Top 10 reasons why you shouldn’t cheer for the Ottawa Senators this Playoff Run

10) You’re condoning failure
The Senators toiled in the bottom of the division for 10 years of their 16 year existence. Not only do they hold the record for the worst season ever by an NHL franchise, the NHL initiated a draft lottery because they monopolized the first pick by tanking year after year in order to garner the best draft selection.

9) The team has a history of Whiney players
Alexandre Daigle, Alexi Yashin, and Jason Spezza have all demanded trades from losing teams to be traded to better teams. I don’t know but really, isn’t a contract a two way agreement??? Shouldn’t you understand you’re signing with a crappy team when you sign the initial contract. Ever hear of sucking it up and taking it like a man?? This brings me to my next point

8) The team had to get support from the Canadian government to escape bankruptcy
I would have much rather given funding to the Nords or the Jets over the Sens. Why do you ask?? Well, when the Sens filed for bankruptcy protection nobody cared. They had the poorest attendance in the league and their fan base was non-existant. The Nords had a great fan base, as did the jets, but their market was too small. Much like Ottawa.

7) Sens fans are primarily composed of ex-leaf fans who jumped the bandwagon. It’s true. Once a Leaf fan, now a Sens fan is quite a common switch. To me it would be like going from straight to gay. NOTE: There’s nothing wrong with being gay. I know plenty of gay people who aren’t Sens fans

6) Ontario Premier Daulton McGuinty likes them
This guy looks like he could confuse a hockey puck with a basketball. What’s he doing backing a hockey team. I’m sure if you asked him who the Senator’s captain was he’d reply “Mayor McCheese”

5) They have a tough time selling out playoff seat
Are you kidding me?? A team makes the playoffs and their seats aren’t gobbled up by fans and scalpers? What more does this team need to do to get the home crowd to buy tickets?? Maybe they should give free autographed posters of Daulton McGuinty with every ticket purchase. With a team comprised of first round picks and government funding, how can you go wrong?? It’s not like you’re paying the high prices leaf fans have to pay to watch the home team. Come one fans!! Have some pride.

4) They’re proven Chokers
Yeah, I know they’ve made it pretty far this year, but really. Based on history, if you were to place money on the Sens right now, you’d have better odds betting on Webster if he were to fight Mike Tyson. Yeah, I called him Webster and not Emanuel Lewis.

3) Their logo isn’t fitting of today’s Senators
Yeah, we don’t even call them senators. Why does the team logo depict someone who’s going in to fight. Please tell me the last time a Politicial suited up and joined the army in a fight. They’d be better off having a photo of Steven Harper eating a cheeseburger while winking and making a gun symbol with his hand. Their logo is as far from a senator as the Sabres logo is from a Bison. On a side note, the Sabres new logo looks like a cross between a retarded sperm and an upside down Nike symbol with eyes.

2) The Post-game workout interview
Hey, I know you’re fit. I know you exercise 10 hours a day. Take a rest. It’s after the game. The post-game workout interview is about as inappropriate as jerking off after getting a blow job. HEY, it’s over. Time to relax.

1) You should already be a Leaf fan
Yeah, I had to throw this one in there. Ok, but really, if there ever was a team this year that got away with more cheap shots I’d be surprised. Let me explain. Emery’s Slash to the face of Laperier, Neil’s hit to Drudy… The list continues. For some reason Colin Campbell has a hard on for letting this team off the hook. I don’t know why. Maybe Muckler is good with the pocket pool.

You know what grinds my gears??

Yeah, so I thought I'd take a page out of the Peter Griffin/Family Guy book to create lists of things that "Grind My Gears"

-Having my windows down and driving behind smokers. I know that it's public air and all, but I don't want to smell your tobacco waft.

-Drive Through never gets your order right. I'm sure they have some sort of system to purposefully screw up your order. How can it always be wrong?

-Splitting drink/meal bills among friends. Every time someone takes it in the pooper, and if it's not someone at the table, it's the server.

-Slow Drivers. Need I say more? no? but I will. If you want to drive slow, take the bus. You'll get there in the same amount of time and conserve energy.

-Children with snot wads hanging from their noses. Hey Parents! I know looking after the booger flow can interrupt your relaxing Tall Mocha Non-fat Latte, but really, I'd like to enjoy mine without being reminded of Slimer from Ghostbusters. **Double Gross when it runs down the chin and the kid starts playing with it.

-People who don’t wave when you let them into the lane. Hey Pal, I just did you a favour. Either you wave, or I’m going to sling used batteries at your car. That should be an allowed law. Conversly, I can't stand people who don't let merging cars in. It's the law. Let them in. Attica! Attica!... ok, wrong context.

-People who ask to bud in line because they “Only have one item”. My answer is usually NO. Why? Hey, if I wanted to wait in line a little longer I would have picked a longer line. I see the shortest line because I want to wait as little time as possible.

That’s about it for this installment of “What Grinds My Gears”

BONUS: Calvin pissing on things. What's the deal with that? That sticker doen't need to be in your car window.

Where did we go wrong?

So, I thought it would be funny to list some of my more memorable date/relationship occurrences I’ve encountered over my “dating life” up to this point. Some people may able to relate, while others may be able to pick themselves out of this list. Please enjoy the list and take no offense, as it’s all in good fun. Relatives and people who think highly of me may not want to read any further.

-You thought I sculpted my “John Travolta” chin with my fingers each night
-I don’t want to date you. You’re a Drug Dealer.
-You were upset when I made you breakfast in bed because I woke you up when I washed your dishes
-You need to drive too sometimes
-You didn’t know the meaning of “Stop Short” or “Cop a Feel”
-You are married??
-You took Valium on our second date and couldn’t walk on your own
-You drip slobber on my chin when we kiss
-You never drove, and made me drive to the club on my birthday
-Your cousin made us late because she wanted to have sex in a field
-Your Ex came up in conversation far too much
-I’m sure we both like oral, so please, return the favour
-You never introduced me to your family… even after two years
-Your best friend thinks you’re insane… See the third point
-I was scared of your driving
-Let’s talk about me sometimes
-It’s ok to smile once in a while… some people actually think I’m funny.
-Don’t set me up on a blind date if the only photo you have is 10 years out of date – A lot can change in 10 years
-You didn’t buy me a drink after I caught your pick pocket
-You’re not fun to sleep with
-You get too drunk to do anything - every night
-You talk like a farmer
-Silence is not always golden it’s ok to be loud sometimes
-Quit staring at me – it creeps me out
-When I go down, I have no choice but to swallow, how about you take one for the team
-Harry Potter sucks more than you think it does
-You always smell like cold cuts
-I found a used condom in your room – It wasn’t mine
-It’s ok to pick up the bill once in a while
-I don’t like breast milk
-You really should warn people where you apply your numbing gel. I was liable to bite off my tongue
-I’m not your muse.
-Your cats make the house smell like crap
-I know it was you! I know it was you! There’s only two of us in the car, and it wasn’t me

Magic Spray Allover My Face

Note: To all Doctors, Medical Researchers, Lab Technicians, and Nobel Prize hopefuls:

If you’re looking to cure the world’s most notorious ailments, including but not limited to hang nails, bruises, broken bones, cancer, AIDS, erectile difficulty... look no further than the world’s most popular sport. Soccer has discovered a miracle spray that seems to cure all ailments. I’m sure this miracle spray can cure anything with which it comes in contact.

I have had the privilege of watching many Soccer events. No matter if you watch World teams, Premier leagues or Amateur leagues, Soccer trainers seem to have an abundant supply of this “Magic Spray”. Regardless of the magnitude injury, you’ll be sure to see a trainer run out on to the field with a stretcher in one hand and the “Magic Spray” in the other. With the “Magic Spray”, the trainers ease the pain, rejuvenating players and allowing the noble soccer start to continue on with their elite play.

I can recount numerous occasions where a player has been laying on the turf, writhing in pain, tears running down his face, and as soon as the yellow card is issued to the offending player, and the magic spray is applied, to the injured player miraculously curing him and allowing him to continue his play as if he no longer hurts. I know it sounds fantastic and impossible, but believe me! It’s true! The “Miracle Spray” does possess powers beyond my comprehension.

I implore all medical experts to test the powers of the “Magic Spray”. I have seen the noble soccer player, tackled in mid-field; the tackled player’s arms flailing, followed by a six foot leap into the air and finishing with a tuck and roll technique, only to land squarely on his side, grimacing and shrieking in pain. A fall this gruesome could only be accompanied by broken bones and ruptured spleens, yet, the one and only thing that can cure his anguish is to wait for acknowledgment from the ref and to have a member of the trainer staff apply the mystic mist from the “Magic Spray”

John Ferguson Jr. Must be released for the Leafs to have a chance at success.

I seriously doubt that MLSE brass would actually read my blog, but in the rare hope that they do, please take my advice, and fire JFJ. Before you go ahead and dismiss my request, please read on and you’ll soon discover that although the current GM has made some wise decisions, they are far overshadowed by his gaffs and misses. Nevertheless, I do believe that maybe one day, JFJ will be a great GM, the Leafs fan base cannot sit idly by and support a developing GM.

It has been close to four years since JFJ was hired as GM of the Toronto Maple Leafs on Aug 29, 2003. During that 4 years, the Leafs have fallen from a playoff favourite to a post-season phantom. JFJ’s tenure and timing could not have been set-up any better. With the aid of a lockout, JFJ had the opportunity to mould the roster into anything he wanted. The Lock-out afforded him the time to wait out any heavy contracts signed by the previous GM as well as pick from a two year pool of unrestricted free agents. His actions and decisions did little to improve the organization. A list of noteworthy signings and gaffs would include the overpayment and signing of Pavel Kubina, Bryan McCabe, Jason Allison, Jeff O’Neil and Aki Berg. Although I do believe that both McCabe and Kubina are assets to the team, the price paid and sacrifice of money in a salary capped league restricts the potential signing of other players. Signing Tough guy Tie Domi to a 2.5 Million contract was quite the head scratcher. With the likes of Ben Ondrus and Wade Belak to take the reins as the team’s heavy fists, what would be the use in re-signing Tie Domi, only to have him retire the following year?

One of the most frustrating inactions of JFJ is his inability to make a marquee decision or trade. Two trade deadlines have come and gone during his tenure and he has failed to make a significant move at either season-changing point. His ability to straddle the fence and not make a season altering decision is only overshadowed by his signing of former Toronto Maple Leafs (al la Luke Richardson, Drake Berehowsky, Travis Green, Yannic Perrault). Two straight trade deadlines and twice, JFJ was faced with the decision to improve the team and make a legitimate run at the playoffs, or to give up on the season and deal out the that summer’s free agents for draft picks or future talent. The repercussions of throwing in a season at the February trade-deadline would normally be a possible dip in ticket sales or season ticket holders however, the ACC is sold out every game, and season tickets will still sell no matter how poorly the team does, as proven by the Harold Ballard years.

MLSE, please take my advice, pick up a “Byan Colangelo” for the Toronto Maple leafs. As you did with the Raptors, drop the Rookie GM, and pick someone with experience who can turn the team around.

Please! Bring us a team that will not only beat the Senators in the Playoffs, but also in the Regular Season.

Until then.... Go Sens Go??

The Darwin Fish Should Burn in Hell

I’m sure you’ve been driving down the highway, or walking in a parking lot and have come across the symbol of a Jesus Fish glued to the back of an automobile. These fish are a Christian symbols, more commonly known as Ichthys’. These fish are as common on automobiles as are Sikh symbols, or decals of Calvin pissing on stuff. Normally, I could care less about stuff people wish to glue to their automobiles, but more recently, I have become upset with the vision of the Darwin Fish.

What’s the Darwin Fish? Well, the Darwin Fish seems to be a take on the Jesus Fish. The Darwin Fish is similar to the Jesus Fish except it faces to the right instead of the left, has the word “Darwin” written in the body and has somehow sprouted legs. The Darwin Fish is a direct mockery of the Jesus Fish. I believe it to be disrespectful and extremely insulting to Christians to say the least. I am not a Christian, but am completely appalled by this display of disrespect of one’s religion. I’m sure if someone placed a modified image of the Sikh Khanda with a penis attached, or a Star of David with a Swastika stuck in the centre, it would be deemed disrespectful, yet the Darwin Fish is looked upon as comical and acceptable.

I can assure you that I don’t think that defacing any religious symbol is acceptable. I believe that all religions & beliefs have the right to be expressed but not at the expense of others.

If you know someone who has a Darwin Fish, go out, congratulate them on their incredible intellect, and praise them for mocking someone else’s religion. I’m sure that’s what their looking for. Why else would they want to mock someone else’s religious symbol?

PS> I believe in evolution over creationism, but am not about to go out and start defacing people’s religious symbols to prove my point.

Dean Blundell on Edge 102 Sucks it like no other!

If you’re not from the GTA, Edge 102 is THE Alternative rock station. We here in Toronto are blessed with 15 Adult contemporary stations, 4 dance stations, 2 urban stations, multiple classic rock stations, and countless easy listening stations, yet we have only one alternative rock station. ¾ of the weekdays and every weekend, my dial is firmly tuned to Edge 102. The programming is more or less diverse although recently, they seem to have a hard on for wolf mother.

So, what do I listen to the other ¼ of the week days? Well, Weekday mornings, I tune in to any station that does not broadcast Dean Blundell and the Show. I’d rather have my anus scraped clean by a seashell than have to listen to the 3-man morning show team broadcast on the Edge.

I do admit that sometimes they can be funny, but they take the jokes to a point where they’re no longer enjoyable. The humour on most part is low brow, but the team insists on repeating jokes until they become annoying. Each morning I can expect to hear the same joke about gerbils in Richard Gere’s butt, hear about Todd’s latest attempts to rail girls or Jason’s whiney commentary on both.

I think I’d have to say my biggest beef with the show is how great Dean Blundell thinks he is. Stump the show was a clear example of his desire to feel superior. The premise of the game was to ask the trio a question that they could not answer. With the aid of the internet, they were able to answer almost any question. On the rare instances where the answer was too difficult to find, the team would deem the question stupid and hang up on the caller. I am sure you’re laughing at it right now. Honestly, yeah, that’s a pretty funny joke, but multiply this across 4 months, every morning and the stick get old.

I’ve heard Dean bash Lakeport breweries and the other buck a beer guys for being crap, yet shortly after their tirade, the edge aired a Lakeport brewery ad. Since then I have yet to hear Dean-o bash his sponsors. I guess the Man can be bought.

I could go on about this issue, but would rather you find out how bad they are on your own. I do think that Todd is a pretty funny guy, and Jason has his moments, but Dean Blundell has to go. I’d like to see Todd leave the show to peruse his dream of being a Robocop look-alike (He looks like Peter Weller as RoboCop. Maybe it’s the lack of Eyebrows).

Sexiest Songs

In honour of Valentines, I have created a list of the sexiest songs I can think of. Please keep in mind that I do not have a degree in Sexy, nor do I claim to be Sexy.


In no particular order here they are.


Hey Pretty (Drive By Remix) – Poe
It’s a Mans Mans Mans World – James Brwn
Darling Nikki – Foo Fighters
Got You – Flys
Ooh La La – Goldfrapp
You can’t always get what you want – The Rolling Stones
Son of a Preacher Man – Carly Simon
The Hunter Gets Captured By The Game - Massive Attack With Tracey Thorn
Teardrop – Massive Attack
Glory Box – Portishead*
David Bowie – Thursday’s Child
Cowboy Junkies – Sweet Jane
Painted on My Heart - Cult


For that moment when it’s all done and over – A smile
Fuck Her Gently – Tenacious D





If you get laid while listening to one of these songs, please post a comment. We’d all like to know that at least some of my readers actually get laid :D

*Anything Portishead will do. Their albums are the bomb for Sexy!

Ulla the Eastern European Mouth Specialist

So, I had the privilege of going to the dentist yesterday. Normally, I am quite excited about my dental visits. Everyone is friendly, the cleanings take no more than 20 minutes, my dental hygienist is friendly & attractive, and the dental assistants are great!

This faithful day, my dentist managed to switch my dental hygienist with another…. Ulla…. Ulla’s miniature stature and fair complexion should not be taken lightly. The middle aged eastern European must have been trained in the KGB style of mouth torture and agony testing.

She started by instructing me to wear goggles. I’ve never worn goggles for any of my dental procedures. It wasn’t as if I was going to be shaping chunks of steel on a belt sander I was going in for what I believed was a simple cleaning.

Before even inspecting my teeth, Ulla began questioning my dental cleaning routine. I was told that I should brush more than 2-3 times a day, and that flossing once every other day is unacceptable. I agree, I should floss more and leave it at that. La Femme Ulla then continued to berate me on how bad hygiene causes strokes, bad breath and ulcers. I conceded and told her that although I don’t floss daily, all the dental professionals who inspect my mouth would agree that my teeth are in good shape and I take care of my pearly whites.

Hooray for me. She’s stopped lecturing me about gingivitis. The live action 50’s style guilt film is over… But then… Ulla the enforcer offers me some brochures and instructions on flossing. I interrupted her to assure her my teeth are fine. I attempted to bargain with her. “How about you take a look at my teeth before preparing any literature. I haven’t had any complaints to date”. Ulla Opens my mouth, only to find that Yes, me teeth are in great shape and actually quite clean. She compliments me on my teeth and begins to insert foreign objects into my mouth. In an effort to prove me wrong, Ulla manages to find a patch of plaque and decides to show me what plaque looks like. She pulls out a barber’s mirror and begins a double reflective view of my mouth. Ulla has trouble finding the plaque source, but manages to find it once again. She then lectures me on the affects of plaque build up once again. I thanked her and told her once again, that I understood her concerns and will make an effort to brush at least 3 times a day and floss daily. Obviously, she hears the annoyed tone in my voice and promises to stop lecturing me and will begin her lingual intrusion.

I won’t bore you with the details of my ordeal; however, Ulla managed to stick a dental tool up my nose and drew blood, then proceeded to poke my gums exactly 32 times, plus 3 scrapes. Following her dental swashbuckling, I was punched in the head while she tried to swing the chair around, soaked with pressurized water. And as the grand finale, she managed to get her leg caught in the mouth vacuum hose, jerking my head aside as she left the cleaning room to get the actual dentist.

Before leaving, Ulla had one other parting surprise. She had printed and laminated blurbs on gingivitis, tartar build up, and flossing techniques. The dental assassin placed the sheets on my lap and asked me to read them while she flagged down the professional.

Needless to say, I will never let that lady near my mouth ever again.

So Many Haters out there.

This past couple of weeks, I’ve come across a few websites, posts, and groups focused on hating one thing or another. Whether it’s a sports team, automobile, religious view political party… The list goes on and on. I would really like to understand why people can’t embrace their own believe without putting down another.

As an example, I came across the “Mustangs suck, and a Honda can do more than a mustang”, and the “The Ottawa Senators Suck” groups. Albeit, the Senators may suck, Why create such a group? Why not focus on a joint admiration of all other teams, or a single team?

I just had to get this off my chest.

More recently, I was browsing a deals forum, when I came across a post for a $1 book. The book depicted the top 100 moments in Toronto Maple Leafs history. Unfortunately, 70% of the follow up posts detailed how much the Leafs suck. To mean, the Leafs sucking isn’t much of a deal, where as the book was an incredible deal. The flood of useless bashing really ruined the deal thread.

I am puzzled as to why people hate The Leafs, Mustangs, Political groups? Did a Mustang go out and kill one of their relatives and since then, they’ve felt the need to exact revenge on the automobile model? Was a Toronto Maple Leaf, the guy who created Global Warming? Maybe the entire Liberal party of Canada threw sand in the hater’s eyes when they were young? I am at a loss as to why people hate another group, team or inanimate object. How really can someone hate an inanimate object?

Bank Case 2: Penniless and pondering

Saturday afternoon, and I’ve been working all day. It was the second day of my new job, and I needed to pay for my film development, get changed and showered, and run back to training for dinner and evening festivities. Being that Wal Mart (the 7th circle of hell) was the closest place I could develop film, I was forced to use their skill-less photo lab technicians to develop my film. After waiting an hour and a half to have my film developed, it was finally ready. I went to pay and found that my debit card was displaying insufficient funds. I found this odd, as the preceding Friday was a pay day. I was sure to have money in my account. I was also sure my card was functional, as I had used it earlier in the morning to pay for the film, currently being developed. I was forced to pay by Credit card.

It was 3:30, and I promptly called the Bank’s 1-800 number. After waiting on hold for 20 minutes, I was forced to hang up, as I had arrived at my destination. I thought it wise to use a land line and save myself some airtime. I re-called the bank, and waited another 20 minutes. I finally heard a voice. As usual, I was asked a series of security questions, used to thwart would be thieves. The CSR informed me that my card had been used at a location, known to compromise debit cards. I thanked her for canceling my card, and informed her that I needed money for the evening. The CSR was unable to help me. Since my card was cancelled by the fraud squad, I would have to get my money directly from a bank. Unfortunately, at 4:20, there are no banks open on Saturday (one of the many gripes I have with banks is their unaccommodating business hours). Essentially, I was stranded. The CSR then told me I could use my VISA to withdraw cash. The VISA withdrawal would have been a good idea had I remembered the pin that was given to me 8 years ago. I told the CSR that I didn’t know my VISA pin and could not withdraw any money. I then asked her if I could transfer my money to my account with an affiliated bank. The CSR informed me that since my card was frozen; all my bank accounts were frozen. I was left without cash. I asked to speak with a supervisor or member of the fraud squad. The CSR then promptly hung up on me. I am sure it was an accident. No… really…. I am. I called back once again, and once again, waited on hold for 20 minutes. Again, I answered my security questions, and spoke with yet another CSR. I explained my story to the CSR and he passed me on to a supervisor. The supervisor echoed her subordinate’s statements verbatim. My accounts were all locked and there’s nothing I can do about it until Monday (I later found out that although my card was frozen, they could have processed a transfer… but that’s a whole other story). I was puzzled. What is the point of the security questions to validate my identity over the phone if they really can’t do anything with my account? The supervisor repeated to me that she could not validate my identity and therefore could not unfreeze my account, or transfer any money for me. I guess this location that compromises debit cards is also housed with special Psychic Cashiers, who can predict my mom’s maiden name, guess my birth city, envision my first kiss and knows the name of my third grade teacher. Note to the readers: Never underestimate the psychic abilities of crooks!

It was now after 6:00. I had been on the phone with the banks for a couple of hours, and am penniless. The Bus is about to leave for our dinner destination, and I don’t have any money to do anything. This really sucks. I explained my situation to my new manager, and he loaned me $60 for the evening. On the bright side, we ended up going to a club in the evening, where the Bartender recognized me from Humber College. She gave me free beers and shots all night long.

Monday rolls around and I meet with my personal banking advisor. I explain the situation and she’s appalled. She tells me that I should have received a call as soon as my card was cancelled and she would call the Head office to investigate further. She gets me a replacement card and destroys the tainted card. She was surprised that it’s Monday and the bank still hasn’t called me to notify me my card was cancelled. Standard protocol is to call within 24 hours of an incident, but usually call immediately after canceling a card to avoid the situation I went though. Later that day a Fraud Squad member called me and notified me that my accounts are in order and no funds were siphoned from my account. He also notified me that even though my card was cancelled, my accounts were still active and should have been able to transfer money to my affiliated bank card. You really have to admire those clueless CSRs.

Friday evening, I’m at home and receive a call on my phone. I am asked a series of skill testing and personal questions. My bank has decided to call me and notify me that my card was compromised last week, and if I have used my card since. I was extremely pissed at this point. It took my bank a week to call me to notify me that my card was compromised?? This poor CSR got the brunt of my anger. I asked her if this was a joke, and if it was normal to call someone a WEEK after their card was cancelled. She told me that her supervisor had asked her to call me. And there it was. It was a pity call. I guess someone got in trouble for not calling me a week ago and tried to make amends by calling me a week later. I don’t hold the CSR here at fault at all. The problem lies with the way banks treat their customers. In the end, I would have been better off keeping my money in a jar beside my bed.


The above was yet another reason why I hate banks

Bank Case 1: Waiting at a bank

I figured I’d start off my case files with the quickest and most recent bank case.

I decided I’d start saving for my future and invest in some RRSPs. I currently invest money for retirement, but was looking for something a bit more stable. I opted for a Bank RRSP. It was 3:00pm on a Thursday (extended hours day) and I was the only customer in the bank. I walked up to the customer service desk and informed the CSR that I’d like to open and RRSP account. I was asked to take a seat. After waiting 15 minutes, the CSR approached me with some news. Unfortunately, all of the personal bankers were occupied and could not assist me. I’d have to come back another day. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m appreciative of this CSR’s advice, however, I would have liked to have known 15 minutes earlier that the bankers were all busy. Isn’t it her job to know how long each banker should take and when a banker should be free? So I left the bank with 15 minutes of my live given to the bank.

I then went to visit the bank on Saturday at 2:45. When I spoke to the CSR at this bank, I was informed that there wasn’t enough time to process my RRSP as the bank was to close at 3:00pm. I then glanced at the hours of operation, and noticed that the bank was open from 9:30 – 3:00. There was nobody in the bank, yet I was once again turned away.
The following Monday, I visited a different bank branch at 3:00 pm, and notified the CSR of my intentions to open an RRSP account. After waiting 25 minutes, the CSR asked me if I wouldn’t mind waiting two more minutes before meeting with a personal banker. Hooray for me!!! I’m going to finally meet the illusive personal banker. I imagine this is how the tin man felt when he finally got to meet the Wizard of Oz. Unfortunately, what the CSR meant to say was “Excuse me sir, would you mind if I let all these people behind you, ahead of you?”. Shortly after asking me to wait a couple more minutes, the CSR proceeded to usher the two clients who followed me into the bank, to their personal bankers. I waited an additional 15 minutes before the CSR asked me if I wouldn’t mind coming back another day as all the personal bankers were now occupied. So, I’ve been sitting in the waiting room for 40 minutes with nothing to do but play gold on my cell phone, and now the CSR has the nerve to ask me if I could come back another day. In total, this bank branch, which I shall remain nameless, has robbed me of over an hour of my time (I’m including drive and park time). I politely told the CSR that after waiting 40 minutes at her location, I wasn’t leaving the bank without setting up my RRSP. I waited an additional 10 minutes and met with my personal banker. He didn’t look anything like the Great Wizard of Oz. He was bumbling and tried to sell me a third RRSP solution.

All in all, this was a horrible experience, and hope that I’ll never have to deal with this bank until my 65th birthday. They’ll take my money, invest it without my intervention.

Please stop being so hard on Banks! – A real inconvenient truth

I am a true friend of the bank. I get upset when people slag banks for being inconvenient, costly, inattentive, and self serving.

Why should banks be open before you leave for work, or after you finish work? I think we’re being a bit selfish in thinking that banks should offer hours of operation longer than 6.5 hours a day. Listen up bank customers, bank employees have families too. I’m sure they’d like to maximize the time they spend at home as much as you. Don’t you think it would be indecent to ask them to spend an entire 9 hour shift at work, simply to accommodate the customers? It’s true that banks close for every holiday, celebratory day and soon enough, mothers/Father’s Day; but let the employees have their days off! Really, these holidays aren’t coming as a surprise to us customers. They fall on the same days every year. Who cares if Veterans Day falls on a pay day? You’ll have to visit a money mart to get your cash pensioners! You should make it a priority to visit a bank on your lunch hour, the one day a week the bank is opened late, or on a Saturday. Brave those 30 minute line ups and understand that the banks really are here to serve you.

The banks have made numerous attempts to accommodate us customers. The banks have listened to our requests for later service hours, and have appeased us by introducing ABM machines and Online Banking. Where would I be without those 24 hour ABM machines? These two marvels of modern technology are godsends, albeit convenience does come with a price. Every ABM and internet transaction carries a minimum $1.25 per transaction price. I trust that my $1.25 transaction fee feeds the needed research used to prevent internet banking fraud, and ABM card scams. Just 5 months ago, my bank card was defrauded, duplicated and used. I am confident that without each of my accumulated $1.25 bank fees, they wouldn’t have had the manpower to cancel my card, and then notify me about it a week later. That one week notification could have easily been two months or longer. It’s this personal attention I don’t mind paying for.

When requesting personal branch banking, I don’t mind waiting 30 minutes for service, before being asked to go home as the bankers are all busy. Really, how could they know that the customer who preceded me would take over an hour to finalize a mortgage and house signing papers? I know that my time and patience is valued; it was written on a placard, hung on the wall.

I really do live banks and the services they offer. I leave these thoughts with you: Why do banks need to operate under business hours, and work unofficial holidays that accommodate the customer? What’s the big deal about them collecting a measly $1.25 each transaction they process for us? Doesn’t the service they provide reflect the cost of business? Aren’t banks always looking out for our best interests, and not only interested in milking us of every penny we own?


If you’d like to learn more about my experiences with banks, please read come of the Case files I will pos shortly.

The Bermuda love triangle

Since my life is somewhat of a bore recently, my friends took it upon themselves to thrust me into their relationship woes. One of suck incidents is the story of Bryan and Martina. The names have been changed to protect the innocent. Actually, I changed the names because it makes it feel a lot more covert this way.

Saturday morning, I was up at 8:00 am, working hard at rebuilding my home PC, when all of a sudden I receive a group MSN message from one of my best friends. The message reads something like this “From: I AM A BIG CHEATER, I DON’T DESERVE MARTINA BECAUSE I’M A LIAR AND NEED THERAPY: Message: I’M A LYING CHEATER WHO HAD SEX WITH A 19 YEAR OLD AND PRETEND I’M 23. I NEED SERIOUS THERAPY”

Knowing my friend would never send out a message like this, I called him to make sure everything was on the up and up. He knew right away that his ex had logged into his account, changed his name and send a mass MSN message to everyone on his contact list. I was asked to run some damage control. As a good friend, I logged into his account, changed the password and sent out a message noting that it wasn’t he who sent the message. Everything fixed! I’m such a good friend; I deserve a pat on the back, or a Porsche. Before I could log off, one of his female coworkers sent a suspicious message to his account. Knowing who she was, I identified myself as Steve, and assured her that Bryan did not send out any messages. The coworker response was again suspicious.

My friend came over to my house and brought me up to speed on his situation.

He and his girlfriend broke up. They decided to try and work though their issues, but the relationship was far from stable. Friday night, his girlfriend paid him a visit at work, and was treated to a brood of female coworkers, each with an axe to grind about Bryan. They regaled her with tales of his possible infidelity, womanizing and general attitude toward his female coworkers. All of the tales unsubstantiated, but were enough to cause the troubled couple to break up once again. Martina slapped Bryan in front of his coworkers as she stormed out. I’m sure the coworkers felt a sense of accomplishment and justice as their meddling had caused grief for their nemesis.

So, here we are back to Saturday afternoon, where Bryan is in need of some cheering up and direction. As most guys deal with grief, I offered him beer, chips and porno. He accepted the porno. As Bryan left, I received a message form Martina. She wanted to express her sympathy for dragging me into the situation. Instead of me accepting the apology and letting her go on her way, I defended my friend and questioned the motives of the coworker informants. This led to a lengthy MSN discussion that took over most of the day. In the end, it turns out the coworkers really weren’t as honest as one would think. They definitely had an agenda and malicious intentions. To my knowledge, Martina and Bryan still aren’t together or on speaking terms. I am no longer a part of this situation, and nor do I want to be.

My gripe with this situation would have to be the coworkers. This incestuous group of schemers must have been looking to cleanse their souls in some way. I don’t know how to describe this group of people. They live like gypsies, with no common bonds, or order, just the law of the land and look out for themselves before others. If you haven’t already guessed, they’re servers at a chain restaurant. Unable to see further than their next paycheque or screw, and consumed by the server lifestyle, they have nothing better to do than to spread rumours and lies about a guy trying to better himself and build his life. Please don’t get me wrong. Not all servers act this way, but this particular store seems to find the lowest of the low.

I had to get this off my chest as this entire incident managed to rob me of a weekend fo relaxation and computer rebuilding.

Baby Lassie scarred me for life.

As some of you may have already seen, I have a tiny scar that runs from the base of my nostril to my upper lip. If you attended Vista Heights public school, you may know it as the Bugger Chunnel.

You may wonder how I got such a scar. Well, wonder no more as the mystery of the Chunnel is about to be told. Please feel free to pause from reading, grab some pop corn and a frosted beverage. I’ll wait.

Picture a 3 year old toddler, vacationing in Malta. This 3 year old is happy and active yet bored out of his mind. He stayed with his family at his grandparents’ house. Unfortunately, for a 3 year old, Disneyland and time at spending quality time with the family are polar opposites. What’s an active 3 year old to do? One brilliant idea is to chase a miniature collie around the house. Similar to a midget crocodile hunter, he stalked his prey and chased it from room to room until the dog settled under a bed. Seeing as how the dog had nowhere else to go, the toddler crept under the bed, and grabbed the dog. Victory! This miniature collie will go well in his imaginary trophy case. Much to the toddler’s surprise, the collie didn’t want to go without a fight and swiped at the toddlers face, tearing the skin and leaving behind a sizeable gash.

If you haven’t already figures out, the toddler was me. I think I mentioned earlier in the blog how this was my story. Please keep up.

Well, my parents carted me away to the clinic where the doctor applied a butterfly stitch to my lip and instructed my parents to keep an eye on me. The trouble with a facial wound is that if the butterfly stitch were to come prematurely undone, it could result in a permanent facial scar, and in turn an unbalanced moustache. No sooner does the doctor instruct my parents to keep an eye on my lip as I tear off the Band-Aid and start picking at the scar. My parents knew at that point that re-applying the butterfly stitch would result in futility.

So, here I am today, with a scar on my upper lip and a story to share with the world. I’ve attached a photo of my big sis, my dad and myself, all sporting matching Band-Aid moustaches. I think it makes me look like a menacing Tattoo from Fantasy Island.

Enjoy the pics.

Oh, and if you were wondering, the collie’s name was Snoopy.

Giving up the Booze

Here it is, the announcement of the hour: I have given up booze for two months. Now, to those of you who are non-drinkers, or don’t consume booze while attending social gatherings, this may seem like a small feat. I assure you that it is not. I have been drinking some form of alcohol at least once a week for close to 10 years.

Although drinking socially for 10 years, with the occasional bouts of serious drunkenness, and projective vomiting wouldn’t sound like alcohol abuse, by pure definition, it is. I don’t consider myself an alcoholic, and don’t use alcohol to medicate. I enjoy sipping wine with meals, drinking beer with spicy foods, and having pints with friends.

So, why would I want to give up booze for two months? Well, for three reasons.

1) I want to save money (booze aint cheap unless you make it in your bathtub, or drink fermented pickle juice)

2) I am trying to cut out some calories. I’m not as active over the winter as I am over the summer, so I’d like to cut calories where I can. I’d like to have a six pack this summer and not the kind I carry around in a cooler.

3) I want to cleanse my body of toxins. I’ll just replace the booze with copious amounts of water

So, there it is. I’m giving it up. I have been abstaining from alcohol since Monday Jan 15. I have allotted myself 3 drink days. I plan on not using them, but you never know.

Hooray Accident season is here!

The first big snowfall in Southern Ontario brings a smile t the faces of plow operators, tow truck drivers, and amnesia specialists. Unbeknownst to some, every year, between the months of November and March, Southern Ontario is hit with Chances of snow, icy roads a freezing rain. Although this is an annual occurrence, many of us forget how to operate our vehicles in this challenging weather. If you are reading my blog, and have found this SURPRISE winter snowfall has caught you off guard, please read on for some helpful advice.

Please do not panic. Remain calm, and try to remember how you managed to drive in this weather last year. I know how easy it may be to forget a skill you use only one third of the year, but please try for me. Try to remember how sudden acceleration results in minimal progress. Keep in mind that not only is sudden braking impossible on ice and snow, but can result in a complete loss of control of your vehicle. Forget not to make lane changes well in advance, and be sure to use the signal.

No matter how late you get to work, you’ll be even later if your car is wrapped around a pole, so please drive safe.

I hope that I helped at least one person with my blog. Especially the bad lady driver with the green Toyota minivan (you know who you are).

PS> Remember 4 wheel drive really helps in acceleration & driving control, but will do crap all when you’re trying to stop a skid.

Vanity Mirrors – Your Driving Companion

I would like to remind all my female readers that the automobile vanity mirrors are to be used while the automobile is not in motion, and that rear view mirrors are not for checking your make-up. For 15 consecutive work days, I have found 14 women and 1 man preening in the vanity and rear view mirrors while driving an automobile. The man was a special treat as he was attempting the ever tricky “Moving while nose hair trimming” trick. I believe this trick was attempted by Harry Houdini himself, and caused the great one enough stress to almost quit the magic business.

In any case, I’m amazed at how many people choose to sleep in the extra 10 minutes, rather than take the time at home to put on make-up, shave, pluck, brush, and style themselves. The above duties should not be performed in a moving vehicle.

I would really like to see the statistics of accidents involving beauty care products. Anytime there’s an accident and a bottle of booze is found in the wreckage, it’s assumed the driver was drinking or had open alcohol in the vehicle. I’d like to see the stats where beauty products were present, or found in the wreckage. I can almost guarantee you that it would outnumber alcohol related accidents 3 to 1.

A place of Sanctity

So, imagine, you’re in the can, trying to herd a turd and your blackberry goes off. You A) read the message and make a note to get to it later, B) Ignore it, but finish up so you can get out and return the message or C) Pinch and reply?

If you chose C, you’re probably like many people these days. Last night, I visited the mall, and had to visit the urinal, when I heard quick and precise tapping beside me. I heard the distinctive button tapping of a Blackberry keyboard. I polled some of my blackberry using friends and found that most of them will receive and reply to messages while in the can. Maybe it’s just me, but I think it’s completely wrong. It’s right up there with bringing the cordless phone into the lou.

Using a public toilet is bad enough. In the rare emergency situations where I need to use a public toilet, I assure you it’s a quick in and out operation with little time to sit and read email messages let alone reply to them.

Is technology so invasive that the toilet of solitude has now been infested with Blackberries, TXT messages and phone calls?

If ever I see someone with a Laptop in the john, I’ll be sure to take note and ridicule them appropriately. What ever happened to the rolled up newspaper, or the skin rag?

Sayonara UFO Canopy Monstrosity

Yes folks, as many of you don’t know. I have the pleasure of working in a Herman Miller cubicle. What? You don’t know who Herman Miller is? Well, he’s the Andy Warhol of office furniture. I could describe my desk as something in-between a helicopter and a wad of phlegm. It has been nicknamed the UFO, the Lily pad, the chicken wing and my favorite, the in flight beetle. I’ve included a photo. Unfortunately, this isn’t the photo of my desk. My desk is an off white and cream coloured mixture with a tan canopy. It’s accented by the red marble, yellow & grey walls in the office.

So, it’s not so much that I don’t like the desk or its situation. In fact my cubicle mate is super cool and with the mesh walls, it’s easy to carry conversations with her throughout the day. My problem is with the lack of privacy and lack of storage. The swing out drawer is large enough to hold a few CDs and a pack of Tic Tacs.

This week, I’ll be moving to a new desk, with storage, 3” thick grey fabric walls and privacy. Currently, my desk faces the VPs office. Everything I write, view, brows, research, or work on is on display like the woolly mammoth at the Royal Ontario Museum. I frequently get asked about my computer backgrounds, or what programs I’m using.

I will soon be a free man.