The freaks come out at night

I’ve been in my new place for roughly a year. In that time, very little of significance has happened in the way of Drama with my neighbours. Sure, there are some odd ones. Here’s the historical breakdown of the weird yet harmless neighbours:
Burger Boy – it could be -25 degrees outside and he knocks on my door to asks me if I have a Spare frozen burger for him
Busy Body Senior – Nothing escapes her attention, except for employment. It’s amusing to see a senior who’s claiming disability partake in a running water fight with a 9-year old girl.
Tantrum Child – Tantrums are frequent and fierce. Luckily they don’t happen until the mornings, which don’t affect me as I’m a morning person. The only time a 9-year old will ever beat me to waking up is on Christmas morning.
All night partiers – My kind of people aside from the constant chronic smell
Over-Friendly awkward guy – A simple hi is enough. There’s no need to show me your latest purchase – a Wolf print T-shirt.
White Puffy – As a professional security guard, he’s up earlier than an Amish farmer after a harvest moon. At 5:00 he sits on his balcony (Which is attached to mine), blares rap songs on continuous loop, while smoking a DuMaurier. The smell and sounds are as pleasant as waking up to as waking up in a pool of your own vomit after a bender.

This brings me to the present time. White puffy moved out to train monkeys in Mongolia. Burger Boy got a job as a professional sex fetish surveyor (Do you prefer chicks who squirt?). Over-friendly awkward guy has moved to a “haven”. I can only imagine he’s moved into a Northern Reflections store. The all night partiers have moved out, which brings in Unemployed Shit Disturber.

Unemployed shit disturber always seems to be under the influence of drugs or alcohol. Her associates include “Ted the garbage man”, “Guillaume the shadow creeping assassin”, “Junior, the loveable beer stealing mute child” , and a host of the sketchiest looking characters you’ve ever seen. I wouldn’t be shocked to find out she makes friends by combing homeless shelters and pervert’s row looking for the seediest and least-bathed people in the group. So, Unemployed Shit disturber professes to be my new apartment superintendent. Hooray for me! Within a week of her moving in, she has made enemies with the neighbourhood kids and brought in a guard dog that attacked her puppy.

This evening, I had the privilege of running into her as I was unpacking my bal hockey gear. She gave me the rundown on the happenings in the area.
1) Some kids harassed her son, and subsequently started lighting off fire crackers and smoking crack.
2) The police were called because her car was vandalized
3) Her guard dog has peed on everything in the parking lot. (I assure you the aroma is quite delectable)
4) She brought Guillaume over as her bodyguard to rough up some kids since the police did nothing. Guillaume was extremely secretive, and carried a bag of goodies he was going to use to assault some children.
5) She’s a Police recruit, who has a job waiting for her as soon as she heals her bum knee. How did she aggravate her knee you ask?? Good question. I asked the same thing. She was assaulted. Yeah. She got into a fight and was beaten with a weapon. I didn’t ask for further detail.
6) She’s told me 4 times that she’s having a party with Hors D'oeuvres. The hors d’oeuvres are bolded because she mentioned it about 13 times. I hope there’s sausage rolls. I also hope she doesn’t think that hors d’oeuvres is a fancy way of saying Swinger party. I assure you I wouldn’t poke her with your dick.
7) Each time I speak with her I can’t help but get an overwhelming sense that she’s either drunk, high or both.

Welcome to the land of fear. I can’t wait to wake up tomorrow morning, pick up the Monday edition of the Mississauga News only to find a photo of Guillaume on the front page with a heading that reads “Crack Addict Assaults Teens with 14” Rubber Dildo”

So, where have my old landlords gone? Good question. I have no clue. My former landlords are octogenarians. The male is friendly and easily confused, while the female spits as she talks and always smells of a ripe diaper. Both very nice people, but somewhat ineffective in lording the land. I guess that’s where the new super comes in. Ultimately, I could care less. I think I’m a great tenant I don’t cause problems, help old ladies up the stairs while carrying their groceries and pay my rent on time – Usually. Although I’m usually pretty hands off from the whole lording issue, I really don’t think this lady is fit to handle the super position.

I can’t make this stuff up. I assure you all accounts of this story are accurate and true.

PS> I just found out my neighbour is a clown. She seems like a pleasant clown. I wonder if she breeds balloon animals.