an incident, but usually call immediately after canceling a card to avoid the situation I went though. Later that day a Fraud Squad member called me and notified me that my accounts are in order and no funds were siphoned from my account. He also notified me that even though my card was cancelled, my accounts were still active and should have been able to transfer money to my affiliated bank card. You really have to admire those clueless CSRs.

Friday evening, I’m at home and receive a call on my phone. I am asked a series of skill testing and personal questions. My bank has decided to call me and notify me that my card was compromised last week, and if I have used my card since. I was extremely pissed at this point. It took my bank a week to call me to notify me that my card was compromised?? This poor CSR got the brunt of my anger. I asked her if this was a joke, and if it was normal to call someone a WEEK after their card was cancelled. She told me that her supervisor had asked her to call me. And there it was. It was a pity call. I guess someone got in trouble for not calling me a week ago and tried to make amends by calling me a week later. I don’t hold the CSR here at fault at all. The problem lies with the way banks treat their customers. In the end, I would have been better off keeping my money in a jar beside my bed.


The above was yet another reason why I hate banks

Bank Case 1: Waiting at a bank

I figured I’d start off my case files with the quickest and most recent bank case.

I decided I’d start saving for my future and invest in some RRSPs. I currently invest money for retirement, but was looking for something a bit more stable. I opted for a Bank RRSP. It was 3:00pm on a Thursday (extended hours day) and I was the only customer in the bank. I walked up to the customer service desk and informed the CSR that I’d like to open and RRSP account. I was asked to take a seat. After waiting 15 minutes, the CSR approached me with some news. Unfortunately, all of the personal bankers were occupied and could not assist me. I’d have to come back another day. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m appreciative of this CSR’s advice, however, I would have liked to have known 15 minutes earlier that the bankers were all busy. Isn’t it her job to know how long each banker should take and when a banker should be free? So I left the bank with 15 minutes of my live given to the bank.

I then went to visit the bank on Saturday at 2:45. When I spoke to the CSR at this bank, I was informed that there wasn’t enough time to process my RRSP as the bank was to close at 3:00pm. I then glanced at the hours of operation, and noticed that the bank was open from 9:30 – 3:00. There was nobody in the bank, yet I was once again turned away.
The following Monday, I visited a different bank branch at 3:00 pm, and notified the CSR of my intentions to open an RRSP account. After waiting 25 minutes, the CSR asked me if I wouldn’t mind waiting two more minutes before meeting with a personal banker. Hooray for me!!! I’m going to finally meet the illusive personal banker. I imagine this is how the tin man felt when he finally got to meet the Wizard of Oz. Unfortunately, what the CSR meant to say was “Excuse me sir, would you mind if I let all these people behind you, ahead of you?”. Shortly after asking me to wait a couple more minutes, the CSR proceeded to usher the two clients who followed me into the bank, to their personal bankers. I waited an additional 15 minutes before the CSR asked me if I wouldn’t mind coming back another day as all the personal bankers were now occupied. So, I’ve been sitting in the waiting room for 40 minutes with nothing to do but play gold on my cell phone, and now the CSR has the nerve to ask me if I could come back another day. In total, this bank branch, which I shall remain nameless, has robbed me of over an hour of my time (I’m including drive and park time). I politely told the CSR that after waiting 40 minutes at her location, I wasn’t leaving the bank without setting up my RRSP. I waited an additional 10 minutes and met with my personal banker. He didn’t look anything like the Great Wizard of Oz. He was bumbling and tried to sell me a third RRSP solution.

All in all, this was a horrible experience, and hope that I’ll never have to deal with this bank until my 65th birthday. They’ll take my money, invest it without my intervention.

Please stop being so hard on Banks! – A real inconvenient truth

I am a true friend of the bank. I get upset when people slag banks for being inconvenient, costly, inattentive, and self serving.

Why should banks be open before you leave for work, or after you finish work? I think we’re being a bit selfish in thinking that banks should offer hours of operation longer than 6.5 hours a day. Listen up bank customers, bank employees have families too. I’m sure they’d like to maximize the time they spend at home as much as you. Don’t you think it would be indecent to ask them to spend an entire 9 hour shift at work, simply to accommodate the customers? It’s true that banks close for every holiday, celebratory day and soon enough, mothers/Father’s Day; but let the employees have their days off! Really, these holidays aren’t coming as a surprise to us customers. They fall on the same days every year. Who cares if Veterans Day falls on a pay day? You’ll have to visit a money mart to get your cash pensioners! You should make it a priority to visit a bank on your lunch hour, the one day a week the bank is opened late, or on a Saturday. Brave those 30 minute line ups and understand that the banks really are here to serve you.

The banks have made numerous attempts to accommodate us customers. The banks have listened to our requests for later service hours, and have appeased us by introducing ABM machines and Online Banking. Where would I be without those 24 hour ABM machines? These two marvels of modern technology are godsends, albeit convenience does come with a price. Every ABM and internet transaction carries a minimum $1.25 per transaction price. I trust that my $1.25 transaction fee feeds the needed research used to prevent internet banking fraud, and ABM card scams. Just 5 months ago, my bank card was defrauded, duplicated and used. I am confident that without each of my accumulated $1.25 bank fees, they wouldn’t have had the manpower to cancel my card, and then notify me about it a week later. That one week notification could have easily been two months or longer. It’s this personal attention I don’t mind paying for.

When requesting personal branch banking, I don’t mind waiting 30 minutes for service, before being asked to go home as the bankers are all busy. Really, how could they know that the customer who preceded me would take over an hour to finalize a mortgage and house signing papers? I know that my time and patience is valued; it was written on a placard, hung on the wall.

I really do live banks and the services they offer. I leave these thoughts with you: Why do banks need to operate under business hours, and work unofficial holidays that accommodate the customer? What’s the big deal about them collecting a measly $1.25 each transaction they process for us? Doesn’t the service they provide reflect the cost of business? Aren’t banks always looking out for our best interests, and not only interested in milking us of every penny we own?


If you’d like to learn more about my experiences with banks, please read come of the Case files I will pos shortly.

The Bermuda love triangle

Since my life is somewhat of a bore recently, my friends took it upon themselves to thrust me into their relationship woes. One of suck incidents is the story of Bryan and Martina. The names have been changed to protect the innocent. Actually, I changed the names because it makes it feel a lot more covert this way.

Saturday morning, I was up at 8:00 am, working hard at rebuilding my home PC, when all of a sudden I receive a group MSN message from one of my best friends. The message reads something like this “From: I AM A BIG CHEATER, I DON’T DESERVE MARTINA BECAUSE I’M A LIAR AND NEED THERAPY: Message: I’M A LYING CHEATER WHO HAD SEX WITH A 19 YEAR OLD AND PRETEND I’M 23. I NEED SERIOUS THERAPY”

Knowing my friend would never send out a message like this, I called him to make sure everything was on the up and up. He knew right away that his ex had logged into his account, changed his name and send a mass MSN message to everyone on his contact list. I was asked to run some damage control. As a good friend, I logged into his account, changed the password and sent out a message noting that it wasn’t he who sent the message. Everything fixed! I’m such a good friend; I deserve a pat on the back, or a Porsche. Before I could log off, one of his female coworkers sent a suspicious message to his account. Knowing who she was, I identified myself as Steve, and assured her that Bryan did not send out any messages. The coworker response was again suspicious.

My friend came over to my house and brought me up to speed on his situation.

He and his girlfriend broke up. They decided to try and work though their issues, but the relationship was far from stable. Friday night, his girlfriend paid him a visit at work, and was treated to a brood of female coworkers, each with an axe to grind about Bryan. They regaled her with tales of his possible infidelity, womanizing and general attitude toward his female coworkers. All of the tales unsubstantiated, but were enough to cause the troubled couple to break up once again. Martina slapped Bryan in front of his coworkers as she stormed out. I’m sure the coworkers felt a sense of accomplishment and justice as their meddling had caused grief for their nemesis.

So, here we are back to Saturday afternoon, where Bryan is in need of some cheering up and direction. As most guys deal with grief, I offered him beer, chips and porno. He accepted the porno. As Bryan left, I received a message form Martina. She wanted to express her sympathy for dragging me into the situation. Instead of me accepting the apology and letting her go on her way, I defended my friend and questioned the motives of the coworker informants. This led to a lengthy MSN discussion that took over most of the day. In the end, it turns out the coworkers really weren’t as honest as one would think. They definitely had an agenda and malicious intentions. To my knowledge, Martina and Bryan still aren’t together or on speaking terms. I am no longer a part of this situation, and nor do I want to be.

My gripe with this situation would have to be the coworkers. This incestuous group of schemers must have been looking to cleanse their souls in some way. I don’t know how to describe this group of people. They live like gypsies, with no common bonds, or order, just the law of the land and look out for themselves before others. If you haven’t already guessed, they’re servers at a chain restaurant. Unable to see further than their next paycheque or screw, and consumed by the server lifestyle, they have nothing better to do than to spread rumours and lies about a guy trying to better himself and build his life. Please don’t get me wrong. Not all servers act this way, but this particular store seems to find the lowest of the low.

I had to get this off my chest as this entire incident managed to rob me of a weekend fo relaxation and computer rebuilding.

Baby Lassie scarred me for life.

As some of you may have already seen, I have a tiny scar that runs from the base of my nostril to my upper lip. If you attended Vista Heights public school, you may know it as the Bugger Chunnel.

You may wonder how I got such a scar. Well, wonder no more as the mystery of the Chunnel is about to be told. Please feel free to pause from reading, grab some pop corn and a frosted beverage. I’ll wait.

Picture a 3 year old toddler, vacationing in Malta. This 3 year old is happy and active yet bored out of his mind. He stayed with his family at his grandparents’ house. Unfortunately, for a 3 year old, Disneyland and time at spending quality time with the family are polar opposites. What’s an active 3 year old to do? One brilliant idea is to chase a miniature collie around the house. Similar to a midget crocodile hunter, he stalked his prey and chased it from room to room until the dog settled under a bed. Seeing as how the dog had nowhere else to go, the toddler crept under the bed, and grabbed the dog. Victory! This miniature collie will go well in his imaginary trophy case. Much to the toddler’s surprise, the collie didn’t want to go without a fight and swiped at the toddlers face, tearing the skin and leaving behind a sizeable gash.

If you haven’t already figures out, the toddler was me. I think I mentioned earlier in the blog how this was my story. Please keep up.

Well, my parents carted me away to the clinic where the doctor applied a butterfly stitch to my lip and instructed my parents to keep an eye on me. The trouble with a facial wound is that if the butterfly stitch were to come prematurely undone, it could result in a permanent facial scar, and in turn an unbalanced moustache. No sooner does the doctor instruct my parents to keep an eye on my lip as I tear off the Band-Aid and start picking at the scar. My parents knew at that point that re-applying the butterfly stitch would result in futility.

So, here I am today, with a scar on my upper lip and a story to share with the world. I’ve attached a photo of my big sis, my dad and myself, all sporting matching Band-Aid moustaches. I think it makes me look like a menacing Tattoo from Fantasy Island.

Enjoy the pics.

Oh, and if you were wondering, the collie’s name was Snoopy.

Giving up the Booze

Here it is, the announcement of the hour: I have given up booze for two months. Now, to those of you who are non-drinkers, or don’t consume booze while attending social gatherings, this may seem like a small feat. I assure you that it is not. I have been drinking some form of alcohol at least once a week for close to 10 years.

Although drinking socially for 10 years, with the occasional bouts of serious drunkenness, and projective vomiting wouldn’t sound like alcohol abuse, by pure definition, it is. I don’t consider myself an alcoholic, and don’t use alcohol to medicate. I enjoy sipping wine with meals, drinking beer with spicy foods, and having pints with friends.

So, why would I want to give up booze for two months? Well, for three reasons.

1) I want to save money (booze aint cheap unless you make it in your bathtub, or drink fermented pickle juice)

2) I am trying to cut out some calories. I’m not as active over the winter as I am over the summer, so I’d like to cut calories where I can. I’d like to have a six pack this summer and not the kind I carry around in a cooler.

3) I want to cleanse my body of toxins. I’ll just replace the booze with copious amounts of water

So, there it is. I’m giving it up. I have been abstaining from alcohol since Monday Jan 15. I have allotted myself 3 drink days. I plan on not using them, but you never know.

Hooray Accident season is here!

The first big snowfall in Southern Ontario brings a smile t the faces of plow operators, tow truck drivers, and amnesia specialists. Unbeknownst to some, every year, between the months of November and March, Southern Ontario is hit with Chances of snow, icy roads a freezing rain. Although this is an annual occurrence, many of us forget how to operate our vehicles in this challenging weather. If you are reading my blog, and have found this SURPRISE winter snowfall has caught you off guard, please read on for some helpful advice.

Please do not panic. Remain calm, and try to remember how you managed to drive in this weather last year. I know how easy it may be to forget a skill you use only one third of the year, but please try for me. Try to remember how sudden acceleration results in minimal progress. Keep in mind that not only is sudden braking impossible on ice and snow, but can result in a complete loss of control of your vehicle. Forget not to make lane changes well in advance, and be sure to use the signal.

No matter how late you get to work, you’ll be even later if your car is wrapped around a pole, so please drive safe.

I hope that I helped at least one person with my blog. Especially the bad lady driver with the green Toyota minivan (you know who you are).

PS> Remember 4 wheel drive really helps in acceleration & driving control, but will do crap all when you’re trying to stop a skid.

Vanity Mirrors – Your Driving Companion

I would like to remind all my female readers that the automobile vanity mirrors are to be used while the automobile is not in motion, and that rear view mirrors are not for checking your make-up. For 15 consecutive work days, I have found 14 women and 1 man preening in the vanity and rear view mirrors while driving an automobile. The man was a special treat as he was attempting the ever tricky “Moving while nose hair trimming” trick. I believe this trick was attempted by Harry Houdini himself, and caused the great one enough stress to almost quit the magic business.

In any case, I’m amazed at how many people choose to sleep in the extra 10 minutes, rather than take the time at home to put on make-up, shave, pluck, brush, and style themselves. The above duties should not be performed in a moving vehicle.

I would really like to see the statistics of accidents involving beauty care products. Anytime there’s an accident and a bottle of booze is found in the wreckage, it’s assumed the driver was drinking or had open alcohol in the vehicle. I’d like to see the stats where beauty products were present, or found in the wreckage. I can almost guarantee you that it would outnumber alcohol related accidents 3 to 1.

A place of Sanctity

So, imagine, you’re in the can, trying to herd a turd and your blackberry goes off. You A) read the message and make a note to get to it later, B) Ignore it, but finish up so you can get out and return the message or C) Pinch and reply?

If you chose C, you’re probably like many people these days. Last night, I visited the mall, and had to visit the urinal, when I heard quick and precise tapping beside me. I heard the distinctive button tapping of a Blackberry keyboard. I polled some of my blackberry using friends and found that most of them will receive and reply to messages while in the can. Maybe it’s just me, but I think it’s completely wrong. It’s right up there with bringing the cordless phone into the lou.

Using a public toilet is bad enough. In the rare emergency situations where I need to use a public toilet, I assure you it’s a quick in and out operation with little time to sit and read email messages let alone reply to them.

Is technology so invasive that the toilet of solitude has now been infested with Blackberries, TXT messages and phone calls?

If ever I see someone with a Laptop in the john, I’ll be sure to take note and ridicule them appropriately. What ever happened to the rolled up newspaper, or the skin rag?

Sayonara UFO Canopy Monstrosity

Yes folks, as many of you don’t know. I have the pleasure of working in a Herman Miller cubicle. What? You don’t know who Herman Miller is? Well, he’s the Andy Warhol of office furniture. I could describe my desk as something in-between a helicopter and a wad of phlegm. It has been nicknamed the UFO, the Lily pad, the chicken wing and my favorite, the in flight beetle. I’ve included a photo. Unfortunately, this isn’t the photo of my desk. My desk is an off white and cream coloured mixture with a tan canopy. It’s accented by the red marble, yellow & grey walls in the office.

So, it’s not so much that I don’t like the desk or its situation. In fact my cubicle mate is super cool and with the mesh walls, it’s easy to carry conversations with her throughout the day. My problem is with the lack of privacy and lack of storage. The swing out drawer is large enough to hold a few CDs and a pack of Tic Tacs.

This week, I’ll be moving to a new desk, with storage, 3” thick grey fabric walls and privacy. Currently, my desk faces the VPs office. Everything I write, view, brows, research, or work on is on display like the woolly mammoth at the Royal Ontario Museum. I frequently get asked about my computer backgrounds, or what programs I’m using.

I will soon be a free man.