So, I’ve recently found myself a target for birds. Whether it’s their feces or the sudden and startling resurrection of a bird from the dumpster, they seem to want to be a part of my life.
Just yesterday I was “lucky” enough to have a pigeon shit on my shoulder, as I was paying for a parking spot in Toronto. Now, I’ve heard throughout my travels that bird shit is quite lucky. I beg to differ. I wonder why poop and superstitions go together like KFC and Ice Cream. The superstition of stepping on dog shit with your left foot while in Paris is also thought to be lucky yet I’ve never heard of any shit steppers winning the lotto. In fact throughout history, shit has been very unlucky. Take for instance Cindy Lauper’s comeback tour. In 2004 Cindy Lauper went on a worldwide tour to promote her album of American song standards. While on concert in Massachusetts, she opened her gullet and whaled out a high-note, leaving her trap ready for any bird to take its shot… unfortunately, a seagull passing overhead couldn’t resist her cavernous pie hold and dropped one right in it. Cindy continued to sing. So, if this bird excrement was so lucky, don’t you think Cindy would still be touring or releasing albums 3-years later?? Nope!
I’m sure that if I put more effort into it, I’d find that Saddam Hussein got shit on and stepped on poop in Paris just before his final losing stand.
My story brings me to today. This morning, I took some trash to the dumpster as I do on occasion. I approached the uncovered dumpster, and hurled a sac of refuse into the receptacle. As the bag crashed down into the other trash, 3 seagulls and a crow flew out of the bird buffet, nearly scaring the shit out of me. It’s only 7:40am and I’ve almost soiled myself. As my heart rate slowed down, I walked to my car, only to find that a bird managed to lay some sort of Picasso art form on my rear windshield. It looks like a cross between the eBay giant Cheeto and Leonardo DiVincci’s last supper. I was in shock as there was no way one single bird could have done this. It was just way too big. I’m convinced there’s a bird conspiracy against me. I wiped away as much as I could and proceeded to the driver side, where I found a small brown bird tag left slightly above the handle. Upon further inspection, the bird managed to get its excrement right inside the handle directly on the area I’d normally use to pull my door handle open.
I’m a firm believer in rectifying a situation at its root. My solution is to run for premier of Ontario. My first duty would be to enact a Right to Eat law that would allow people to hunt and eat Geese all city foul without penalty. I’d even create city foul cooking stations where people could BBQ their freshly caught bounty. Not only would my law limit the nuisance birds in the city and suburbs, but it would also help feed some of the under-privileged Ontario constituency.
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Monday, June 11, 2007
The freaks come out at night
I’ve been in my new place for roughly a year. In that time, very little of significance has happened in the way of Drama with my neighbours. Sure, there are some odd ones. Here’s the historical breakdown of the weird yet harmless neighbours:
Burger Boy – it could be -25 degrees outside and he knocks on my door to asks me if I have a Spare frozen burger for him
Busy Body Senior – Nothing escapes her attention, except for employment. It’s amusing to see a senior who’s claiming disability partake in a running water fight with a 9-year old girl.
Tantrum Child – Tantrums are frequent and fierce. Luckily they don’t happen until the mornings, which don’t affect me as I’m a morning person. The only time a 9-year old will ever beat me to waking up is on Christmas morning.
All night partiers – My kind of people aside from the constant chronic smell
Over-Friendly awkward guy – A simple hi is enough. There’s no need to show me your latest purchase – a Wolf print T-shirt.
White Puffy – As a professional security guard, he’s up earlier than an Amish farmer after a harvest moon. At 5:00 he sits on his balcony (Which is attached to mine), blares rap songs on continuous loop, while smoking a DuMaurier. The smell and sounds are as pleasant as waking up to as waking up in a pool of your own vomit after a bender.
This brings me to the present time. White puffy moved out to train monkeys in Mongolia. Burger Boy got a job as a professional sex fetish surveyor (Do you prefer chicks who squirt?). Over-friendly awkward guy has moved to a “haven”. I can only imagine he’s moved into a Northern Reflections store. The all night partiers have moved out, which brings in Unemployed Shit Disturber.
Unemployed shit disturber always seems to be under the influence of drugs or alcohol. Her associates include “Ted the garbage man”, “Guillaume the shadow creeping assassin”, “Junior, the loveable beer stealing mute child” , and a host of the sketchiest looking characters you’ve ever seen. I wouldn’t be shocked to find out she makes friends by combing homeless shelters and pervert’s row looking for the seediest and least-bathed people in the group. So, Unemployed Shit disturber professes to be my new apartment superintendent. Hooray for me! Within a week of her moving in, she has made enemies with the neighbourhood kids and brought in a guard dog that attacked her puppy.
This evening, I had the privilege of running into her as I was unpacking my bal hockey gear. She gave me the rundown on the happenings in the area.
1) Some kids harassed her son, and subsequently started lighting off fire crackers and smoking crack.
2) The police were called because her car was vandalized
3) Her guard dog has peed on everything in the parking lot. (I assure you the aroma is quite delectable)
4) She brought Guillaume over as her bodyguard to rough up some kids since the police did nothing. Guillaume was extremely secretive, and carried a bag of goodies he was going to use to assault some children.
5) She’s a Police recruit, who has a job waiting for her as soon as she heals her bum knee. How did she aggravate her knee you ask?? Good question. I asked the same thing. She was assaulted. Yeah. She got into a fight and was beaten with a weapon. I didn’t ask for further detail.
6) She’s told me 4 times that she’s having a party with Hors D'oeuvres. The hors d’oeuvres are bolded because she mentioned it about 13 times. I hope there’s sausage rolls. I also hope she doesn’t think that hors d’oeuvres is a fancy way of saying Swinger party. I assure you I wouldn’t poke her with your dick.
7) Each time I speak with her I can’t help but get an overwhelming sense that she’s either drunk, high or both.
Welcome to the land of fear. I can’t wait to wake up tomorrow morning, pick up the Monday edition of the Mississauga News only to find a photo of Guillaume on the front page with a heading that reads “Crack Addict Assaults Teens with 14” Rubber Dildo”
So, where have my old landlords gone? Good question. I have no clue. My former landlords are octogenarians. The male is friendly and easily confused, while the female spits as she talks and always smells of a ripe diaper. Both very nice people, but somewhat ineffective in lording the land. I guess that’s where the new super comes in. Ultimately, I could care less. I think I’m a great tenant I don’t cause problems, help old ladies up the stairs while carrying their groceries and pay my rent on time – Usually. Although I’m usually pretty hands off from the whole lording issue, I really don’t think this lady is fit to handle the super position.
I can’t make this stuff up. I assure you all accounts of this story are accurate and true.
PS> I just found out my neighbour is a clown. She seems like a pleasant clown. I wonder if she breeds balloon animals.
Burger Boy – it could be -25 degrees outside and he knocks on my door to asks me if I have a Spare frozen burger for him
Busy Body Senior – Nothing escapes her attention, except for employment. It’s amusing to see a senior who’s claiming disability partake in a running water fight with a 9-year old girl.
Tantrum Child – Tantrums are frequent and fierce. Luckily they don’t happen until the mornings, which don’t affect me as I’m a morning person. The only time a 9-year old will ever beat me to waking up is on Christmas morning.
All night partiers – My kind of people aside from the constant chronic smell
Over-Friendly awkward guy – A simple hi is enough. There’s no need to show me your latest purchase – a Wolf print T-shirt.
White Puffy – As a professional security guard, he’s up earlier than an Amish farmer after a harvest moon. At 5:00 he sits on his balcony (Which is attached to mine), blares rap songs on continuous loop, while smoking a DuMaurier. The smell and sounds are as pleasant as waking up to as waking up in a pool of your own vomit after a bender.
This brings me to the present time. White puffy moved out to train monkeys in Mongolia. Burger Boy got a job as a professional sex fetish surveyor (Do you prefer chicks who squirt?). Over-friendly awkward guy has moved to a “haven”. I can only imagine he’s moved into a Northern Reflections store. The all night partiers have moved out, which brings in Unemployed Shit Disturber.
Unemployed shit disturber always seems to be under the influence of drugs or alcohol. Her associates include “Ted the garbage man”, “Guillaume the shadow creeping assassin”, “Junior, the loveable beer stealing mute child” , and a host of the sketchiest looking characters you’ve ever seen. I wouldn’t be shocked to find out she makes friends by combing homeless shelters and pervert’s row looking for the seediest and least-bathed people in the group. So, Unemployed Shit disturber professes to be my new apartment superintendent. Hooray for me! Within a week of her moving in, she has made enemies with the neighbourhood kids and brought in a guard dog that attacked her puppy.
This evening, I had the privilege of running into her as I was unpacking my bal hockey gear. She gave me the rundown on the happenings in the area.
1) Some kids harassed her son, and subsequently started lighting off fire crackers and smoking crack.
2) The police were called because her car was vandalized
3) Her guard dog has peed on everything in the parking lot. (I assure you the aroma is quite delectable)
4) She brought Guillaume over as her bodyguard to rough up some kids since the police did nothing. Guillaume was extremely secretive, and carried a bag of goodies he was going to use to assault some children.
5) She’s a Police recruit, who has a job waiting for her as soon as she heals her bum knee. How did she aggravate her knee you ask?? Good question. I asked the same thing. She was assaulted. Yeah. She got into a fight and was beaten with a weapon. I didn’t ask for further detail.
6) She’s told me 4 times that she’s having a party with Hors D'oeuvres. The hors d’oeuvres are bolded because she mentioned it about 13 times. I hope there’s sausage rolls. I also hope she doesn’t think that hors d’oeuvres is a fancy way of saying Swinger party. I assure you I wouldn’t poke her with your dick.
7) Each time I speak with her I can’t help but get an overwhelming sense that she’s either drunk, high or both.
Welcome to the land of fear. I can’t wait to wake up tomorrow morning, pick up the Monday edition of the Mississauga News only to find a photo of Guillaume on the front page with a heading that reads “Crack Addict Assaults Teens with 14” Rubber Dildo”
So, where have my old landlords gone? Good question. I have no clue. My former landlords are octogenarians. The male is friendly and easily confused, while the female spits as she talks and always smells of a ripe diaper. Both very nice people, but somewhat ineffective in lording the land. I guess that’s where the new super comes in. Ultimately, I could care less. I think I’m a great tenant I don’t cause problems, help old ladies up the stairs while carrying their groceries and pay my rent on time – Usually. Although I’m usually pretty hands off from the whole lording issue, I really don’t think this lady is fit to handle the super position.
I can’t make this stuff up. I assure you all accounts of this story are accurate and true.
PS> I just found out my neighbour is a clown. She seems like a pleasant clown. I wonder if she breeds balloon animals.
Thursday, June 07, 2007
Kreskin has been born into me
Kreskin has arrived!
Yes, it’s true I do posses a smidgen of Psychic ability, but my latest prediction was one of my crowning achievements.
Let me preface thy latest prediction with some of my more notable predictions.
Maggie Simpson Shot Mr. Burns. I pulled this way back cliff-hanger from my ass. I knew it would have to either be Mr. Burns’ shadow or Maggie. Since the Shadow couldn’t hold a gun, the Shadow was the obvious dummy choice. Maggie’s Cool blue stare at the baby with the one-eyebrow sealed the deal for me.
Mayor Hazel McCallion would win the 2003. With Stiff competition from Masoon Khan, Charles Coober, Larry J Mancini (Or J-Bird as his friends call him), and Dyal Chanderpaul, McCallion squeaked by with 92% of the votes.
My latest prediction was that the Ottawa Senators would lose to the Anaheim Ducks in 5 games. I stand here before you, the all knowing king of predictions.
Since you’re eager to fill your baskets of knowledge with some of my predictions I will forecast some of my latest predictions. Please remember that my predictions are to be used only as humour and not to be used for betting or wagering.
1) Someone will invent a cure for stupidity and I will have to stop writing these notes
2) Mayor McCheese will be involved in a controversial Legal battle, but will get off on a technicality
3) Paris Hilton will one day have her Vagina surgically shut
4) The Leafs will win the Stanley Cub before the Senators ever will
Yes, it’s true I do posses a smidgen of Psychic ability, but my latest prediction was one of my crowning achievements.
Let me preface thy latest prediction with some of my more notable predictions.
Maggie Simpson Shot Mr. Burns. I pulled this way back cliff-hanger from my ass. I knew it would have to either be Mr. Burns’ shadow or Maggie. Since the Shadow couldn’t hold a gun, the Shadow was the obvious dummy choice. Maggie’s Cool blue stare at the baby with the one-eyebrow sealed the deal for me.
Mayor Hazel McCallion would win the 2003. With Stiff competition from Masoon Khan, Charles Coober, Larry J Mancini (Or J-Bird as his friends call him), and Dyal Chanderpaul, McCallion squeaked by with 92% of the votes.
My latest prediction was that the Ottawa Senators would lose to the Anaheim Ducks in 5 games. I stand here before you, the all knowing king of predictions.
Since you’re eager to fill your baskets of knowledge with some of my predictions I will forecast some of my latest predictions. Please remember that my predictions are to be used only as humour and not to be used for betting or wagering.
1) Someone will invent a cure for stupidity and I will have to stop writing these notes
2) Mayor McCheese will be involved in a controversial Legal battle, but will get off on a technicality
3) Paris Hilton will one day have her Vagina surgically shut
4) The Leafs will win the Stanley Cub before the Senators ever will
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