Stuff the seagulls won't eat

Hockey Fans Clouded Judgement

2011-03-10T14:30:00.005-05:00

You may have reccently heard/read about the Zdeno Chara hit on Max Pacioretty. If not, check out the video Here: Youtube

In most circles, it is believed to be a hit that went awry. In other circles it is believed to be vicious and intentional.

An Air Canada Exec with too much time on his hands has made his personal vendetta an NHL sponsorship issue. Denis Vandal, a resident of Montreal, sports fan, and director of Marketing at Air Canada has issued a letter to the NHL, requesting that NHL suspend Chara for his involvement in the incident.

"We are contacting you (Wednesday) to voice our concern over (Tuesday night's) incident involving Max Pacioretty and Zdeno Chara at the Bell Centre in Montreal," wrote Vandal. "This is following several other incidents involving career-threatening and life-threatening headshots in the NHL recently."

"Unless the NHL takes immediate action with serious suspension to the players in question to curtail these life-threatening injuries, Air Canada will withdraw its sponsorship of hockey."

The funny thing is that Vandal didn't say Squat when Crosby was injured earlier in the season. Oddly enough Vandal also failed to react when one of his own Bleu Blanc et Rouge chased an opposing player down the ice swinging his stick like it was Paul Bunion's Axe trying to poke out eyeballs or chop down a tree. Video Here: Youtube

Why was nothign said in 2010 when Lapierre tried to cross check an unsuspecting player through the boards? Video Here: Youtube

Now, the MTL police are investigating the incident. Source Here: Canoe.ca Sports

Where were the Police and Vandal (Air Canada) during the above incidents? Why didn't the police investigate the UFC fight a few months ago. Weren't the fighters trying to injure each other? It's not like they're having pillow fights in the octagon.

I know that when a Leaf player is hurt, I'm upset. I'm even more upset when it's one of the stars. Even still, I'd think it's insane for Toronto Police to go after a player for an incident like this.

As for Air Canada, it's scary that one person has this amount of power. If I were Denis Vandal, I would concern myself with the abysmal consumer satisfaction rating of Air Canada (5th of 7 North American Airlines) instead of concerning myself with a single incident that happened in a hockey game.

I do believe that there are ways to make hockey safer, I just can't believe that this one incident has become the catalyst for so much hate.

The Amazing Guacamole

2011-02-05T10:56:00.005-05:00

Do yourself a favour, and this SuperBowl, make yourself a quick and easy Guacamole.
This is another of my home-made recipes I think you'll enjoy. This dish needs to eb prepared fresh. Guacamole turns brown if left out too long.

You'll Need:
2 Medium sized ripe** Avacados (Haas)
1 Medium onion (diced)
1 Small - Medium tomatoes diced (or 6 cherry tomato diced)
2 teaspoon of freshly ground cumin seed
1 table spoon of fresh squeezed lime juice
1/2 teaspoon of garlic powder (can be substituted for 1/2 clove of crushed garlic)
1 teaspoon of coarse salt
1/2 tsp smoked paprika
Fresh Jalapenos or crushed chilies to taste
--Bonus-- finely diced crispy bacon pieces (optional)

Halve the Avocados, and cut into 1" chunks. Place the avocado into a mixing bowl. Add the spices and salt to the avocado, and blend. Don't over-blend. You want to leave the mixture chunky. Add the diced onions, diced tomato, jalapeno, chilies,and lime juice and blend once again (If you're adding bacon, now is the time to do it).

Move the mixture to a serving bowl, and serve with multigrain tortilla chips.

Avocados should be bought ripe the day you make the mixture. A ripe avocado should have a black rind, and should be firm, yet give when squeezed in your palm. Avocados that are overripe, will share the same colour as a ripe avocado, but will give more easily when squeezed. If you plan to buy your avocados in advance, buy unripened avocados. Unripened avocados have a greener/lighter flesh, and don't yield when squeezed. Avocados ripen very fast, so be sure to buy them only when you plan to use them.

Let down by the Education System once again!

2010-12-01T14:06:00.005-05:00

Recently, you may have read or heard about Emil Cohen. The Northern Secondary School student who was suspended for calling a spade a spade. If you haven't, the full article is here courtesy of the Toronto Sun.

Emile simply summed up the challenges that faced the soccer team throughout the season. Unfortunately, each of the challenges were caused by the school's lack of support for the team and its players. Emile's recanting embarrassed the phys-ed department, and its teachers. The School backed the teachers lack of initiative, and suspended the student for 2-days. This is comparable to going to writing a news-article, criticizing governmental politics, and being incarcerated for 2-days. Are we living in North Korea? Do we want all our children to grow up as drones, living in fear that they can't publicly express their opinions? Emile spoke about sports at a sports assembly. It's not like he interrupted the annual "Grinch who stole Christmas" holiday musical. Emile took time at the right moment to discuss the challenges of the team.

As a student, I knew what it felt like to be under appreciated, and treated as a nuisance. I can recount many stories of how the education system let me down. If it weren't for a strong family system, and the very, very few educators who took the time to work with me, I could have easily been lost in the shuffle and dropped out. I really felt like most of the teachers didn't care. Most of the educators wanted to exact their life frustrations on a defenseless student.

We should be doing more to encourage our students. Instead of punishing them for wanting more support, we should be encouraging their enthusiasm. Using the interest and buzz generated by Emile, why didn't the school set-up a fund raiser for next year's soccer team, instead of suspending him, and removing all his phys-ed privileges? Evidently, it was easier to try and shut him up, and make an example of him, than to have to actually do something that might motivate the student body.

This is a prime example of the education system failing their students. The Belief today is "I am displeased with my job/boss/coworkers/funding/spouse etc. , so our kids are going to pay for it". What a horrible attitude to have when in a position of encouragement & education. What's worse, is that the school board approves this school's actions.

Our educators and school-board workers have chosen to work in the education field. Why don't they start acting like they care about the students instead of acting like they care about a paycheque?

Top 10 reasons why I would think twice before buying an iPhone

2010-07-07T13:16:00.007-04:00

I decided to write this article up because I've heard so many people complain about the phone they love so much. To me, this is comparable to saying "Man, this flesh-bacteria on my are is so painful, but I like the look and feel of how bad-ass it makes me appear"

Don't get me wrong. All mobile phones have their flaws. I'm just amazed that so many people are willing to put up so much grief.

You're a target for hackers and malicious behavior.
Do you ever wonder why you need a virus program on your PC? It's not because Microsoft makes really bad products. It's because over 85% of the world's computers are PCs. If you're a hacker, or someone who wants to control your phone with malicious intent, you're going to want to target the most widely used platform. the iPhone is one of the most widely used phones on the market. What's best, is that if you want to put pirated games on your iPhone, you have to use a piece of software that leaves you more exposed than a flasher in a retirement-home. Just a couple of months ago, iTunes was hacked, and people's personal information was stolen.Again, a feew months ago, AT&T was hacked and people's information was stolen. And again, two months ago, the iTunes app-store was hacked and malicious software was found on their site.
The call quality and phone reception is really bad
Sure the iPhone is great for watching movies, listening to music and downloading cool applications, but the phone reception has been widely criticized. Apple has come out with a free fix for all 3G, 3GS, and 4G iPhones that fixes an issue where the antenna icon incorrectly represents full bars when the reception quality is actually one-bar or lower. So, now you'll know for sure when your reception sucks. This is comparable to a doctor prescribing you a box of kleenex instead of giving you antibiotics. the iPhone 4G has an additional feature, where if held in the left-hand, the reception cuts out almost altogether. Now, true, Apple has issued a fix... it's called holding it in the other hand, or buying a case.
iTunes is horrible
Apple may have spent tonnes of cash building a user-firriendly multimedia product, but the software insterface is horrible. Music searching is a pain in the butt, and creating playlists is painful. What's-more, iTunes is a very large program. it takes a long time to load and connect to the phone.
They make you install Software updates almost weekly
Maybe it's just me, but I don't want to have to update my software once a week. People once complained that Windows XP had too many updates. I'm sure the number of iPhone and iTunes updates per month have surpassed that of XP in the short time the iPhone has existed.
They keep asking if I want to install additional software
Not only am I bombarded with the updates in #4, but I'm also frequently asked if I want to add other apple products to my computer. If I said NO to installing Safari once, why the hell would I want to install it later? Stop asking me every week!!
Apple Hates Flash
If you don't know, Adobe Flash is one of the most widely adopted programming languages on the web. Most of the sites you visit daily, use flash for on-screen animations, games, videos, updates and transaction functions. Apple won't let Flash Live on the iPhone; this is why you have to use a YouTube application. Apple does this so they can better control the applications you run on your phone.
They Break Easily
I have heard countless stories of people who have accidentally dropped their iPhone, only to have the screen shatter. Now, I'd had my phone for 2 years, have dropped it down my steps and I'm sure the screen clarity improved after the incident.
Steve Jobs (And Apple cor for that matter) Doesn't care about you!
I know, it's hard to believe. but you're just a consumer. Your well-being is nothing to those you feed by buying their products. Want proof? Jobs was quoted as saying that a resolution to the iPhone 4 antenna problem was to stop holding the phone in your left hand. In other news, Jobs also asked a consumer to "Leave us alone" when she asked Jobs to clarify his stance on the Apple's Media Relation Department Snub. It's a pretty funny story, and her honesty was rebuffed with incredible ignorance. Story Via The Guardian
There's no Keyboard
Yeah, you'd think that being part of text-driven media, the iPhone would have a physical keyboard to better facilitate text messaging, tweeting, blogging, Facebook status updates and e-mailing. I need a keyboard. My fingers are just a little too... manly to be able to type efficiently on any sort of software keyboard.
I have a Brain
I'm not saying that all iPhone users are brainless. What I am saying, is that I would rather make an informed decision on my phone purchase, than an impulsive one, brought on by Media Hype. I believe that a lot of iPhone consumers are peoiple who bought into the hype, rather than acutally weighing the pros and cons of the device that would be their digital lifeline to social media, phone calling and everything web. How do I come to such conclusions? Well, a few weeks ago, I visited Sherway Gardens to grab lunch. at that time, I happened to pass by a Telus Store that displayed a sign reading "iPhone 4 instock now", and then happened to pass a Rogers Wireless Store, with a similar sign in it's store-front. and finally, I walked past a phone Kiosk that too held a sign reading "iPhone 4 in stock for all Major Carriers". I then passed the Apple store. Outside the Apple store, stood a line up 30-40 people who were waiting to purchase an iPhone (I know this because the line also had a sign reading "iPhone 4 purchase line starts here". I thought to myslef. Why the hell would all these people wait in line to buy an Apple iPhone, when they could simply walk into a Telus, Rogers or other company store and purchase one without lining up. The answer is simple. They do not see the iPhone as a Mobile Smartphone. They see it as an Apple Gadget.

In the End, I'm not saying I would never buy an iPhone. I'm just saying that right now, there are plenty of things to think about before I put my money on a SmartPhone. It's amazing to think that with all these negative attributes, people still flock to the iPhone.

If you were to go buy a car, and the dealer told you that the Gas-Gage doesn't work, the Radio shuts off when you hold the steering wheel, you will get horrible customer service after you purchase, the car will be destroyed in an accident, no matter how insignificant the impact, you will need to maintain the car weekly with updates and service, and your car would be an easy target for carjacking; would you buy the car? I sure wouldn't.

I'm Switching Insurance companies!

2010-06-07T17:46:00.003-04:00

As a bit of history, I have been Insured with this company for over 10 years. I have had a clean record over those 10 years and have never made a claim.

In the past, I was pleased that my rates were competitive and more or less fell within the reasonable realm of insurance charges.

Last week, my insurance renewal came in the mail. My insurance had gone up by 25% for no reason. Here is a synopsis of my phone conversation

Me: Hello, why did my Insurance go up by 25%?
Broker: Not sure, it's inexplicable, you have a perfect record.
Me: Ok, Please lower my rates. I have a competitive quote for $600 less per year.
Broker: Wow, that's a lot. but if you stay with us, your $500 deductible will be $0.
Me: I'm saving $600 annually by switching; so, even if I get into an accident with the other company and pay my $500 deductible every year, I'm still saving $100 per year over you guys.
Broker: The Government forced us to increase our rates. Sorry.
Me: I read That was last year. Our insurance company was approved to go up by 5% at most.
Broker: Yeah, sorry, I don't know. We just suck as a company*
Me: I will be switching. Thanks!

*The broker didn't actually say their company sucks. He actually said that Insurance companies had their premiums increase due to the government. the 5% was an average by company. Some people got dinged higher for no explicable reason. It's the Government's fault for forcing Insurance companies to pay for their own medical liabilities.

So, I'd like to take this time to thank my insurance company for saving me $600 this year.

Canada Post Virus

2010-05-02T09:17:00.007-04:00

Hi All,

My dad recently sent me an email about a Canada Post Virus. Below is the email warning. I thought I'd post this on Facebook because I received the virus email shortly after, and it actually looks convincing. Be aware!

See Bellow:

Email Warning:

URGENT!

Hello everyone,

Just in case you have not seen the newspaper yet, someone is sending out emails saying you have a parcel at the postal outlet which includes a tracking number. Ignore it, CPC does not send out ANY emails like this so just delete it. My source told me that it seems to be mostly hotmail accounts that are affected but don't take a chance. It could include a virus.

Below is the article for the Toronto Sun.

If you receive an e-mail that claims to be from Canada Post asking you to open an attachment, delete it immediately, the postal service warns.

“The e-mail is fraudulent, likely contains a virus, and the package does not exist. Please do not open the attachment,” Canada Post said in a statement.

“The virus is not coming from Canada Post ¬ Canada Post does not require e-mail confirmation to 'affect' delivery. The anonymous authors of this unfortunate e-mail virus are only using the Canada Post name and the name of other large couriers to get your attention.” The Crown corporation said if you receive an e-mail with a tracking number, you can check that number at www.canadapost.ca
.
If it doesn't exist, the e-mail isn't valid.

********************************************************
Actual Virus Email.

Canada Post is holding an important package for you from Canada Post
On-Line Registration / L'inscription en ligne -- Postes Canada
Package ID is 9999999 (Note: I removed the number so nobody could click on it. The email actually contained a short number)

For your protection, the package is secure, encrypted and protected by
the Canada Post Corporation Act and the Criminal Code of Canada.

Please pick up the package at the following Web address:
http s://cpc.postecs.com/ime?x=4-9999999-3657672-C3J27RDX (Note: Do not click on the link, It doesn't work. I changed the address)

WARNING: The package and its attachment are to be opened only by the
designated recipient(s) or authorized representative(s). Unauthorized
handling of mail is an indictable offence under the criminal laws of
Canada.

The package will expire on Tuesday May 18, 2010 at 19:48:50 EDT4

..............................

........................................

Need help picking up your package?

* If the Web address above is highlighted, click on it to open a
browser window. You will automatically be taken to the package.

* If the Web address above is not highlighted, follow these steps:
- Open a Web browser window.
- Copy and paste the entire Web address into the "location" or
"address" bar of the browser.
- Press enter.

If you encounter problems in accessing the package or for further
inquiries, please contact the PosteCS Customer Service Help Desk at
1-866-511-0546 or by email at postecs@canadapost.ca.

_______________________________________________
Delivered with PosteCS(TM)

TAX, TAX, TAX, TAX, TAX, TAX....

2010-03-22T17:42:00.003-04:00

Hooray!

I'd like to personally inform everyone that we're on our way to additional taxes & Fees! Oh yes, you heard it here folks! Our Canadian politicians believe in taxation and fees over responsible spending.

What? This doesn't sound right? You think I'm going crazy? You think our politicians spend responsibly and don't looks at us taxpayer-constituents as no more than inexhaustible money wells?

This is where you're wrong!

You see, two recent news pieces may have slipped by unnoticed. The first being the request by a City of Toronto Mayoral candidate Which is being backed by some councilor), looking to find a subway line by taxing drivers who use highways that lead into the city.; The second being a CRTCs decision that gives TV broadcasters the right to damned fees from TV distributors for the relaying of TV signals.

Thompson is proposing a $5 fee per ride on the DVP to cover the costs to develop a subway line (article here). Do't get me wrong. I think that enhanced public transportation throughout the GTA and surrounding areas is an important endeavor. My feeling is that we are already paying $3.00 a ticket to ride the TTC, shouldn't some of that money go to route development? With the thousands of riders the TTC gets daily, don't you think a $3 fare would cover the costs of maintenance, employee salaries,, operating costs etc? Unfortunately, TTC money is spent on incompetent consultants, nepotism, mismanagement, and a general sense of irresponsibility. Transit in, out and around Toronto is expensive enough as it is. It's almost cheaper to drive if it weren't for parking costs in the city. Did the City really need the expensive 'Wave" decks in Toronto? I'm sure the cost of construction and design alone would have put a nice dent in the subway expansion costs.

While the TTC continues to squander its rider-fares through mismanagement; the CRTC finds it fit to reward mismanagement through charges for free services. Yup! The free over the air signals that our cable companies are relaying, have been deemed chargeable by the CRTC (Article here). It's like the old saying "Selling Ice to an Eskimo". Well the CRTC sees fit that TV companies like Bell, Rogers, and Cogeco, should now be charged for relaying free over the air signal. The Broadcasters believe the money collected through this new fee should go to supporting local broadcasts. Everyone who pays for cable will have to pay into this local support system. Why should everyone paying for cable in Canada have to pay for late-night local access TV in moose-lick Manitoba? Paying for these services do not benefit me in the least. What's worse, is that Shows broadcast locally, are also broadcast for free. Why don't the local citizens who want to watch their local crap, just tune their TVs to Antenna-mode and watch their Local station?

Look at it my way. Imagine you live on a nice street with 10 houses. 9 of the 10 home-owners keep their lawn maintained, and clear their own driveways when it shows. The 10th home-owner however, doesn't mow his own lawn or shovel his driveway. Instead of doing the work himself, he hires a gardener, and plow service. The 10th home owner then goes to each house on the street, and demands $10/month from every home-owner, so they can assist him in paying for his driveway services. My solution to this is simple. Either move out, or raise the money yourself.

Both situations can be dealt with through responsible money management, and strategy. Unfortunately, we seem to be viewed as inexhaustible wells of money.

I'm Gonna Call Bullshit on this one! Cop causes sisters to miss funeral By JOE WARMINGTON, QMI Agency

2010-03-05T12:00:00.002-05:00

This is some incredible Journalism on the part of QMI. Joe Wamington has really gotten to the root of the issue, without sounding biased or unintelligent.

Article Here: Canoe.ca

To Summarize:
A car-full of sisters were en-route to a Funeral. They got lost, and had the driver of the car use a phone to call and ask for directions. The story claims that the direction-giver didn't speak the same language as all the sisters, and the driver had to translate. While translating, driving, and holding a phone, the car was pulled over for contravening the Ontario Law, banning the use of handheld devices while driving.

The sisters are upset because the cop caused them to be late for the funeral.

You really have to be kidding me on this!

The situation sucks, but in the end, only the driver is to blame for this incident.

1) The Cop didn't cause them to be late. They were late because they didn't get proper directions before leaving.
--Was this a surprise funeral? Were attendees only notified of the funeral details minutes before the service? I would think not.

2) There were more option available than to have the driver talk on the phone.
--I can't think of many phone that don't have built-in speaker phone
--The person giving the directions could have passed the phone to someone who spoke English, or another language one of the sisters would have understood
--They couldn't call the Mosque for directions?

3) Receiving a ticket only takes a few minutes. How late were these girls?
--I was pulled over in the past, and I have been issued tickets. It doesn't take more than 5-10 minutes. If the 5-10 minutes it took to write a ticket up made them late, then they most likely would have either arrivedjust in time, or would have beeen late on their own.
--They should have left earlier. There's nothing worse than being late for a funeral.

4) Everyone in Ontario, who hasn't been living in a cave knows about the ban on the use of wireless devices while driving.
--She took her chances and lost.
--She tried to talk her way out of it and couldn't.. Tough luck

Yeah, the situation sucks, but there were many reasons why these sisters were late for the funeral, and neither were the Cops Fault. There were many ways to avid this situation altogether, and neither was taken.

Don't blame the Police for your own mistakes.

Readers may wonder why I'd defend the police in this story. The answer is that the Officer who issued the ticket wasn't at fault. It was the driver.

Sucks, but it could be a lot worse.

Why I failed my G2 Diving test, & other driving test stories

2009-11-03T16:44:00.003-05:00

So, I must admit, I failed my G2 test for no other reason than my own back-talking. Should that be reason enough for me to fail? not at all, but I'm sure it made the day of the driving examiner.

My journey through driving school wasn't the easiest. I decided to go with Sears driving school. It was the cheapest driving school I could find, that would allow me to get some sort of insurance discount, not to mention the Sears points my parents would collect from the course fees.

Remember one thing people, you get what you pay for. The Sears driving course included two training areas; in class, and in-car instruction. My in-car instruction wasn't too bad. I got to drive a metallic-blue Pontiac Sunbird. My driving instructor and I got along very well. I would drive him to and from real-estate showings, and he assured me that if he won the lottery, his metallic-blue Sunbird would be mine. Seeing as how I never got the Sunbird, I can only assume he hasn't won the lottery yet. On special days, he'd ask me to drive him back to his house , so he could use the washroom. I learned three things from my in-car driving instructor. 1) Public toilets are riddled with germs. 2) Property values in Mississauga were trending upwards, and he wanted to get in on the boom. 3) When changing lanes during my driving test, always be sure to over-exaggerate the mirror check. I was told to touch my chin to my shoulders. A lot of students failed due to "improper mirror checking".

My in-class lessons were less than stellar. We watched low-budget 80's driving videos, took tests, where the answers were obvious, and effectively prevented 30 Sears employees from celebrating Sandra's birthday because of our use of the department conference room. What was most frustrating about the entire situation wasn't the fact that the in-class lessons took place in a conference room, where the door faced the Plus and Plenty woman's lingerie department. The worst part was that I had to re-take 3/4 of my classes because my instructors thought it would be wise to give the students the answers to the in-class tests. I spent an additional 6 classes, re-watching the same videos, and re-taking the class tests.

Finally my day of reckoning had come. I was about to go for my G2 test. A few weeks earlier, my father had purchased a new automobile for my mom. I decided to take the test in the newish 2005 Saturn SC1. Sitting in my car, I saw a lanky 6'6" man who sported a red afro and aviator sunglasses (both of which were out of style). As the driving examiner squeezed his frame into the sub-compact sports coupe, he asked me for the licence plate number. Since the car was fairly new, and I hadn't driven the car much, I didn't know the plate number. Here's how the dialogue took place:

Examiner: What's your plate number?
Me: Sorry, I don't know, we just got the car.
Examiner: How can you not know the plate number of your own car?
Me: We just got it, I normally drive the mustang. I know the number of that car.
Examiner: But this is the car you're driving now. Don't you think you should know the number?
Me: You knew before getting in the car that you needed the plate number, why didn't you just get it before getting in the car?

As he vaulted his body out of the car to record the plate, I knew that my test would not have the outcome I desired. Still, I gave my examiner the driving experience of a lifetime. I signaled like a champ, dodged other drivers, and parallel parked better than a stunt driver, not to mention, checked my mirrors and blind spots like an overactive french mime. I was sure I had passed. Flawless driving at its best. When the exam was complete, I turned to the examiner turned to me and said "you failed the examination, and showed me that I failed to check my mirrors and blind-spot multiple times. Each time was a point deduction. I had failed not due to my ineptitude, but instead due to the road-examiner's own failure in forethought, and my failure in judgment.

After passing my G2 re-test with flying colours, I was ready to try my hand at a full-blown licence. The G test was in many circles, equivalent to the eliminator in American Gladiators. My G test was much more enjoyable than my first G2 test. I saw a driving hopeful almost get crushed by a tractor trailer, and had my examiner reach over to honk the horn at another student who was failing their test horribly. At the end of the exam, I was tasked with parallel parking the car. As I backed in with grace, I heard a thud. The tire had hit the curb. How was it possible that I had put forward such a flawless test, and blew it all away by hitting the curb. I parked the car, then returned to the testing centre. The examiner turned to me and said " If it weren't for your phenomenal driving throughout the test, I would have failed you for hitting the curb. You've passed"

In the end, I learned that a smart mouth doesn't always work to your advantage, and that honking is ok! To this day, I honk all the time. in fact, I honked my horn this morning, when assisting my friend in locating my car.

The Savety Razor Wet Shave made me toss my Fusion

2009-09-27T09:36:00.004-04:00

I, like many men have to shave on a daily basis in order to keep my face from appearing like a specimen from Animal Planet. That being said, there's no better razor on the market than the Gillette Fusion. In an effort to find the closest shave, I have tried every mainstream razor on the market. I even used to drive to the US to buy Old Spice Razors until they were discontinued. My passion for a clean shave was hampered by the expensive cost of replacement blade cartridges. This was until I revived a retro shaving system.

Since I have thick beard hair (aka the Maltese Specialty), I rip through a new cartridge once every two weeks. If I were to try a razor for any longer than two weeks, I find that the razor begins to irritate my skin, and the closeness of the shave deteriorates rapidly. Fusion blades cost ~$5 each replacement. In an effort to conserve some dough, I decided I'd try the "5", a generic 5-blade system sold in all pharmacies under different names. Although the "5" provides a decent shave for the money at ~$3 per blade, I still felt pretty ripped off for the kind of money I'm spending for a half-assed shave. This lead to my recent discovery.

As I was searching eBay for the latest deals on electronics and fishing supplied. I thought I'd buy some direct-from-china Gillette Fusion blades. It comes out to ~$3 per cartridge. At that price, I'd give up my "5" and go back to the better shaving system. In my search for the cheapest Fusion price on eBay, I came across a vintage wet Shave razor listing. Finding the vintage wet-shave razor lead me to do a bit of research on the topic of "Wet Shaving", and "Safety Razors". Safety razors were the main form of shaving until the early 70's. I did a bit more digging, and found that a lot of people are switching back to the safety razor system. The Safety razor system allows the user to alter the angle and exposure of the blade, to match the face on which the blade is being used.

I did my research, and found a 1972 Gillette "Black Beauty" razor in excellent condition for $12 (That's one heck of a deal). Once I got the razor, I sterilized it, cleaned it and prepared it for shaving. Yesterday was my first Safety Razor shaving experience, and I can't be happier. The shave was close and comfortable; equal or greater to any shave I've ever gotten from the Gillette Fusion. The replacement blades cost ~$1 each at the pharmacy, but go for under $0.20 each if bought online. Since the blades are double-sided, theoretically, I could switch blades every other day, and my shaving experience would still be cheaper and better than anything I could get from the Fusion.

From this point forward, the only way I'll be using a cartridge shaving system, is if I'm traveling.

If you want a bit more information on Safety Razors and Wet Shaving, click the links below.

Safety Razor tips
Safety Razor guide on eBay
Boring Guy with Great Safety Razor tips

Milk - They'll make you pay for longevity

2009-09-11T08:05:00.002-04:00

I am not sure if you've noticed, but the expiry date on your milk is getting sooner and sooner.

Over the past 3 years, I have noticed that the expiry date on run of the mill 4L bags of milk has reduced from 4 weeks, to 3 weeks, and now to ~2.5 weeks. The expiry dated on standard milk have shrunk, while the expiry dates on premium grade milk has remained the same at 4-5 weeks.

I'm not one for conspiracy or collusion theories, but this is all to frequent and all to sudden. I believe the Milk producers have worked together to cohesively reduce the longevity of standard milk products, while maintaining the longevity of premium milk products, in order to garner more profits. Very frequently, I have intercepted the milk-stock clerk and picked a bag right off the new-shipment cart, only to find the expiry date on my standard milk product to be between 2.5 - 3 weeks left of freshness before the expiry date.

Now, I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but I find it odd that every retailer is now selling standard milk that only lasts 2.5 weeks, whlie premium milk lasts 4+ weeks.

White Beers are taking over, but only one can take over my heart

2009-08-06T10:59:00.003-04:00

The past couple of years has ushered in a slew of new white beers. You can't walk by a patio in the summer without seeing a patron hoisting a glass, which includes a sliver of Orange to compliment the White beer flavours.

When I initially tasted a white beer (Schneiderwiess), I exclaimed to everyone at the party that I made a large mistake in life, by buying that specific type of beer. My initial reaction to the white beer was that of disgust. It tasted like I was drinking hot dog water, mixed with beer that had just recently turned bad.

8 years later, and I enjoy the taste of a white beer. I was re-introduced to the taste of white beer through Hoegaarden about 4 years ago. The manly glass used to present the beer was my initial attractant. Although it wasn't a beer I'd order often, it was an excellent break from the traditional ales and pilsners I was accustomed to. I soon started to devblop a taste for the white beers, and began exploring other brands of white beer. Whether I was drinking was Rickards, McAuslan, KLB, or Mill Street, or the previously mentioned Howgaarden, I especially appreciated the light flavours of white beers on a patio, in the summer. It became aparent that White beers were becoming the new fad in the beer market. PC even manufactures a White beer called Blanche. This pasts pring ushered in an excellent member of the white beer selection; Keiths White was soon becoming my favorite. The flavour was consistent, no matter where I purchased it. The brew was readily available, refreshing, and reasonably priced.

A few weeks ago, I had the pleasure of tasting Kronenbourg Blanc. If you know me personally, you know that my list of top beers includes Kronenbourg's 1664 victory beer. Based on my appreciation of the 1664 Victory product, I decided to try Kronenbour Blanc. I don't think I can accurately describe my immediate amazement with Kronenbourg Blanc. Kronenbour Blanc was as smooth as Hoegaarden with more fruity flavours, and a velvety overall taste. By far, Kronenbourg Blanc tops my list of White beers, and is a top contender for overall favourite beer. I offered a sample of Kronenbourg blanc to a friend of mine, and he too felt that it was the best white beer he had ever tasted.

If you're interested in trying Kronenbourg Blanc, visit the West 50 pourhouse in Mississauga. I can't find any other place that sells this beer.

Even if you don't like White beers, I am confident that this beer will change your viewpoint on White beers

Bad Drivers Unite - then drive your asses in to a ditch!

2009-06-04T17:50:00.003-04:00

Maybe it's just me, or maybe it's just you. I live in a city where ridiculous driving is ignored by the police and crazy drivers feel the need to flip the bird in order to add insult to injury.

If you've ever been in a car with me, you'll know that the crazies target me like the elderly target the Mandarin Buffet - frequently and with disregard for others. I would be surprised if I found out there was a secret game being played, where other drivers get points for making me dodge to avoid them, and extra points if they cause me to crash... kind of like Gotcha but with cars, and with me not knowing.

The other day, I was driving home from work, minding my own business when some doucher in a gray Altima decided he'd run a long-gone advanced green. To give you a bit of perspective on this, imagine you're facing an advanced green. The advanced green now ends. Wait the standard two seconds before the straight-driving traffic gets the go-ahead. Straight driving traffic now gets the go-ahead, as my light turns green. Now, say "On your marks, get set go" as soon as you say finish saying go, the loser in the Altima making the illigal left turn is going to swing out and force 3 lanes of traffic to halt. As he makes the turn, the Altimapassenger decides he'd like to flip us all the bird. Not only has this jerk-ass almost caused an accident, and has had his passenger flipp us the bird, he's also carrying a back-seat full of children. What an excellent example these people are setting for their children.

If this is a grand old game, what would be the score if you were to almost hit me and flip me the bird. Is that like a double-point score?

Leno Vs. Letterman - Who you got?

2009-05-25T08:09:00.003-04:00

When I reflect on the time that I've spent watching evening talk-show, I can't help but to wonder how Leno stayed on the air, and how he actually garnered decent ratings. I can't remember a single time I've actually laughed at a joke on Leno, except for the time Barak Obama made fun of the special Olympics.

Letterman on the other hand, although sometimes condescending, is extremely enjoyable and a much better interviewer, yet ranked lower in viewershp than Leno. His awkward moments with Crispin Glover, the time he brought flowers to the GE office, and more recently Joaquin Phoenix, are all excellent examples of Orignal moments that could only be produced by Late Night with David Letterman. Leno, on the other hand, can only produce laughs with his "Headlines" bit. A bit that was derrived from other people's mistakes or printings. Letterman does the same bit, except his "Great Moments in Preseidential Speeches" are funnier and more current. Unfortunately, the Letterman bit was put to rest when Barak took office.

Letterman always seemed to get more out of his guests. The dialog almost always seems genuine, and unforced, unlike Leno, who looks like he's reading his questions from the prompter.

I'm convinced that People are just content Tuning in to NBC evening talk shows because that's what they're use to doing. It's time to wake up and tune in to a show you'll actually enjoy.

I am happy to see Leno leave the airwaves for good. Leno took a great show, previously hosted by gifted hosts, and flushed it down the tubes. Hopefully O'Brien will bring the Tonight Show back to a respectable level. If not, there's always dependable Letterman.

Puff the Magic Dragon, lived by the sea... and Mornings, lunch and eveoutside my office

2009-04-25T09:41:00.004-04:00

The sun is shining, breeze is warm, an the air smells like George Burns' Ass.

This is what I come across when I exit/enter my office building on a daily basis. I thought I'd write about this after I had some time to think about the issue, and cool down.

For those of you who are not from Ontario, you may not know that we have some pretty strict smoking laws in place to protect non-smokers from inadvertently inhaling second-hand smoke toxins while in public areas. In brief, the law forbids smoking within 9 meters of building entrances, and must not have an overhead shelter. All entrances must display a non-smoking sign.

In an effort to encourage smoking within designated smoking areas, the building management at my office, has created a patio-style smoking area with seating and wind shelter. Unfortunately, this area is not used as frequently as it should be.

Instead of using this designated smokers-section, you find that smokers more frequently use the sheltered entrance area as their preferred smoking area. The wonderful thing about this sheltered entrance area is that it holds smoke very well, leaving us smoke-sensitive workers to share in the splendour of second hand smoke. I frequently find myself fighting off headaches due to second-hand smoke. I have an allergy to smoke, and asthma that are both aggravated each time I enter and exit the office.

The office management has taken steps to try and deter smokers who choose to smoke in law-prohibited areas. The office has sent out emails, and has asked office patrons to move to the designated smoking area Unfortunately, the smokers ignore these requests and continue to infringe on the health and happiness of their fellow coworkers by smoking within 5 feet of the entrance.

I have asked coworkers in the past to head to the smoking section instead of smoking within the confined of the pre-designated smoke-free areas. Although my coworkers oblige when I ask, they retun to the designated smoke-free areas for their next nic-fix.

Normally, my reaction to resolving issue that affect me would be to request action from the parties involved (which I've already done), and if results are not achieved, I'd escalate the issue to the local authority, and finally to the legal authority. Unfortunately, I don't feel the local authority nor the legal authorities will action my request.

In the past, I've made complaints to the local smoking authorities for smoking infractions that adversely affected me. To my dismay, the local authorities felt that although the rules were being broken, they weren't being broken "that bad" so the were left with a warning.

I would compare smoking in non-smoking areas to bringing peanut butter to an elementary school. The happiness of the individual is trumped by the health of another. The problem is that people really aren't taking the negative affects of smoking seriously. There are coalitions to save smoking and right to choose parties looking to keep smoking in public areas. You don't see coalitions for peanuts in schools, or free the peanut campaigns. The affects are the same, but not as immediate. Why are we so blind to ignore these facts?

My hope now is that someone reads this and understands that these smoking laws are not meant to inconvenience smokers for the sake of inconvenience, but rather are meant to protect the smoke sensitive individuals like myself.

Jose Calderon part of the nba History, and nobody knows.

2009-04-21T16:35:00.003-04:00

When you think of amazing, Jose Calderon of the Toronto Raptors doesn't come to mind. Talented...maybe? But one thinkg to note about the Spanish Rap, is that he is among a league of elite players.

I was listening to Sports radio and was amazed to hear that Calderon has quietly become a member of the 50-40-90 club. Last year, he was in contention but didn't meet the minimum requirement for shots.

What is this 50-40-90 club, and how can I be a member?

The requirements are simple. Throw 50% accuracy or better from the field, 40% or better from 3pt range, and 90% or better from the line. There is a minimum requirement of shots in each, but I couldn't find the number.

The other 5 members of this elite club are Larry Bird, Reggie Miller, Steve Nash, and Dirk Nowitzki.

I'm surprised that this hasn't been made very public or celebrated. Neither the Raptors nor NBA have announced the feat.

The only place I read about it was in a Spanish newspaper. Link Here: http://www.laopinioncoruna.es/secciones/noticia.jsp?pRef=2009041500_12_277529__Deportes-Calderon-tirador-infalible

In addition to all this, Calderon holds the record for most accurate free throws all-time with 98.1% making 151 of 154.

Pretty Amazing that a team that can't fill all the seats around the court isn't promoting its players the way it should be. Clearly, another blunder by MLSE.

Bathroom Hijacked by a Toilet Jockey

2009-04-20T12:50:00.006-04:00

Maybe it's me, but I can't stand having Bathroom attendants in Club/Bars. The other night, I went to Failte Irish pub in Mississauga, only to find that as I relieved myself in their facilities, I was being watched by a panhandler with soap.

Yes, I was the victim of a bathroom hijacking.

I don't feel the need to pay someone for services I can render on my own. I do not need someone dispensing soap or a towel for me, when I'm perfectly capable of doing so on my own. Failte Irish pub featured a toilet jockey who not only blocked the entrance of a tiny bathroom, but also removed the paper towel from the paper towel dispenser, leaving those of us who like to wash and DRY our own hands, paying for these normally free services. What'smore, the Bathroom at Failte was pretty filthy. The Bathroom attendant paid no attention to the scraps of paper discarded on the floor, nor was he concerned with the urine pool that led from the stall to the frond door. As small as the Failte Men's bathrrom is, the addition of a working body that does nothing but panhandle and take up space is absolutely foolish.

There seems to be no real need for bathroom attendants in Bars & Clubs, except to find other ways of gouging patrons. I don't feel the need to pray on their selection of designer imposter colognes, nor do I need to use deodorant that a stranger has applied before me. I feel that if I'm going to have someone watch me use the urinal, he should be paying me for his perverted pleasure.

I know I've spoken about this topic before, but really, something has to be said for these "Services" and the right of refusal in bars and clubs.

Shamwow - Now even better at picking up hooker blood!

2009-04-10T20:50:00.002-04:00

So, let's say you're out on Tijuana with some guys, and after consuming copious amounts of booze, you find yourself with a lady of the evening. Now, let's say this ball-jockey you picked up starts to get a bit ornery and had to go a bit Charles Bronson on her to knock he down a peg or two. On the surface, a good old fashion Mexican hooker-beating may sound like a good idea, but what to do with all the hooker blood that comes as a result of this Bronsonesque peg knocking??? Well, keep up with me here camera-man, because I can only do this once!

Oh yeah, You heard it here first! Shamwow, now available in Mexico. Check out the video below to see the ad in all it's hilarity.

In other Shamwow News.... Have you herd tat Vince, the Shamwow guy has been charg with assaulting a hooker? Oh yeah. As it turns out, the hooker bit Vince's tongue, so he laid down a hooker beating of his own.

Details Here: http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2009/0327092sham1.html

Shamwow Vince in an even finer form http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2009/0408091sham1.html

Vince's Handy Work: http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2009/0330091newsham1.html

Another setback for the Toilet Chef of the Midwest

2009-03-27T07:04:00.003-04:00

If you've ever tried to cook something on the toilet, let me tell you it takes a lot of skill and preparation. Not that I know from experience, or anything, it's just that a friend of a friend tried it once and I'll have to admit it sounded like a pretty mean kebab.

Joking aside, how desperate must you be if you have to cook your meals in a toilet? Well, a Washington prison inmate was that desperate. AP news story here. My next question would have to be "why is the washington prison selling uncooked meat to inmates who have no way of cooking it"? That's comparable to selling hard candy at a denture convention, or contraceptives to mormons.

Unfortunately, the AP did not get a photo or a name of this inmate. I however did some investigative research and found the crappy culinary online. Hit the link for a photo.

Are they that dumb, or is it a language thing?

2009-03-25T07:22:00.003-04:00

Have you ever heard of these direct-from-china websites that cater to English speaking parts of the world? They're usually a good source for rare electronics finds and a bit of "engrish" humor, but in some rare cases, it's a source of complete frustration.

My last interaction with one of these china-direct websites comes with an ongoing story. On Jan 4 2009, I purchased a Playstation 3 controller to accompany the super-awesome PS3 I got for christmas. I was too cheap to go out to EB games and shell out $56 for a genuine Sony Playstation controller. I thought I'd save some money and use some of the balance I had in my paypal account. My purchase came to $31. This particular PS3 controller was a steal considering it featured Bluetooth, which allows me to wirelessly controll my Ps3 system.

Unfortunately, when I received the controller, I found that it does not feature Bluetooth connectivity. The product listing was incorrect. The controller came with a Dongle I had to plug in to the PS#. The problem with the dongle is that it blinks red every second. The dongle and the blinking are pretty distracting.

I decided to contact the customer service department to see if I could get a replacement controller; a controller that featured Bluetooth.

Here's how my conversation went. Please understand that I've been dealing with this company for almost 3 months on this issue. I'll be paraphrasing below because they've been deleting my on-line messages in shame.

Me - Hello, the controller you sent me does not function as described. It looks exactly the same as the one you have in the description, except it does not feature Bluetooth, nor does it come with a USB cable.

Liu - I'm sorry to hear sir, please send us a photo.

Me - Do I really need to send you a photo? It's the exact same thing you have on your site. The packaging is the same and everything. It's just that your product description is incorrect.

Sammy - I'm sorry to hear you're having problems with your purchase, please send us a photo.

Me - your site doesn't allow me to pate links to the photos. Do you have an email address I can send to

Michelle - Sorry, our site doesn't work right now. Please send us an email.

[I send them a photo of the item]

Me - I sent you a photo. Did you get it?

Mike - no, please send again.

[I send through another photo of the item]

Me - Did you get the email? I haven't gotten a response in a while

[It's moon festiva, the country shuts down for a few days]

Michelle - Sorry, we have been on vacation for days. We got your photo thanks

Me - Ok, what should I do now? I would really like a controller that has Bluetooth. Evidently, your description is incoorect, and this one does not have Bluetooth.

Michelle - I'm sorry to hear you're having problems with your product. Please send it to Hong Kong. Address Attached. We will send you a new controller that features Bluetooth.

[I send this thing over and it costs me $10. This means I've paid $41 for this controller now]

Me - Hi, I checked the tracking and it appears that you got the return a week and a half ago. When can I expect my replacement bluetooth controller?

Lilly - Hello, yes we did receive it a week ago. We will be sending you out a new controller for the asap

[I finally get this thing on March 18. That's a month after they said it would be sent on the asap. I guess asap means something different in engrish]

Me - Hello, I received the replacement controller, but it's the same one I was sent originally. Please re-read the chain of messages again.

This webpage item description is incorrect. Item #GCO21B does not feature Bluetooth. The item you sent me is the one listed on your site, except your site incorectly lists Bluetooth as one of the product features. I want a controller that features Bluetooth.

Zoe - We are so sorry to hear that. But could you please send us photos of the parcel including products? You can use URL or just send it to info@focalprice.com. Please let us know after you send it. We will deal with it as soon as we receive it.

Me - Do you really need a photo again? This is the exact same product that you have on your site. My issue has to do with an incorrect Description.

Zoe - We are so sorry to hear that. But could you please send us photos of the parcel including products? You can use URL or just send it to info@focalprice.com. Please let us know after you send it. We will deal with it as soon as we receive it.

[I send them a photo again]

Michelle - Hello, would you accept a $3USD discount?

Me - I would not accept a $3USD discount as it cost me $10 USD to return the controller. What I would accept is a replacement controller that actually had Bluetooth.

Lily - Dear Stephen,
We feel sorry for any inconvenience.
Would you mind paying $3.5 for resending a new one.
and you would send it back, dur to the expensive shiping fee.
please advise you opinion.
Thanks for your patience and support.

Me - Hi Lily, I dno't understand what you mean. Would you like me to return the product I currently have, and pay $3.50 USD for a new controller that has bluetooth?

Cherry - We mean that you pay $3.5 and we send you a new again. As for the wrong item, you can hold it. If you agree, please send payment to focalprice@gmail.com. Please let us know after your payment. We will arrange new shipment of the exact same item to you again.

Me - Will the new GS021B have Bluetooth? The last twe I received do not have Bluetooth. Remember, the issue is that this product has an incorrect description on your site.

Michelle - The item is as the description. It has bluetooth.

[Now, I'm trying to decide. Is english the barrier, or are they trying to confuse me enough that I'll just leave them alone. Unfortunately, I'm like a Barak Obama Joke about handicapped people - I just won't go away]

Me - The problem is that the item does not have bluetooth. The description is wrong. The item is wireless, but does not have bluetooth.

Michelle - I am afraid there is something wrong with the purchasing department. Would you like to accept it with some discount ?

Me - Hello, I do not want a discount. If possible, I'd like a controller that actually features Bluetooth. Is that possible? You once sold a Genuine Sony controller with Bluetooth on your site.

Think Mac computers are hacker-proof? Think again!

2009-03-23T10:11:00.006-04:00

I came across this article the other day and thought I'd pass it along. I always get challenged when I say that Apple computers and PC computers are pretty much the same, with some minor differences. To over-simplify it, I'd compare it to Starbucks vs. Tim Hortons; no matter how you slice it, they both serve coffee.

One of the Biggest Mac misconceptions is that they don't get viruses, and can't be hacked. The truth is that since Mac computers hold such a small market share, the hackers & virus creators tend not to pay attention to them. They'd rather target the larger market in hopes of finding someone who is vulnerable. For those of you that don't believe me, check out this article in which an Apple computer is hacked in less than 10 seconds.

The moral of this story is as follows:

A - Don't believe everything you see on TV. Those Mac vs. PC ads almost totally banned in the UK for good reason (They have more stringent advertising laws than we do. Here, we can bend the rules a bit, in the UK, you have to tell it as it is). Click the Link to check out the Ad that claims that Mac Don't get viruses.

B -NEVER have unprotected sex with strangers! Even if she says she's only been with a few guys, and there's no way you'd get a virus, and there's no possibility of your dick getting hacked by a stranger, wear a condom.

My Car Turned 100,000Kms today

2009-03-19T10:29:00.003-04:00

Yup, The car I purchased 3 years and 9 months ago turned 100,000Kms the other day. It was quite a momentous occasion. Marcy D'Arcy is purring like a kitten, and not those kittens who moan all night long, keeping you up, only after head butting the bedroom door open ;)

It got me thinking about the current plight of North American auto makers and a recent discussion I heard on talk radio. Yeah, I listen to talk radio in the mornings because I can't stand Dean Blundel; he's about as funny as a clown funeral, but that's another story for another day.

The argument came about after the president of Ford Canada proposed a $3,500 rebate for buyers of new Ford, Chrysler, and GM cars, if they junk their 10+ year old cars. I thought this was a pretty good idea considering the fact that Cars have become Greener, with a decrease in emissions of up to 50%. Mix the environmental factors with the stimulus the rebate would provide, and it appears to be a pretty good idea. The problem is that during the entirety of the discussion, only pro-old car and anti-domestic voices called in. Arguments ranged from people who want to keep their car for as long as possible, to use it as a measure of their own reliability no matter how much the car costs in monthly repairs, to callers who thought that domestic cars were pieces of junk. One caller even went so far as to misquote statistics from a CNN report, stating that 80% of domestic cars are not produced in North America (The actual story summary is that not all import cars are made outside North America, and not all North American cars are built in the United States).

Whatever the case, I want people to know that not all North American cars are crap. I just rolled over the 100,000KM mark on my mustang, and am proud to say my last mustang lasted 15 years and 389,000Kms. I bet there's plenty of people out there with domestic car success and pain stories. My issue is that people rely on ignorance and biased opinions when making car purchases. When looking to buy a car, do yourself a favor, and do some research. Check out Consumer Reports, ask current vehicle owners if they're happy with their car. Don't just rely on propaganda and slick marketing.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying to only buy North American, my point is to simply educate yourself before you buy, and hopefully, educate yourself before you open your mouth on national radio.

The Belarussians and the Bride?

2009-02-20T07:41:00.005-05:00

If you follow the NHL, and more specifically, the Canadiens and the Toronto Maple Leafs, you're sure to have heard about the rift between the Kostitsyn Borthers and Mikael Grabovski. Basically, each party is accusing the other of bitch talking in the Belarusian press. Since all three speak Belorussian, and 99.95% of the world doesn't speak it, or read it, and doesn't care to learn; nobody can read the articles, an know why they're all pissy. I however have a theory in light of recent events.

La Presse has recently uncovered that three Montreal Canadiens players, including the Kostitsyn brothers have been associated with a known criminal. This criminal is on tape having worked with the brothers in getting them booze, cars, in to clubs and paid for women. Article Here.

I think it boils down to this. The Kostitsyn brothers were upset at the quality of prostitute that their criminal friend had acquired for them the night previous, so they took it out on Grabovski. I can only assume that the two Kostitsyn brothers are looking for a kind of pro you can only find in a former-soviet colony, only a few hundred kilometers from Chernobyl. In other words, they're looking for loose teeth, and tight beards on their women. Grabovski, who also years for the gruff, chapped hand of a Belarusian lover, outed his Belarusian countrymen in the local papers, citing that they had lowered their standards and pay for the services of the svelte and moustache-free Montreal women of the night.

As you can see, this would cause quite the rift between the two parties.

I'm sure that in time these three Belarusian hockey "sensations" can set their differences aside with the assistance of some Prince Igor vodka, and an evening at a Brampton brothel*. In the meantime, I hope to never again see a "Wanted" poster with Grabovski's face on it, or hear a word about the Belarusian midget-crisis.

Seacrest - out!

*It's a well known fact that Brampton brothels house only the dirtiest and mangiest of all pay-for-pleasure women in Canada.

Blowed up real good!

2009-01-29T12:48:00.005-05:00

So, you might have read, or heard that Ottawa Senators owner (and unfortunately, owner of the Mississauga St. Michael's Majors hockey club) had some choice words for proponents of a Ottawa Senators rebuild. An article on his opinion can be found here (But don't read it yet). What I thought was particularly funny was one of his quotes:

"Anybody that says we should blow up this organization should get their own bomb and go blow themselves up, OK?"

Eugene's above quote reminded me of a sketch that use to run on SCTV, the Farm Film Report, where the Hosts (Candy and Flaherty) would ask their guests to get "Blow'd up Real Good!"

I think Eugene really misses SCTV, and wants to re-live those glory days by having his fan-base Blow them selves up Real Good!

Maybe it's just me, but telling your fans to blow yourselves up doesn't seem like a very wise PR choice. I also wonder why more people aren't spewing hate for him, as they are for Don Cherry, the CBC, and Mike Milbury. While Cherry and Milbury are under scrutiny for making up the word "Pansification", Eugene can tell people to blow themselves up, and remain unscrutinized.

I'm amazed at what seems to leave people unphased, while other things cause riots and hate.

On that note:

"May the Good Lord take a likin' to ya' and blow ya' up real soon!"

Mr. Lube.... You up before they throw sand in your ass

2009-01-19T08:04:00.005-05:00

This weekend ushered in the first oil change of 2009. Hooray for Marcy Darcy (That's my car's name).

I pulled in to Meineke (home of the $20 oil change) half an hour after they opened on Saturday, only to find they were booked up for the entire day. I found this odd, as every time I've ever tried to book an oil change with them, they stated that this location's policy was to never take appointments. it's first come, first serve. Since I was at the store early on Saturday, I thought I'd challenge the clerk to see if he'd take me in right away or allow me to make an appointment for earlier in the day. Here's how the conversation ran:

Stephen - Hi, I'm here to get an oil change.
Clerk - Sorry, we're booked for the day
S - You guys just opened. How can you be booked? I was told that you can't book an appointment here
C - Yes
S - Ok, so can I get my car serviced today?
C - Sorry, we're booked up for the day. Come back later.
S - Can I make an appointment for some time?
C - No, sorry, we don't take appointments.
S - So, how can you be booked for the day, if you don't take appointments?
C - Maybe come back later
S - When should I come back? you guys don't take appointments.
C - Do you want something for the weekend or the week?
S - Are we making an appointment?
C - No, we don't make appointments
S - So, why does it matter if I tell you when I'm coming in next?
C - Maybe make an appointment for sometime in the week

I decided that talking to this guy was like the snake that ate its tail- We're just going to go in circles. I left and decided to head to Mr. Lube. Sure, it's a little more, but the quality of service would be better.

I arrived at Mr. Lube to get the business done on my car. I was quickly ushered in Just in time too, as as soon as I pulled in a line of 3 cars formed behind me and the next bay. While the Lubers were disposing of the old oil and replenishing the car, I was approached by "The Hard Sell Man. Clearly, this guys job wasn't to put oil in the car as his hands were clean. He approached me with my old cabin air filter in hand, and asked me if I'd like it replaced. Normally, I replace my own cabin air filter, as it costs $20 from the store, and takes 5 minutes to complete; recently however, I haven't been able to find my model air filter in stock at any automotive store. I Asked Mr. Hard sell how much a replacement filter would be. He responded by saying, it was really cheap, so I said it would be fine for him to replace the filter, but to let me know the price before proceeding. He then said that my transmission fluid was dirty, and needed to be flushed. I told him I wasn't interested, as I could get my mechanic to do this for me. He continued to tell me that my car is in danger of failing due to the amount of shavings in my automatic transmission, and that the fluid needs to be changed regularly. Right then, I knew this guy was just full of crap. My car is a manual transmission. I told him I wasn't interested in anymore of his services. After an additional 2 minute lecture on transmission care, he finally left, only to return with the price of my cabin air filter. Hard Sell presented me with my old cabin filter and the new filter, and stated that the replacement and installation would be $100. Now, unless the mechanics are going to take the lady in the van next to me and perform a sex act on my hood while replacing the filter, there's no way I'm paying $100 to replace a $20 part. I stopped he guy and told him I wasn't interested as I normally change this part myself. Again, after a 2 minute lecture on the dangers of pollen creeping into my car through the vent, he sadly walked away, not making a single sale to me that day.

Revenge from the Lube people was swift. The oil change price jumped form $35 to $45 plus disposal and extra oil fees. My oil change came to $52. Almost double what I normally get charged at Meineke, and only $5 less than Ford's oil change.

The Lube Gods had defeated me that day. They were upset at the exchange I had with the Meineke people and felt that a Barrage of Mr. Lube Services and charges would weaken my will. in another 5,000 Kms, I will make my return to Meineke and hope to be in the good graces of the Lube gods.

Alexander Semin should stick to bitch talk

2009-01-06T08:29:00.004-05:00

So, if the NHL was the Justice League of America, and the Washington Capitals were the equivalent of Gotham, Alex Ovechkin would be Batman and Alexander Semin would be Robin. Semin would be the sidekick to a super Hero. Almost like the Mexican guy in employee of the month the the weird nostril-blond guy. What I'm trying to say is that Semin is a Sidekick.

That being said, Semin, as a sidekick shouldn't be calling out other SuperHeroes of the NHL. A couple of months ago, Semin decided to put down Crosby Article Here. Soon after Semin bich talked Sidney Crosby, Sid the Kid decided to do some trash talking of his own.... On the Scoreboard. Crosby went on a tear to eventually lead the league in Points (Crosby now sits in 3rd place, while Semin sits in 44th).

Now here's where the story get juicy. A few days ago, Sid decided he'd throw the fisticuffs and didn't look too bad if you ignore the fact that his opponent didn't even see it coming. Video evidence Here.

Semin, not wanting to be out done decided he'd thro some fisticuffs. Unfortunately, he forgot that he doesn't know how to fight and punches like a baby reaching for a baba. Video evidence here.

The moral of this story is that if you're a suck ass sidekick, you Better keep your mouth shut and do the joib you're paid to do. Anything above that will make you stink like an underwater fart bubble.

PS> Doesn't Alexander Semin sound like "I Like Sandier Semen?" Really, WHo likes Sandy Semen?

We're just Normal Aryans, trying to live a Culture-free Existence

2008-12-17T17:20:00.003-05:00

So, I came across this Gem of a news article. It appears that a Loving family of New Jersey Nazis are just looking for a fair shake in life.

You Gotta Be Kidding Me!

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20081217/ap_on_fe_st/odd_hitler_cake

Who are these people, and why are they trying to play the Sympathy card here. So, the family was denied the services of Nazi cake decorating, and are looking for support. If it were me, I'd decoare their cake with some man-goo and fill it with a steaming pile of goat shit.

Happy Halloween from China! You may already be eating Malamine

2008-10-31T11:45:00.003-04:00

I don't know. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm a bit of a stickler for my health, but why aren't more people concerned with the fact that Malamine could have been added to any number of Chinese products. IT was recently found that Malamine was added to livestock feed to augment the appearance of protein in feed. Am I one of the few who believe this is a bigger deal than Tin Fey's impersonation of Sarah Palin?

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/7701477.stm

I'm not saying that we should ban all products coming in from China, but we really should put more stock in inspecting the items we do import from China. Over the past couple of years, we've uncovered tainted pet treats, lead based pain in toys, lead found in "lead-free" jewellery, malamine in our food, and now maline found in our food's food. All these issues have stemmed from one country. When Canada was found to have had a cow infected with mad cow disease, countless countries banned our meat.

As I said, I think banning all items from china would be a knee jerk reaction, but someone needs to step in to ensure that the products we're importing into canada follow the same safetly and health regulations we're accustom to here.

Other interesting reads:
http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/local/385187_toys28.html

http://www.bernama.com/bernama/v5/newsindex.php?id=368429

Wal Mart Might be doing something about it:
http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5jP0C1Aoi0pUm3LIAfqDoB4Dpi8BwD93VJTQ00

When in trouble, start pointing fingers:
http://www.upi.com/Top_News/2008/10/31/China_says_chemicals_in_Japanese_food/UPI-24411225431498/

In Malta

2008-09-29T02:54:00.003-04:00

I thought I'd update my friends on my current exciting Adventure! I am off for a few weeks in Malta, then for a couple of days in Paris!

Flying is always a bit of a challenge for me, as I tend to suffer from motion sickness. To treat my motion sickness, I take 2 Gravol tablets. Unfortunately, Gravol tends to knock me out. Mix that with the adjusted cabin pressure and I'm out like a light. Even when I take the non-drowsy version, I still go lights-out for the next few hours. Any attempt at staying awake only causes me to go into a deep trance-like sleep early on in the evening.

My Saturday flight was no different from the rest. I took my Gravol pills an hour before my flight as I usually do, and got ready to board the plane. I was pleasantly surprised to find that the clerk at the check-in counter gave me a window seat in the exit aisle. The extra leg room afforded for passengers in the exit aisle is a special treat for me. The Gravol tends to give me the jimmy legs, and I frequently deboard the train with bruised shins, caused by mt spastic leg movements as I sleep. Another pleasant surprise was the nice french couple sitting beside me. They reminded me of skinny versions of Danny DeVito and Reah Pearlman, if only Reah Pearlman had a horrible bout of halitosis. Aside from the issue that Reah would frequently talk in my direction, spewing halitosis gas in my vicinity and in turn waking me from my flight slumber, it wasn't too bad. Although this flight to Europe was longer than I was use to, it wasn't too bad. I was probably awake for a total of 2.5 hours. 1.5 hours to watch Indiana Jones, 0.5 hours to eat my meal, and 10 x 3 minute mini wake ups due to the yellow fog emanating from my row-mate.

From that point on, the transit between France and Malta was uneventful, which from a guy who frequently profiled when travelling, is quite pleasant. In past travelling adventures, I've been asked to strip to my underwear, asked to go through the explosives detection machine twice in one security check, had my car taken apart twice and have been pulled aside by security and searched while waiting for my plane to arrive in the post-security section of an airport. All in all, having an uneventful transit to Malta is good news for me.

Today, I'm going to head down to the beach and relax

Schools aren't held accountable

2008-09-26T10:56:00.002-04:00

You may have read, or watched on the news that a London boy was punched in the head by another student. As recounted by the victim's parents, the School didn't take the head-injury seriously. The battered student was asked to sit for 30 minutes before being examined by the principle. Even as the child asked to go hom, he was made to sit and wait for the principal.

Story here: London Free Press

It turned out that the victim had a fractured skull and brain damage as a result of the incident.

This issue resonates with me, as I too had a head-trauma issue when I was in elementary school, and neither the teacher nor the principal took my issue seriously enough to call an ambulance.

My story begins with a 6 year old Stephen walking across the monkey bars in the school playground. I thought it would be fun if I were to climb up top of the monkey bars and walk across them instead of hanging from them like a normal monkey child. As the recess bell rang, I started my decent from the bars, in anticipation of the post-recess class room line-up and head-count. Unfortunately, I was jarred on my way down the monkey bars, striking my forehead on one bar and the rear of my head on the other. As I fell to the ground, unconscious. I don't know how long I was outside, but I do recall a couple of classmates, lifting me up to carry me to class. Upon my arrival, my Grade 1 teacher promptly yelled at me for missing the recess bell. I was made to sit on the carpet away from my friends. My teacher, Ms. Divincenzo didn't bother to ask me where I was after the recess bell. She just assumed that I was tardy because I as playing. The funny thing is that my class at the time had a direct window to the playground. Had she looked out the window, she would have seen my laying in the sand. Instead, she yelled at me an assumed that I was just being a bad kid. As I sat on the carpet, and made to feel guilty for injuring myself, I began to experience some discomfort, that soon resulted in projectile vomit being spewed on to the Brown, Yellow and Orange shag carpet. From that point on, I don't remembe much. I only recall my parents being arriving at the school office and my father yelling at Mr.Brian, the principal at the time. My father was quite upset. He must have travelled from Downtown toronto Station A (Now the Air Canda Centre) to come collect me, a drivethat would normally take at least 30 minutes.

Luckily, in the end, I was merely concussed and without serious harm. My issue with all this is that any issue that involves a developing child's brain sholuld be take extremely seriously. The longer you wait, the more damadge could be done. My story could have turned out worse. If I had severe brain traume, and were to wait over 30 minutes before being taken to the hospital, the end result could have been far more grim.

My ask is that people responsible for our children should take these typs of injuries far more seriously.

Under Armour - The official clothing of Vigilante Drug Ninjas Everywhere!

2008-08-22T09:52:00.004-04:00

If you haven't heard, a couple of NJ Ninjas were arrested last night.

Story Here: http://www.northjersey.com/news/Cops_nab_Ninga_vigilantes_.html

If you notice in the photo, both Ninjas are wearing Black, Skin-tight Shirts. One Vigilante -Super Hero Ninja was wearing an Under Armour crested shirt, while the other is obviously wearing an Under Armour jock, as that could be the only reason for the expression on his face.

If I were ever asked to define the word BADASS, I believe all I'd have to do is pull the photo of these two ninjas out and say "BADASS enough for ya, Chuck Norris?"

The thing that amuses me the most is that they dropped a letter off to the guy's Ex-Girlfriend. Really, these guys seemed as hardcore as a roll of toilet paper. The first letter they drop off is a hate letter with a request to stop taking drugs mixed in. ''

I once dropped off a letter to an Ex Girlfriend, it read "Hey, I thought we were going to Bone tonight. You Suck. Have a good life with the Balding Guy. --Ninja Steve"

Honk if you're Horny!

2008-06-16T22:31:00.003-04:00

Yeah, so Every couple of years, those of us in Streetsville are serenaded by the sounds of import car horns. Oh, the beautiful sounds of high-toned horns honking endlessly through the streets is like music to my ears. The two nations that show the most horn honking aptitude are Portugal and Croatia.

I would like to take some time to thank said decedents for keeping me abreast of the Euro Cup tournament results. Normally, I wouldn't follow the Euro Cup, but my Croatian and Portuguese friends keep me abreast of their wins through honking parades and public drunkenness.

The Police on the other hand are ding an exceptional job in handling the noise pollution. Throughout the night, as the fanfare continues, and the horn honking cuts through the silence, the Police quell the honking by blaring their siren over top of the honking. If you can't imagine the audio battle between horns and sirens, I don't wish that upon you. If the Police were at all concerned, they'd give out tickets. I can see them giving out warnings until midnight, but as soon as the Horns go past 3:00am, the tickets should be out. Hell, I've been given a ticket for parking in a no-parking zone one minute after the pre-determined parking times. If I was honking my horn 4 hours after the pre-designated quiet time, I'd be surprised if I didn't get a ticket.

Tonight, the battle of the Horns continues. Croatia won a Game that brings them to the Quarter finals, while the Portugese fans are honking to assert their Honk Dominance.

I can only wish that both countries are bumped out of the tournament sooner than later. I'm sure the fans won't smarten up and realize that hinking in a residental zone isn't a cool thing to do.

R Kelly is a Free Pedophile

2008-06-16T21:52:00.003-04:00

So, you May or May have not heard that R. Kelly has gotten off on his most recent Pedophilia charges.

If You didn't Know, Her's the Rundown. He was videotaped with a 13 year old girl. When caught his defense changed from "It Wasn't Me" to "I was me, but she was of age" to "It Wasn't me, it was my brother" finally to "It wasn't me, it was an elaborate set-up with a Look alike, body double (including mole on my back), an exact duplicate of my room, and someone had to have hidden the tapes in my house"

Unfortunately, the parents of the minor dropped the charges and settled out of court before the hearing was judged in court.

Recently, R. Kelly was brought up on even more exploitation of a youth charges. To bring you up to speed. R. Kelly Married Aaliyah when she was 15, only after dating her for a few years. A few years ago Aaliyah perished in an airplane accident. More recently, R. Kelly was brought up on charges. The evidence against him was : Photographs, Multiple video tapes and victim testimony.

Across a few weeks, the district attorney sweet talked the jury with evidence, factual photographs and victim testimony. The defense opted to take the high road and disputed the evidence by stating the possibility that all the evidence was tampered with and was fabricated. The District Attorney's office submitted victim testimonials and proved out that R. Kelly brought photos/video footage with him in a knapsack to various parties to show off his exploits. Although the DA managed to produce Multiple victim and witness testimonies, the Jury wasn't convinced.

The Jury felt that although the victims were probably underage, there was no way of proving out the dates of the films/photographs. Seeing as how witnesses testified to the dates of the videos, the Jury overlooked that evidenced and felt that R. Kelly should be a free man.

Now, I'm pretty repulsed by this. Who in their right mind would let R. Kelly free? Maybe they needed more concrete evidence? You know what might have helped? Maybe they needed video? Nah, How about Witness testimony? Nah, Maybe photographs with his Grammy awards in them? Either way, it proves that Celebrities live by different rules and the grand public lets them.

I'm horrified

Goodbye Monkey Boy

2008-06-02T13:53:00.006-04:00

My Dog passed away this morning. 4:00am. I knew this day would come sooner or later, but it was still a shock. In November, he would have turned 12 years old (people years, because really, what the hell are dog years anyways?). I couldn’t have asked for a better dog while growing up. He was attentive, intelligent and affectionate, not to mention a great protector.

We came upon Taylor accidentally. Growing up, my parents didn’t want a dog. Reasonably, they felt that having a dog would limit our vacation choices, and would be a lot of work to keep. Most people don’t want to look after your dog as you go on a month-long trip through Europe. We vicariously owned dogs through our grandparents (Killer) and Neighbour (Smokey). We even bough a couple of Guinea Pigs to keep as pets (Chip + Thumper lead to Gizmo and Dale). At the age of 18, I started looking to buy fish to fill an aquarium left in the basement by my sister. I soon realized that fish sucked and I’d be elbow deep in Fish poop, weekly, as I cleaned the aquarium. My interests turned to Geckos. I searched a few pet shops but couldn’t find any Gecko I liked. I soon realized that I didn’t want a fish or a Gecko. I wanted a dog. My Dad clued in on it sooner than I had. While at PetSmart, searching for a Geko, my dad turned to me and said “You don’t want a lizard do you.” I confessed that I wanted a dog, and terminated the Gecko hunt. As it just so happened, one of my dad’s co-workers had a litter of Black Lab/Shepherd puppies. We all approached my mom and told her we were ready to buy a dog. She too was willing to get a dog now that we were all older. Mom had only one stipulation. The stipulation being that we had to get a small to medium sized dog. She didn’t want an overwhelming dog in the house. Big dogs also tend to shed a lot more. Seeing as Lab/Shep puppies will grow to be a fairly large sized dog, the litter was left out of the selection process. As a family, we decided that the dog we get has to be unanimously approved by the family, and that we were to adopt a dog from a shelter. My dad did most of the leg work, visiting shelters on his lunch breaks, and taking us over when he found one that he thought we’d all like. Unfortunately, this process was long and drawn out. We couldn’t all agree on a dog we liked. As our search continued, the litter of Lab/Shep puppies, up for adoption by my dad’s co-worker were being scooped up. By mid-December, the Lab/Shep puppies had all been spoken for, and our search for a new dog was fruitless. Things weren’t looking good on the adoption-front until my dad found out one of the Lab/Shep puppies was back up for adoption. The original owner had to back out. Seeing his opening for adoption, my dad put together a plan that would us our very own Lab/Shep puppy. He brought home one of the litter Lab pup photos to show my mom. The studio dog photo had a barely 8 week old Lab pup sitting in front of a winter landscape, as the puppy adorned reindeer antlers. This photo was equivalent to the family Christmas portrait. One look at the photo and my mom had to have a lab puppy of her own. The next day, my dad brought home Taylor.

One of my favourite memories of Taylor was how he would wait up for me as I came home late from the bar. All throughout college and a few years later, Taylor would sleep at the top of the stairs, waiting for me to come home from the bar. As I unlocked the door each of those times, and stepped in at some early morning hour, he wouldn’t bark, as he normally would, should anyone enter the house. Taylor would lie on his side, without a moan or a bark; he’d wag his tail as I climbed the steps to my room. The wagging of his tail sounded like the quick whipping of a muted drum. As I went to bed and closed my door, Taylor, now satisfied that I made it home, would proceed back into my parents’ room and climb into their bed for the remainder of the morning.

I have plenty more Taylor stories I could tell. He was a great dog with a wise and compassionate character. He left us as I remember him, wagging his tail a he passed away.

Wasabi Tuna Recipe

2008-05-17T11:51:00.003-04:00

I thought I'd throw down a recipe I came up with. As some of you may know, I really love to grill. This recipe I came up makes use of the grill.

You'll need:

4 Tbs - Teriyaki sauce (Kikkoman is my fav)
2 Tbs - Soy Sauce (Kikkoman once again)
2 cubes - Crushed Frozen ginger
3/4 Tsp - prepared Wasabi
1 Tsp - Sesame oil
2 - Tuna Steaks (Thawed if bought frozen)
1/2 Tsp - Coarse crushed pepper
4 Tbs - Sesame seeds

Preparation Instructions:

Combine the Teriyaki sauce, Soy sauce, Ginger, Wasabi, Sesame oil, and pepper in a shallow marinating bowl.
Let the ingredients to set and mingle for 5 minutes.
Preheat the Grill to Medium-High heat.
Place the Tuna steaks in to the marinade, flip after 2 minutes of marinading. The Tuna absorbs flavor really quickly so you don't have to marinade for very long.
Once you've marinated the steaks, and the grill is at the proper temperature, coat the steaks in Sesame seeds.
Place the steaks on the grill at 4 minutes per side (medium cooked steaks).
Flip the steaks only once, being sure not to lose too many sesame seeds.

This recipe works well pan seared with other fish. I've tried it with tilapia and Mahi Mahi.

Crap I found on eBay

2008-05-04T11:44:00.004-04:00

Seeing as how it's May, the sun is out and perfect Garage Sale weather, I decided to brows the world's largest garage sale for some of the more ridiculous items on sale this week. In no specific order here They Are:

#1 - World's Largest Untreated Sapphire
Yes for only pocket change, you can purchase this "Museum Grade" Gemstone. The price tage is a mere $1.5 Million. Nothing says "High Class Trailer Park" like a giant useless gem. You'd think the Seller "browny55" would be selling petrified animal dung instead of priceless giant gemstones.

#2 - Fetus Chips
This item, listed as an Alien-Fetus Chip looks more like Quatto from Total Recall. Maybe it's just me, but if there's something that looks like this growing inside you, please get it checked out.

#3 - Fried Penis
Mental note, Never go to Frumby Joe's in Johannesburg Missouri. It appears that the line cooks are castrating themselves, frying up the junk and selling it off as cauliflower. IT kind of freaks me out that they call it "Manhood". I think they'd have gotten more than 2 hits in a week if they called it Dude Sausage, tube steak, wang, tally whacker, pecker, dork, or any of the other countless names for a penis.

#4 - Online Spells at 10% off!
Brace yourself! You too can cast spells to shine like a star. But wait, there's more if you order TODAY only, we'll discount the price by 10%. Not satisfied? Check out their 100% feedback rating. Still not convinced? If you're not completely satisfied by the spell, you're guaranteed your money back! Buy this Magic Haunted Super Stone and you'll Shine like a star. If I were the Government, I would think that selling stones that make you Glow would be against the Law. The only stones I know of that can make you glow (With a side effect of burning urination), is Plutonium. Could it be that eBay is the new black market for radioactive plutonium?

#5 - Mormon advice - Red this lady's issues
I was at home the other day and thought to myself "Hey, Wouldn't it be great if there were someone I could call for Mormonly advice?" My Prayers were answered this morning. I found an unaccredited Mormon advice service through eBay. Take That Jo Jo's Defunkt Psychial Alliance! A few questions come to mind. 1) Why can't you just ask your mormon priest for advice? 2) Why is there a child with sunglasses as the listing photo? 3) How can you be a recovering Porn Addict, and not know if you're clean? Is there a healthy amount of porn? Actually, is there an unhealthy amount of porn? 4) Lady Kataana sounds like a wicked Porn name. I'm writing a porn about a poly amourous mother of 2 who needs to overcome her additions to smoking porn and stiff Manhoods. Are you looking for a job?

#6 - Dork Dominance Cock Pump
Have you ever felt like your manhood isn't long and skinny enough? Me too. Well, I came across this Gem and would be crazy not to buy it for the bargain basement price of $170. No longer will I be looked down upon in the shower. I will soon be able to hold my head up high through the excruciating pain of having my shaft pulled clear from the shaft socket. I had braces for 4 years, and if this schlong stretcher (which works on the same principles) is anything like my braces, I pity the man who buys this. Medical note: Do not mix this device with 4X Male Enhancement pills. You're liable to snap the brace off and seriously injure bystanders with penis enhancing shrapnel.

Why don't you Smoke the Cheese off my Dick?

2008-03-29T08:40:00.005-04:00

I'd like to preface this rant by saying that it is in no way directed at my friends or acquaintances who smoke. Every time I've ever seen them lite up, it was always in the designated puff zones. That being said. This message is directed to those people who choose to ignore the designated smoking areas.

I am an asthmatic and have recently had some minor breathing complications. I don't blame smoking or smokers for this, but their presences does not aid my situation. When designated smoking areas and new smoking rules were heightened a few years back, I was extremely pleased. No longer would I have to come home smelling like smoke when I left a Bar. No longe would I have to walk through a cloud of smoke as I walked into school or the mall.

Unfortunately, many people believe these rules are a nuisance and a hindrance to their personal liberties, and freedom to smoke. These smoking bylaws were created to protect people who do not smoke, do not like smoke, are allergic to smoke or may have health conditions that are exasperated by smoke. It's too bad that the few ignorant smokers who do not obey the signs and rules infringe upon the space of others.

Thursday (unlike most days of the week), I had the pleasure of walking through a wall of smoke as I entered my office building. Although the property management has clearly posted signs noting the designated and prohibited smoking areas, some smokers feel they can ignore the rules and light-up anywhere they please. I don't understand why this type of behavior is tolerated.

A few years ago, I was a patron at a Night club, where the DJ and management decided to announce that the Smoking By-Law would not be enforced at their establishment. As soon as the announcement was made, hundreds of Club patrons lit up and filled the Club with smoke. Since I couldn't handle the reek of smoke, I decided to leave. Before I left, I spoke with the on-site manager and asked for a coat check refund and a cover-charge refund. The manager declined, and I left the Bar. The following day, I called the region of Peel's Smoking Task Force and lodged a formal complaint. One week later, I was called by the city representative to inform me that they had conducted an under cover investigation and found the Club to be in contradiction of the region's smoking By-Laws. Victory was mine and I was sure that my concerned citizen approach would have resulted in a financial penalty to the Evil Club. Much to my surprise, the city representative informed me that although the rules were being broken and the management and staff were doing nothing to enforce the by-law, the city chose to let them off with a warning as there wasn't enough rules being broken. To me it appears that the city's bark is bigger than its bite. I guess the next time I feel like breaking the law, I should only break a few and I'll get off with a warning instead of being charged.

Getting back to the earlier story of me walking through the wall of smoke at my office, I have very little motivation to contact the building management when smoking by-laws are being broken. Instead, I will take the fight fire with fire method. I know that there's designated washrooms, but I could choose to ignore them. If I whipped it out and started pissing at the entrance of my office, I am sure someone would call the police. So why is it that we tolerate smokers who smoke in designated non-smoking areas? What's the worst my public urination would do? Maybe if it's cold, my pee would freeze and someone may slip on it. The frozen pee scenario is quite a long shot, while the negative affects of second hand smoke are proven.

Now, I assure you that I do not plan on dropping trow and peeing, or dropping a deuce out front of my office entrance. I just want people to recognize how smoking is tolerated more-so than most other social faux-pas.

Trust me, I'm not Crazy!

2008-01-22T17:08:00.001-05:00

The Caption Under this photo should read "I'm Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs" Or, "He's Hibbity with the Flip Flop" Yes, Leaf Fans, This Derranged looking Geriatric is the Interim GM of the Toronto Maple Leafs.

Who'd have thunk that 4.5 years of me complaining about JFJ would yield this. Dr. Demento is the GM for the remainder of the season. I suspect that upon season completion, the Leafs will sign Scotty Bowman as their Director of Hockey operations with a Colangelo-esque deal, while maintaining Fletch as a consultant for an additional year or so.

Hopefully, Fletch here produces some action instead of sitting on his hands and watching the trade deadline pass us by as his predecessor did. Don't get me wrong. JFJ tried to wheel some deals but instead he landed Yawning Yannick Perrault, The Fruitless Ronny Francis and the Lowly Brian Leetch at the trade deadlines at the cost of draft picks. Each of his acquisitions did nothing to add to the current talent pool. Fletcher is known for his high risk trades and big player moves. I'd like Fletch to work some magic and trade Blake & Raycroft for a gallon of Thoroughbred stud juice. Even that might be a long shot. In all honesty, Fletcher is here to try and trade out some role players, veterans and some of their 3rd line players for useable draft picks or up and comers. Aside from that, he's just going to tread water. I can only assume that the Leafs will have a new GM in place well before the draft to ensure that the team pick based on direction and need.

If I were Cliff Fletcher, I'd pull the tank Job a-la Senators/Capitals/Penguins & try and secure myself a 25% chance in the Stamkos lottery. Look where the Sens are. They tanked for 6 straight years (Ultimately leading to a lottery draft system), and now they have 6 Top 5 drafts on their roster, and are competing for 2nd place overall. The Penguins have two of the bet players in the league, and the Caps are putting together a pretty impressive offense around Ovechkin.

On that Note, Enjoy this and many more blog entries.

Feel free to add your own captions to Fletcher's deranged googlie eyes photo.

Ladies - Stress out on Testicles

2007-12-31T14:36:00.000-05:00

Yeah, You heard me! Lucky ladies everywhere are getting into the shrimping business. If you don't know what shrimping is, please look it up! For only $5.56 USD you too can practice shrimping at home without a guy. Deal Extreme now has a handy Testicle shaped stress reliever. http://www.dealextreme.com/details.dx/sku.10546

The two things I find most interesting about this item is A) It's listed under "Hard to find Gadgets" B) The wang is super tiny. I don't know if the Wang is that tiny as a joke or it has to do with the anatomy of the creator. If you look through the other photos of the item, you'll see that not only does this set of testicles have an itsy bitsy wang, but it also has gills. This is the first pair of amphibian testicles in the world. Is it possible that Mer-Man from He-Man dedicated had his balls casted and made into a stress reliever for women?

PS> Not to be outdone, the men have a Giant boobie stress reliever! I ♥ Boobies As you can see - The lady model loves boobies too!
http://www.dealextreme.com/details.dx/sku.10544

Fruit of the Loom

2007-12-15T13:01:00.000-05:00

As a child, I always remembered there being four fruit of the loom characters. Apple Guy, Green Grape guy and Purple Grape guy, and someone else. I recently saw a fruit of the loom commercial, and noticed that the fourth fruit of the loom guy was a brown lumpy turd looking guy. What kind of fruit is this guy. I did a bit of research and found that the fourth guy is not a whack of used toilet paper stuck together. The fourth guy is actually a bunch of leaves. Now, maybe it's just me, but I don't think a bunch of leaves constitutes a fruit or a loom. Where the hell did they come up with this guy? They didn't want to make Orange Guy? Maybe it was too tough to find a third colour of grapes?

I would like to suggest they replace compost leaves guy with Banana guy. Who wouldn't want to walk around in a pair of tighty whities boasting a banana?

I say they replace Leaf guy with this banana guy!

Or maybe replace the whole fruit dress up theme and have a bunch of overweight men wearing unitards! Hot!

The Tips Just don't cut it, I'm going to hock used coats

2007-12-01T12:47:00.000-05:00

So, I had the pleasure of heading out to Dragonfly Night Club yesterday. If you haven't been, you should go. it's not all that bad. Crazy drunk tourists and lots of short people. I felt like a giant. They weren't as short at the people in the Maltese clubs, but still short none the less. Pace Ville Represent! In addition to a good time at the Club, my good friend and fishing buddy Kenny was there.

At the end of the night, we said our goodbyes, finished our bevies and headed to the coat check. As we handed in our tickets, I noticed something wasn't right. I didn't receive my jacket. Now, you might have though I'd be worried that the Coat check girls were obviously drunk, or the fact that the coat check girl had made three trips to the back with a confused look on her face. I really wasn't. What worried me was that the drunk coat check supervisor started saying telling me that I should have memorized my coat check ticket number. Who the hell does she think I am? The Amazing Kreskin? Rain Man? What person in the world memorizes their coat check ticket? She then said that it was possible that they put my coat on the counter and someone took it accidentally. I assured her this wasn't the case. I gave a description of my Clark Grizwold parka, and within seconds the drunkie coat check girl brought out my coat.

In the end I got my coat, but what bugged me was that the coat check supervisor assumed it was my fault that I didn't have my coat. She blamed me for not giving a ticket, then said it was taken by another patron, then told me it was my responsibility to have memorized the number on the coat check ticket. She placed all the blame on me without once going to the back and looking to see if my coat was there. Now, maybe I'm expecting too much from a coat check clerk, although really, their only role there is to make sure the coat gets checked in and then gets checked out.

I've Been Frauded - My Bank Blows Donkey Balls!

2007-11-26T17:49:00.001-05:00

So I just got off the phone with my Bank (Understand how much I love Banks).

I was informed that my Debit Card was comprised and disabled to protect me. This wasn't a shock to me as I've had my debit and credit card accounts compromised 6 times in the past 5 years. Gary informed me that my card was used at a location with an employee suspected of defrauding cards, who could have had access to my number or who had tried frauding my card number directly.

My issue isn't with the method of protection, or the fact that it took them 2 days to call me after disabling my account. My issue deals with the banks protection of the fraud artists. I asked Gary if he could let me know what store was the store in question of defrauding my account. His response was "It's not the store that tried to fraud your card, it's the employee". Why oh why does the store get off so easily?? Shouldn't the responsibility lie with the store to find honest employees? Obviously, I'm not at fault, nor is the bank. The store should take some responsibility in hiring honest, law abiding employees before allowing them access to personal financial information.

The past 4 times my account was compromised, it was done at Gas Stations. I will take a wild guess and point the blame at some jerk-ass gas station employee. I guess the only way around this would be to only use cash at Gas Stations.

Sweet Deals ond Shit-ass Electronics!

2007-11-10T11:38:00.002-05:00

Yes folks! You heard it here first!

I'm willing to sell you Shit ass electronics if you're willing to part with $160.

The other day a friend of mine and I were approached in a parking lot by a dude in a van looking to offload some ultra-premium HiFi systems. Now, You're probably asking yourself "Who uses the term HiFi Systems". Well, the answer is me!

This Dude pulls up in a 1985 Dodge Caravan and explains that he's a delivery guy who is looking to offload some extra stereo equipment. Now I'm not really in the market for a stereo system, but My DVD player (PS2) recently broke, and by broke I mean I tried hot wiring it so it could play import video games and pirate movies. So, this champ slides open his caravan door to show me some still-boxed Genesis Media Labs stereo systems. HE explains that they're top of the line and worth thousands. Since I've never heard of Genesis Media Labs, I would assume they're on par with Wal-Mart's Colby brand or Radio Shack's Realistik brand. The "Delivery boy" then proceeds to pull out an ultra high gloss "Hi Def Authority" magazine. He immediately opens the page to a photo if the Genesis Media Labs Ultra-Gizmo 6000 with a MSRP sticker of $5,999.99. HE says he'd be willing to part with his Gizmo-doodad for the ultra low cost of $400. Sounds like a whopper of a deal to me. Unfortunately, my bullshit detector kicks in. I quickly question myself:
#1 - What's a delivery boy doing with a Stereo magazine?
#2 - What the hell brand is Genesis Media Labs?
#3 - How low can I go?

So, I tell the guy that although I appreciate his offer, I'm not interested in paying that much for a no-name stereo system. That was the wrong move. He proceeded to tell me how good the system was and pointed out a write-up in "Hi Def Authority" magazine that listed this system's superior audio quality. Since I was obviously not interested in anything he was selling, he decided to show me a slightly cheaper system. Again, he slapped open this mysterious Genesis love magazine and showed me that this lesser system was still worth $4G. He said he'd do me a favour and sell it to me for $300. Again, I told him I wasn't interested, as I wasn't in the stereo market. I'm just trying to get out of this conversation while he's taking it as me bing a shrewd negotiator. I felt like the father from "A Christmas Story" trying to haggle over the price of a beat-up Christmas tree. He then asks me how much I was willing to spend. I take a moment to pause and think about my stereo needs at home:
#1 - My DVD player is toast
#2 - My stereo system remote doesn't work
#3 - If nothing else I could sell either my stuff or this crap on ebay for $100 easily.
I tell him that I don't have any money and any offer I propose to him would be a slap in the face. He wants to know what number I'm thinking of. So I tell him that I'm willing to part with $100 for this $4G system. He ponders, and counter offers with $200. For me, $200 is steep for the Genesis System of unknown. I Thanked him for his time and let him know I wasn't interested. In a last ditch effort to pawn off his wares, he offers to take $160. I decline and he moves on to the next customer. For me, I'd rather kick myself at passing up a good deal than kicking myself for buying utter crap.

Luckily I did a bit of research on this Genesis Media Labs. As it turns out, my suspicions were correct. The brand is crappier than baby's diaper.

Countless people have been duped into buying this stereo system that seems to be put together with used umbilical cords and tin cans.

I searched online and found a lot of unhappy customers. I'd like to take a moment to thank my parents. My Dad always says "If it's too good to be true, it probably is"

So, To celebrate my dad's birthday I'd like to thank him.

Here's a ling with some dude who got duped. He spent $450 for the system I could have gotten for $160. Now aside from the fact that the guy who got duped was a real estate agent and should be a better negotiator than me, this just proves that anyone can be taken in.

I'll pass this information on to my friends. Guys - Beware the Genesis Media Labs scam.

PS> people are selling this jazz on eBay and allover the net. Beware

Why people hate you

2007-10-15T18:54:00.000-04:00

Why people hate you!

I’ve amassed a collection of reasons why people the certain things in life.

Dealership Mechanics:
Because they’re a Rip-off, and they don’t know what they’re doing. I recently went to ford to get my high-level service-3 maintenance done on my car. The dealership was looking to charge me to replace my fuel filter (which had been replaced in previous service 3 months ago). Fuel filters should be replaced every two years on my type of automobile. The dealership was going to charge me to remove my wheels twice. 1) $90 to remove my tires, and inspect the brakes, 2) $75 to once again remove the tires and rotate them. Now wouldn’t it make more sense to remove the tires once instead of removing them to check the brakes, then re-attaching them, only to re-remove them and rotate the tires? All in all, my dealership tried to scam me out of $245 in parts and labour above and beyond what was actually required. Aside from that I'm happy with Ford service. Ever wonder why you have problems keeping customers?

The City of Toronto:
Parking! Getting in to Toronto from the burbs is next to impossible unless you use a car. The problem is that once you get into the city, a lot of places don’t have enough parking. I recently parked in Toronto and got a ticket at 12:01 in the dot. The exact time parking was prohibited. This leads me to believe the parking attendant sat beside my car and waited for the stroke of midnight before he wrote his ticket. Parking in Toronto is the biggest scam out there. Not only is there a severe lack of parking, but when you do find parking the prices are through the roof. I can’t justify paying more money per hour for a parking spot than the attendant makes an hour. How bad must the attendant feel that he’s getting less money per hour than the spots he’s renting?

Family Day:
What a dirty holiday. IT was used as leverage to buy an election, and holds no weight as a valid holiday. Why not make Remembrance day a holiday? There’s a worthwhile cause! Why not give the masses a day off to recognize the sacrifices made by our war veterans? Why not set the holiday in the summer? Really, do we need a holiday in February? It’s true that we don’t have any holidays in February, but we do have Snow days & sick days. Kids across canada go to bed in February, praying to god that tomorrow will be a snow day. I can assure you not one kid has ever said " Please god, I pry that you'll make Feb 12 Family day"

10 items or less line:
Where are the 11+ item police when you need them? If someone puts more than 10 items on the conveyer of the 10 items or less line, it should be up to the cashier to turn them away. Unfortunately, Cashiers never turn them away. When one such inconsiderate customer puts 11+ items in an 10 and under line, I will do one of the two following things: 1) (If they're smaller than me) I'll say "Excuse me, did you realize you're in the 10 items or less line? The penalty for going over is buying me a box of Nerds." 2) (If they're bigger than me) That evening I go home and pray they develop a parasite that eats away at their urethra.

Bathroom Attendants:
I don’t want to pay you to hand me soap/towels/or CK one designer impostor cologne. 'nuff said.

You complicate me - Thanks Facebook

2007-10-01T17:59:00.001-04:00

I have to comment on the "complicated" relationship status on Facebook.

Imagine watching Jerry McGuire and instead of hearing Tom Cruise say "You complicate me". Not so glamorous eh? Well, that's how I think of the "Complicated" status. What is "Complicated"? Is it half way between committed and dating? To me being in a relationship is like being half pregnant. You either are or aren't.

I just thought I'd throw it out there. I'm puzzled by the complicated status.

Hits are hits are hits - Keep your head up McAmmond!

2007-09-28T09:11:00.000-04:00

Ok, Now I know I'm going to get blasted by some Sens fans for this but really, what else should I expect.

The Hit from Steve Downie on Dean McAmmond although it was a charging penalty, it should be nothing more.

Yes, it looked bad in the replay. Yes he did leave his feet AFTER the hit. Yes, it was unneeded. Here's my take on it.

If we can recall a hit that Chris Neil laid on Chris Drury last Feb. Neil threw a late hit on Drury. The hit was a shoulder to face hit, with the EXACT same time between pass and hit as the Dean McAmmond hit. The only differnce is that Drury didn't jump after the hit. IF you've forgot it. I'll embed it here:

Ok, now let's review the Steve Downie hit on McAmmond.

Now I'm just being fair here. But really. He shouldn't have admired his pass. Sundin get toasted like that every time he swoops around the net. He's learned to keep his head up. The injury to the player shouldn't dictate the severity of the punishment either. If you watch the full clip. there's about 4 Sens players who fall on McAmmond after he's on the ice. I'm sure that didn't help anything.

Bob McKenzie agrees with me too.
http://www.tsn.ca/blogs/mckenzie/?id=219220

Leafs New Jersey - Players Same old hair

2007-09-12T16:25:00.000-04:00

Well, Attached is a photo of the new Leafs Jersey.

Thanks to Reebok for buying out the League and creating the "Cooperalls" of hockey Jersey's.

These Jersey's look horrid. They lack the band around the bottom of the jersey. So, why is the band missing? Well The RBK Edge Jerseys are intended to be tucked in.
I'm sure this will look awesome. The only person I know who tucks in his sweaters is Steve Erkle.

They Commish of the NHL, Bettman, said the Tight-fit Jerseys will appeal to a broader audience. Translation: Chicks dig it. His idea is that women will swoon over the players in their jerseys as they do with soccer players and basketball players. Hey Bettman, did you forget the players wear pads??

Hooray for Bettman and his brilliant ideas.

PS> Thanks for combing your hair TUCKS. Did you forget you'd be on TV today? It looks like Arnold and Danny DeVito from Twins in this photo.

Ray Emery Can’t Drive!

2007-09-08T08:45:00.000-04:00

In less than 4 months, Ray Emery has gotten into two automobile altercations for cutting off other drivers.

Now, today’s topic marries some of my favourite things: Sports, Driving, and Gossip, so I found it difficult to not make a comment.

There’s really nothing too special about this issue. What I’m amazed with is the fan/opponent reaction.

Recently, Ray Emery had a road altercation with an elderly driver where he drove the driver off the road and threatened bodily harm. The Ottawa police are not charging him for this incident. http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/LAC.20070908.SENS08/TPStory/Sports

Now, from this article, it seems as if neither party was at fault, however Ray Emery intentionally drove a fellow motorist off the road in order to make them aware of their driving faux-pas. What’s more is that Ray verbally assaulted the elderly motorist and threatened bodily harm.

Maybe I’m naïve, but I would think that forcing another motorist off the road, then verbally assaulting and threatening bodily harm to the other motorist would result in some criminal prosecution. I guess I’m wrong here, as the Ottawa police do not wish to charge the Star net minder.

The following link details the story in a slightly different light. What’s more is that the fans and anti-fans get to have their say in who’s guilty without actually witnessing the event.
http://www2.sportsnet.ca/blogs/hockey_hearsay/2007/09/07/road_rage_hits_rayzor/#comments

If I were a betting man, I’d put my money on the pattern. Seeing as how A) Emery has had some driving issues in the past (where he was found guilty), and B) Rayzor#2 has been known to freak out, I would guess that the second article is an accurate depiction of the happenings. Albeit the aged have their set of challenges behind the wheel, the issue for me isn’t the cut off, as I’ve been cut off hundreds of times and never forced another car off the road to confront them with their driving incompetence. My issue is with the lack of decorum of this NHL superstar, and his favoured treatment.

Regardless of the at-fault party of the initial automobile altercation, these types of road rage actions should be recognized and disciplined without favouritism or bias.

If Ray Emery ever brings himself across my blog, I’ve included a test to determine one’s susceptibility to road rage. http://www.peelpolice.on.ca/Crime%20Prevention/PSAP/ecms.aspx/$prp/pdf-files/crime%20prevention/RoadRage.pdf

Mr. Emery. As a fellow driver I implore you to drive more cautiously and with greater respect for fellow drivers. Accidents happen and you should know. You were at fault for the May Accident. I really don't care who you are. I hale little tolerance for road rage and bad drivers.

I’ll buy your soul for a holiday!

2007-09-04T09:26:00.000-04:00

So, going against my initial decision to never talk about religion or politics, I really feel the need to discuss the upcoming Ontario provincial elections.

I’m not about to point out the differences between the two front-running parties, as I’ve already decided who I’d like to win the provincial election, and know my opinion will be biased.

I’d like to address the “Promise” of a holiday if the Liberal party is re-elected into power. Now, normally, this would sound like a whiz-bang idea. Hey, who doesn’t want an additional holiday? Holidays benefit almost everyone from carnies, to alcoholic beverage producers to students. My issue with the “Promise” involves the timing of the announcement. During Dalton’s 4-year tenure as premier of Ontario he never once hinted at the inclusion of an additional holiday. So, why now? Could it be the last grasp at a political straw? Well, this promise comes with incredible timing, as an election is set for this upcoming October. I feel cheapened by the promise as it bears very little forethought and skirts many of this year’s big political issues. I would compare this election “Promise” to giving a sucker to a screaming child. The sucker doesn’t address the issue as to why the child is screaming, nor does it offer any long term resolution to the screaming child’s ailments. All this equates to, is an attempt to divert attention for just enough time to squeak out a minority election win. I cannot and will not be bought or placated like this. It makes me feel cheaper than the time I had a dream about sleeping with a Bangkok whore.

So, you may ask yourself why I used quotations around the word “Promise”. Well, if this years election mimics the last election, we can assume that most of the promises will be broken or greatly modified form their original intent upon instatement into office.

PS> If you need to add any fuel to the Dalton fire, he’s a rabid Sens fan.

Please do some research and vote. I really don’t care who you vote for but please make an educated decision this October 10, 2007

Out with the old and in with the new

2007-08-23T17:03:00.001-04:00

The Ottawa Senators have updated their logo in hopes of shedding their patchy past for a bolder future. I for one commend the Ottawa franchise.
The New logo offers sharper bolder lines and the following upgrades:
-No longer will the logo have a COCK-EYED mascot. Yeah, you heard me. I said cock-eyed. The Team spokesperson described the new Senator mascot as “Focused”
- The cape is much more defined and no longer tattered. The cape also hangs over both shoulders. Now if you ask me, there’s only two people in the world who can get away with capes and the O-Sens mascots isn’t one of them. 1) Superman. 2) Count Chocula.
-Flesh tones were removed to give a more menacing appearance. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m afraid of Albinos too. They hit this nail on the head with this one. Albinos = Freeky
- The Plume and the Helmet have become better defined. Nothing says limp wristed pansy like disorganized plume. Shit, I straighten my plume daily.
-The New Senator’s chin is more defined and larger. I think I can speak for all us bum chinned people when I say you missed the boat on this one. Nothing says mean like a good ‘ol bum chin. Having a bum chin is like flashing the world the moon every day. This is why I smile.

Overall, I’d have to say I like this logo much better than their past logo endeavours. I’d like to close-off by saying that when I play hockey I am less intimidated by the jersey than I am by the player. So, it’s nice to get a meaner jersey, but so long as you keep filling the sweaters with the likes of Alfredsson, Vermette, Fisher and Heatley you’re not going to create the aura of a mean team. Honestly, these guys don’t look like stone cold killers. Oh wait… Scratch Heatley off that list. ZZZZing!

Old Logo on the Top, New Logo on the bottom

Ye of little class

2007-08-06T12:04:00.000-04:00

I’d like to preface this long awaited entry by saying that in all non-specific terms and with swooping generalization (redundant redundancy), that I hate other drivers. Maybe it’s because everyone has their own driving style? Maybe it’s because of inconsiderate drivers? I don’t know. What I do know is that our current laws around driving do not address the growing slow and stupid factor we’re faced with today. But I digress. You see, the real focus of my entry is not the aptitude of drivers; rather it’s the lack of courtesy of motoring enthusiasts.

Picture yourself driving down a tree lined windy road. The sun is shining bright, you’ve just washed your car and you’re enjoying every minute of your pleasure cruise, when in the distance you make out an oncoming vehicle in the opposite lane. My first instinct is ti try and figure out the make/model of the car. In this case it was a third generation (1980s) Chevrolet Camaro. Now, as fan of American pony and muscle cars, I can appreciate almost brand/model of automobile. I am however partial to the Ford Mustang line of automobiles. As some of you may know, the rivalry amongst the Mustang and Camaro crowd is no secret. I could care less about rivalries, and distance myself from any “Who’s Better” arguments. For me, debating cars between enthusiasts is like eating the crab salad at a Chinese buffet. You just don’ do that shit.

Well, back to my pleasure cruise down Mississauga road. So, I see this guy in a 5-tone (Yeah, the quarter panels, doors and hood were all different colours) Camaro approaching with his arm out the window. As we pass each other, I can see he’s waving me the thumbs down and making a disgusted face in my direction. As I look back in my side view mirror, I can see that his arm is no longer extended out the window.

Am I to believe that this guy is so displeased with my choice of automobile and styling that he needed to let me know as we passed eachother on the road? Unfortunately, I do not doubt that this occurrence was no conincidence, or a ill-timed thumbs down to life. I would like to believe that this was all a matter of chance, but in the humble opinion of this blogger that this is not just "Something That Happened." This cannot be "One of those things..." This, please, cannot be that. And for what I would like to say, I can't. This Was Not Just A Matter Of Chance.

I would just like to announce my limited tolerance for disrespectful people. If you are a stranger and disapprove of my car, hair style, choice of clothes or cologne, please keep it to yourself. If you’d like to comment on my mind-barf of a story, please feel free to. My views on this topic are up for debate

Italicized text was inspired by P.T Anderson’s 1998 film Magnolia

The birds don’t give two shits – Except when it comes to me.

2007-06-14T09:35:00.000-04:00

So, I’ve recently found myself a target for birds. Whether it’s their feces or the sudden and startling resurrection of a bird from the dumpster, they seem to want to be a part of my life.

Just yesterday I was “lucky” enough to have a pigeon shit on my shoulder, as I was paying for a parking spot in Toronto. Now, I’ve heard throughout my travels that bird shit is quite lucky. I beg to differ. I wonder why poop and superstitions go together like KFC and Ice Cream. The superstition of stepping on dog shit with your left foot while in Paris is also thought to be lucky yet I’ve never heard of any shit steppers winning the lotto. In fact throughout history, shit has been very unlucky. Take for instance Cindy Lauper’s comeback tour. In 2004 Cindy Lauper went on a worldwide tour to promote her album of American song standards. While on concert in Massachusetts, she opened her gullet and whaled out a high-note, leaving her trap ready for any bird to take its shot… unfortunately, a seagull passing overhead couldn’t resist her cavernous pie hold and dropped one right in it. Cindy continued to sing. So, if this bird excrement was so lucky, don’t you think Cindy would still be touring or releasing albums 3-years later?? Nope!

I’m sure that if I put more effort into it, I’d find that Saddam Hussein got shit on and stepped on poop in Paris just before his final losing stand.

My story brings me to today. This morning, I took some trash to the dumpster as I do on occasion. I approached the uncovered dumpster, and hurled a sac of refuse into the receptacle. As the bag crashed down into the other trash, 3 seagulls and a crow flew out of the bird buffet, nearly scaring the shit out of me. It’s only 7:40am and I’ve almost soiled myself. As my heart rate slowed down, I walked to my car, only to find that a bird managed to lay some sort of Picasso art form on my rear windshield. It looks like a cross between the eBay giant Cheeto and Leonardo DiVincci’s last supper. I was in shock as there was no way one single bird could have done this. It was just way too big. I’m convinced there’s a bird conspiracy against me. I wiped away as much as I could and proceeded to the driver side, where I found a small brown bird tag left slightly above the handle. Upon further inspection, the bird managed to get its excrement right inside the handle directly on the area I’d normally use to pull my door handle open.

I’m a firm believer in rectifying a situation at its root. My solution is to run for premier of Ontario. My first duty would be to enact a Right to Eat law that would allow people to hunt and eat Geese all city foul without penalty. I’d even create city foul cooking stations where people could BBQ their freshly caught bounty. Not only would my law limit the nuisance birds in the city and suburbs, but it would also help feed some of the under-privileged Ontario constituency.

The freaks come out at night

2007-06-11T00:27:00.000-04:00

I’ve been in my new place for roughly a year. In that time, very little of significance has happened in the way of Drama with my neighbours. Sure, there are some odd ones. Here’s the historical breakdown of the weird yet harmless neighbours:
Burger Boy – it could be -25 degrees outside and he knocks on my door to asks me if I have a Spare frozen burger for him
Busy Body Senior – Nothing escapes her attention, except for employment. It’s amusing to see a senior who’s claiming disability partake in a running water fight with a 9-year old girl.
Tantrum Child – Tantrums are frequent and fierce. Luckily they don’t happen until the mornings, which don’t affect me as I’m a morning person. The only time a 9-year old will ever beat me to waking up is on Christmas morning.
All night partiers – My kind of people aside from the constant chronic smell
Over-Friendly awkward guy – A simple hi is enough. There’s no need to show me your latest purchase – a Wolf print T-shirt.
White Puffy – As a professional security guard, he’s up earlier than an Amish farmer after a harvest moon. At 5:00 he sits on his balcony (Which is attached to mine), blares rap songs on continuous loop, while smoking a DuMaurier. The smell and sounds are as pleasant as waking up to as waking up in a pool of your own vomit after a bender.

This brings me to the present time. White puffy moved out to train monkeys in Mongolia. Burger Boy got a job as a professional sex fetish surveyor (Do you prefer chicks who squirt?). Over-friendly awkward guy has moved to a “haven”. I can only imagine he’s moved into a Northern Reflections store. The all night partiers have moved out, which brings in Unemployed Shit Disturber.

Unemployed shit disturber always seems to be under the influence of drugs or alcohol. Her associates include “Ted the garbage man”, “Guillaume the shadow creeping assassin”, “Junior, the loveable beer stealing mute child” , and a host of the sketchiest looking characters you’ve ever seen. I wouldn’t be shocked to find out she makes friends by combing homeless shelters and pervert’s row looking for the seediest and least-bathed people in the group. So, Unemployed Shit disturber professes to be my new apartment superintendent. Hooray for me! Within a week of her moving in, she has made enemies with the neighbourhood kids and brought in a guard dog that attacked her puppy.

This evening, I had the privilege of running into her as I was unpacking my bal hockey gear. She gave me the rundown on the happenings in the area.
1) Some kids harassed her son, and subsequently started lighting off fire crackers and smoking crack.
2) The police were called because her car was vandalized
3) Her guard dog has peed on everything in the parking lot. (I assure you the aroma is quite delectable)
4) She brought Guillaume over as her bodyguard to rough up some kids since the police did nothing. Guillaume was extremely secretive, and carried a bag of goodies he was going to use to assault some children.
5) She’s a Police recruit, who has a job waiting for her as soon as she heals her bum knee. How did she aggravate her knee you ask?? Good question. I asked the same thing. She was assaulted. Yeah. She got into a fight and was beaten with a weapon. I didn’t ask for further detail.
6) She’s told me 4 times that she’s having a party with Hors D'oeuvres. The hors d’oeuvres are bolded because she mentioned it about 13 times. I hope there’s sausage rolls. I also hope she doesn’t think that hors d’oeuvres is a fancy way of saying Swinger party. I assure you I wouldn’t poke her with your dick.
7) Each time I speak with her I can’t help but get an overwhelming sense that she’s either drunk, high or both.

Welcome to the land of fear. I can’t wait to wake up tomorrow morning, pick up the Monday edition of the Mississauga News only to find a photo of Guillaume on the front page with a heading that reads “Crack Addict Assaults Teens with 14” Rubber Dildo”

So, where have my old landlords gone? Good question. I have no clue. My former landlords are octogenarians. The male is friendly and easily confused, while the female spits as she talks and always smells of a ripe diaper. Both very nice people, but somewhat ineffective in lording the land. I guess that’s where the new super comes in. Ultimately, I could care less. I think I’m a great tenant I don’t cause problems, help old ladies up the stairs while carrying their groceries and pay my rent on time – Usually. Although I’m usually pretty hands off from the whole lording issue, I really don’t think this lady is fit to handle the super position.

I can’t make this stuff up. I assure you all accounts of this story are accurate and true.

PS> I just found out my neighbour is a clown. She seems like a pleasant clown. I wonder if she breeds balloon animals.

Kreskin has been born into me

2007-06-07T13:26:00.000-04:00

Kreskin has arrived!

Yes, it’s true I do posses a smidgen of Psychic ability, but my latest prediction was one of my crowning achievements.

Let me preface thy latest prediction with some of my more notable predictions.

Maggie Simpson Shot Mr. Burns. I pulled this way back cliff-hanger from my ass. I knew it would have to either be Mr. Burns’ shadow or Maggie. Since the Shadow couldn’t hold a gun, the Shadow was the obvious dummy choice. Maggie’s Cool blue stare at the baby with the one-eyebrow sealed the deal for me.

Mayor Hazel McCallion would win the 2003. With Stiff competition from Masoon Khan, Charles Coober, Larry J Mancini (Or J-Bird as his friends call him), and Dyal Chanderpaul, McCallion squeaked by with 92% of the votes.

My latest prediction was that the Ottawa Senators would lose to the Anaheim Ducks in 5 games. I stand here before you, the all knowing king of predictions.

Since you’re eager to fill your baskets of knowledge with some of my predictions I will forecast some of my latest predictions. Please remember that my predictions are to be used only as humour and not to be used for betting or wagering.

1) Someone will invent a cure for stupidity and I will have to stop writing these notes
2) Mayor McCheese will be involved in a controversial Legal battle, but will get off on a technicality
3) Paris Hilton will one day have her Vagina surgically shut
4) The Leafs will win the Stanley Cub before the Senators ever will

Top 10 reasons why you shouldn’t cheer for the Ottawa Senators this Playoff Run

2007-05-25T00:05:00.000-04:00

10) You’re condoning failure
The Senators toiled in the bottom of the division for 10 years of their 16 year existence. Not only do they hold the record for the worst season ever by an NHL franchise, the NHL initiated a draft lottery because they monopolized the first pick by tanking year after year in order to garner the best draft selection.

9) The team has a history of Whiney players
Alexandre Daigle, Alexi Yashin, and Jason Spezza have all demanded trades from losing teams to be traded to better teams. I don’t know but really, isn’t a contract a two way agreement??? Shouldn’t you understand you’re signing with a crappy team when you sign the initial contract. Ever hear of sucking it up and taking it like a man?? This brings me to my next point

8) The team had to get support from the Canadian government to escape bankruptcy
I would have much rather given funding to the Nords or the Jets over the Sens. Why do you ask?? Well, when the Sens filed for bankruptcy protection nobody cared. They had the poorest attendance in the league and their fan base was non-existant. The Nords had a great fan base, as did the jets, but their market was too small. Much like Ottawa.

7) Sens fans are primarily composed of ex-leaf fans who jumped the bandwagon. It’s true. Once a Leaf fan, now a Sens fan is quite a common switch. To me it would be like going from straight to gay. NOTE: There’s nothing wrong with being gay. I know plenty of gay people who aren’t Sens fans

6) Ontario Premier Daulton McGuinty likes them
This guy looks like he could confuse a hockey puck with a basketball. What’s he doing backing a hockey team. I’m sure if you asked him who the Senator’s captain was he’d reply “Mayor McCheese”

5) They have a tough time selling out playoff seat
Are you kidding me?? A team makes the playoffs and their seats aren’t gobbled up by fans and scalpers? What more does this team need to do to get the home crowd to buy tickets?? Maybe they should give free autographed posters of Daulton McGuinty with every ticket purchase. With a team comprised of first round picks and government funding, how can you go wrong?? It’s not like you’re paying the high prices leaf fans have to pay to watch the home team. Come one fans!! Have some pride.

4) They’re proven Chokers
Yeah, I know they’ve made it pretty far this year, but really. Based on history, if you were to place money on the Sens right now, you’d have better odds betting on Webster if he were to fight Mike Tyson. Yeah, I called him Webster and not Emanuel Lewis.

3) Their logo isn’t fitting of today’s Senators
Yeah, we don’t even call them senators. Why does the team logo depict someone who’s going in to fight. Please tell me the last time a Politicial suited up and joined the army in a fight. They’d be better off having a photo of Steven Harper eating a cheeseburger while winking and making a gun symbol with his hand. Their logo is as far from a senator as the Sabres logo is from a Bison. On a side note, the Sabres new logo looks like a cross between a retarded sperm and an upside down Nike symbol with eyes.

2) The Post-game workout interview
Hey, I know you’re fit. I know you exercise 10 hours a day. Take a rest. It’s after the game. The post-game workout interview is about as inappropriate as jerking off after getting a blow job. HEY, it’s over. Time to relax.

1) You should already be a Leaf fan
Yeah, I had to throw this one in there. Ok, but really, if there ever was a team this year that got away with more cheap shots I’d be surprised. Let me explain. Emery’s Slash to the face of Laperier, Neil’s hit to Drudy… The list continues. For some reason Colin Campbell has a hard on for letting this team off the hook. I don’t know why. Maybe Muckler is good with the pocket pool.

You know what grinds my gears??

2007-04-20T07:39:00.000-04:00

Yeah, so I thought I'd take a page out of the Peter Griffin/Family Guy book to create lists of things that "Grind My Gears"

-Having my windows down and driving behind smokers. I know that it's public air and all, but I don't want to smell your tobacco waft.

-Drive Through never gets your order right. I'm sure they have some sort of system to purposefully screw up your order. How can it always be wrong?

-Splitting drink/meal bills among friends. Every time someone takes it in the pooper, and if it's not someone at the table, it's the server.

-Slow Drivers. Need I say more? no? but I will. If you want to drive slow, take the bus. You'll get there in the same amount of time and conserve energy.

-Children with snot wads hanging from their noses. Hey Parents! I know looking after the booger flow can interrupt your relaxing Tall Mocha Non-fat Latte, but really, I'd like to enjoy mine without being reminded of Slimer from Ghostbusters. **Double Gross when it runs down the chin and the kid starts playing with it.

-People who don’t wave when you let them into the lane. Hey Pal, I just did you a favour. Either you wave, or I’m going to sling used batteries at your car. That should be an allowed law. Conversly, I can't stand people who don't let merging cars in. It's the law. Let them in. Attica! Attica!... ok, wrong context.

-People who ask to bud in line because they “Only have one item”. My answer is usually NO. Why? Hey, if I wanted to wait in line a little longer I would have picked a longer line. I see the shortest line because I want to wait as little time as possible.

That’s about it for this installment of “What Grinds My Gears”

BONUS: Calvin pissing on things. What's the deal with that? That sticker doen't need to be in your car window.

Where did we go wrong?

2007-04-19T14:30:00.000-04:00

So, I thought it would be funny to list some of my more memorable date/relationship occurrences I’ve encountered over my “dating life” up to this point. Some people may able to relate, while others may be able to pick themselves out of this list. Please enjoy the list and take no offense, as it’s all in good fun. Relatives and people who think highly of me may not want to read any further.

-You thought I sculpted my “John Travolta” chin with my fingers each night
-I don’t want to date you. You’re a Drug Dealer.
-You were upset when I made you breakfast in bed because I woke you up when I washed your dishes
-You need to drive too sometimes
-You didn’t know the meaning of “Stop Short” or “Cop a Feel”
-You are married??
-You took Valium on our second date and couldn’t walk on your own
-You drip slobber on my chin when we kiss
-You never drove, and made me drive to the club on my birthday
-Your cousin made us late because she wanted to have sex in a field
-Your Ex came up in conversation far too much
-I’m sure we both like oral, so please, return the favour
-You never introduced me to your family… even after two years
-Your best friend thinks you’re insane… See the third point
-I was scared of your driving
-Let’s talk about me sometimes
-It’s ok to smile once in a while… some people actually think I’m funny.
-Don’t set me up on a blind date if the only photo you have is 10 years out of date – A lot can change in 10 years
-You didn’t buy me a drink after I caught your pick pocket
-You’re not fun to sleep with
-You get too drunk to do anything - every night
-You talk like a farmer
-Silence is not always golden it’s ok to be loud sometimes
-Quit staring at me – it creeps me out
-When I go down, I have no choice but to swallow, how about you take one for the team
-Harry Potter sucks more than you think it does
-You always smell like cold cuts
-I found a used condom in your room – It wasn’t mine
-It’s ok to pick up the bill once in a while
-I don’t like breast milk
-You really should warn people where you apply your numbing gel. I was liable to bite off my tongue
-I’m not your muse.
-Your cats make the house smell like crap
-I know it was you! I know it was you! There’s only two of us in the car, and it wasn’t me

Magic Spray Allover My Face

2007-04-17T16:11:00.000-04:00

Note: To all Doctors, Medical Researchers, Lab Technicians, and Nobel Prize hopefuls:

If you’re looking to cure the world’s most notorious ailments, including but not limited to hang nails, bruises, broken bones, cancer, AIDS, erectile difficulty... look no further than the world’s most popular sport. Soccer has discovered a miracle spray that seems to cure all ailments. I’m sure this miracle spray can cure anything with which it comes in contact.

I have had the privilege of watching many Soccer events. No matter if you watch World teams, Premier leagues or Amateur leagues, Soccer trainers seem to have an abundant supply of this “Magic Spray”. Regardless of the magnitude injury, you’ll be sure to see a trainer run out on to the field with a stretcher in one hand and the “Magic Spray” in the other. With the “Magic Spray”, the trainers ease the pain, rejuvenating players and allowing the noble soccer start to continue on with their elite play.

I can recount numerous occasions where a player has been laying on the turf, writhing in pain, tears running down his face, and as soon as the yellow card is issued to the offending player, and the magic spray is applied, to the injured player miraculously curing him and allowing him to continue his play as if he no longer hurts. I know it sounds fantastic and impossible, but believe me! It’s true! The “Miracle Spray” does possess powers beyond my comprehension.

I implore all medical experts to test the powers of the “Magic Spray”. I have seen the noble soccer player, tackled in mid-field; the tackled player’s arms flailing, followed by a six foot leap into the air and finishing with a tuck and roll technique, only to land squarely on his side, grimacing and shrieking in pain. A fall this gruesome could only be accompanied by broken bones and ruptured spleens, yet, the one and only thing that can cure his anguish is to wait for acknowledgment from the ref and to have a member of the trainer staff apply the mystic mist from the “Magic Spray”

John Ferguson Jr. Must be released for the Leafs to have a chance at success.

2007-04-12T14:12:00.000-04:00

I seriously doubt that MLSE brass would actually read my blog, but in the rare hope that they do, please take my advice, and fire JFJ. Before you go ahead and dismiss my request, please read on and you’ll soon discover that although the current GM has made some wise decisions, they are far overshadowed by his gaffs and misses. Nevertheless, I do believe that maybe one day, JFJ will be a great GM, the Leafs fan base cannot sit idly by and support a developing GM.

It has been close to four years since JFJ was hired as GM of the Toronto Maple Leafs on Aug 29, 2003. During that 4 years, the Leafs have fallen from a playoff favourite to a post-season phantom. JFJ’s tenure and timing could not have been set-up any better. With the aid of a lockout, JFJ had the opportunity to mould the roster into anything he wanted. The Lock-out afforded him the time to wait out any heavy contracts signed by the previous GM as well as pick from a two year pool of unrestricted free agents. His actions and decisions did little to improve the organization. A list of noteworthy signings and gaffs would include the overpayment and signing of Pavel Kubina, Bryan McCabe, Jason Allison, Jeff O’Neil and Aki Berg. Although I do believe that both McCabe and Kubina are assets to the team, the price paid and sacrifice of money in a salary capped league restricts the potential signing of other players. Signing Tough guy Tie Domi to a 2.5 Million contract was quite the head scratcher. With the likes of Ben Ondrus and Wade Belak to take the reins as the team’s heavy fists, what would be the use in re-signing Tie Domi, only to have him retire the following year?

One of the most frustrating inactions of JFJ is his inability to make a marquee decision or trade. Two trade deadlines have come and gone during his tenure and he has failed to make a significant move at either season-changing point. His ability to straddle the fence and not make a season altering decision is only overshadowed by his signing of former Toronto Maple Leafs (al la Luke Richardson, Drake Berehowsky, Travis Green, Yannic Perrault). Two straight trade deadlines and twice, JFJ was faced with the decision to improve the team and make a legitimate run at the playoffs, or to give up on the season and deal out the that summer’s free agents for draft picks or future talent. The repercussions of throwing in a season at the February trade-deadline would normally be a possible dip in ticket sales or season ticket holders however, the ACC is sold out every game, and season tickets will still sell no matter how poorly the team does, as proven by the Harold Ballard years.

MLSE, please take my advice, pick up a “Byan Colangelo” for the Toronto Maple leafs. As you did with the Raptors, drop the Rookie GM, and pick someone with experience who can turn the team around.

Please! Bring us a team that will not only beat the Senators in the Playoffs, but also in the Regular Season.

Until then.... Go Sens Go??

The Darwin Fish Should Burn in Hell

2007-03-02T10:54:00.000-05:00

I’m sure you’ve been driving down the highway, or walking in a parking lot and have come across the symbol of a Jesus Fish glued to the back of an automobile. These fish are a Christian symbols, more commonly known as Ichthys’. These fish are as common on automobiles as are Sikh symbols, or decals of Calvin pissing on stuff. Normally, I could care less about stuff people wish to glue to their automobiles, but more recently, I have become upset with the vision of the Darwin Fish.

What’s the Darwin Fish? Well, the Darwin Fish seems to be a take on the Jesus Fish. The Darwin Fish is similar to the Jesus Fish except it faces to the right instead of the left, has the word “Darwin” written in the body and has somehow sprouted legs. The Darwin Fish is a direct mockery of the Jesus Fish. I believe it to be disrespectful and extremely insulting to Christians to say the least. I am not a Christian, but am completely appalled by this display of disrespect of one’s religion. I’m sure if someone placed a modified image of the Sikh Khanda with a penis attached, or a Star of David with a Swastika stuck in the centre, it would be deemed disrespectful, yet the Darwin Fish is looked upon as comical and acceptable.

I can assure you that I don’t think that defacing any religious symbol is acceptable. I believe that all religions & beliefs have the right to be expressed but not at the expense of others.

If you know someone who has a Darwin Fish, go out, congratulate them on their incredible intellect, and praise them for mocking someone else’s religion. I’m sure that’s what their looking for. Why else would they want to mock someone else’s religious symbol?

PS> I believe in evolution over creationism, but am not about to go out and start defacing people’s religious symbols to prove my point.

Dean Blundell on Edge 102 Sucks it like no other!

2007-03-01T19:22:00.000-05:00

If you’re not from the GTA, Edge 102 is THE Alternative rock station. We here in Toronto are blessed with 15 Adult contemporary stations, 4 dance stations, 2 urban stations, multiple classic rock stations, and countless easy listening stations, yet we have only one alternative rock station. ¾ of the weekdays and every weekend, my dial is firmly tuned to Edge 102. The programming is more or less diverse although recently, they seem to have a hard on for wolf mother.

So, what do I listen to the other ¼ of the week days? Well, Weekday mornings, I tune in to any station that does not broadcast Dean Blundell and the Show. I’d rather have my anus scraped clean by a seashell than have to listen to the 3-man morning show team broadcast on the Edge.

I do admit that sometimes they can be funny, but they take the jokes to a point where they’re no longer enjoyable. The humour on most part is low brow, but the team insists on repeating jokes until they become annoying. Each morning I can expect to hear the same joke about gerbils in Richard Gere’s butt, hear about Todd’s latest attempts to rail girls or Jason’s whiney commentary on both.

I think I’d have to say my biggest beef with the show is how great Dean Blundell thinks he is. Stump the show was a clear example of his desire to feel superior. The premise of the game was to ask the trio a question that they could not answer. With the aid of the internet, they were able to answer almost any question. On the rare instances where the answer was too difficult to find, the team would deem the question stupid and hang up on the caller. I am sure you’re laughing at it right now. Honestly, yeah, that’s a pretty funny joke, but multiply this across 4 months, every morning and the stick get old.

I’ve heard Dean bash Lakeport breweries and the other buck a beer guys for being crap, yet shortly after their tirade, the edge aired a Lakeport brewery ad. Since then I have yet to hear Dean-o bash his sponsors. I guess the Man can be bought.

I could go on about this issue, but would rather you find out how bad they are on your own. I do think that Todd is a pretty funny guy, and Jason has his moments, but Dean Blundell has to go. I’d like to see Todd leave the show to peruse his dream of being a Robocop look-alike (He looks like Peter Weller as RoboCop. Maybe it’s the lack of Eyebrows).

Sexiest Songs

2007-02-13T14:31:00.000-05:00

In honour of Valentines, I have created a list of the sexiest songs I can think of. Please keep in mind that I do not have a degree in Sexy, nor do I claim to be Sexy.

In no particular order here they are.

Hey Pretty (Drive By Remix) – Poe
It’s a Mans Mans Mans World – James Brwn
Darling Nikki – Foo Fighters
Got You – Flys
Ooh La La – Goldfrapp
You can’t always get what you want – The Rolling Stones
Son of a Preacher Man – Carly Simon
The Hunter Gets Captured By The Game - Massive Attack With Tracey Thorn
Teardrop – Massive Attack
Glory Box – Portishead*
David Bowie – Thursday’s Child
Cowboy Junkies – Sweet Jane
Painted on My Heart - Cult

For that moment when it’s all done and over – A smile
Fuck Her Gently – Tenacious D

If you get laid while listening to one of these songs, please post a comment. We’d all like to know that at least some of my readers actually get laid :D

*Anything Portishead will do. Their albums are the bomb for Sexy!

Ulla the Eastern European Mouth Specialist

2007-02-09T10:11:00.001-05:00

So, I had the privilege of going to the dentist yesterday. Normally, I am quite excited about my dental visits. Everyone is friendly, the cleanings take no more than 20 minutes, my dental hygienist is friendly & attractive, and the dental assistants are great!

This faithful day, my dentist managed to switch my dental hygienist with another…. Ulla…. Ulla’s miniature stature and fair complexion should not be taken lightly. The middle aged eastern European must have been trained in the KGB style of mouth torture and agony testing.

She started by instructing me to wear goggles. I’ve never worn goggles for any of my dental procedures. It wasn’t as if I was going to be shaping chunks of steel on a belt sander I was going in for what I believed was a simple cleaning.

Before even inspecting my teeth, Ulla began questioning my dental cleaning routine. I was told that I should brush more than 2-3 times a day, and that flossing once every other day is unacceptable. I agree, I should floss more and leave it at that. La Femme Ulla then continued to berate me on how bad hygiene causes strokes, bad breath and ulcers. I conceded and told her that although I don’t floss daily, all the dental professionals who inspect my mouth would agree that my teeth are in good shape and I take care of my pearly whites.

Hooray for me. She’s stopped lecturing me about gingivitis. The live action 50’s style guilt film is over… But then… Ulla the enforcer offers me some brochures and instructions on flossing. I interrupted her to assure her my teeth are fine. I attempted to bargain with her. “How about you take a look at my teeth before preparing any literature. I haven’t had any complaints to date”. Ulla Opens my mouth, only to find that Yes, me teeth are in great shape and actually quite clean. She compliments me on my teeth and begins to insert foreign objects into my mouth. In an effort to prove me wrong, Ulla manages to find a patch of plaque and decides to show me what plaque looks like. She pulls out a barber’s mirror and begins a double reflective view of my mouth. Ulla has trouble finding the plaque source, but manages to find it once again. She then lectures me on the affects of plaque build up once again. I thanked her and told her once again, that I understood her concerns and will make an effort to brush at least 3 times a day and floss daily. Obviously, she hears the annoyed tone in my voice and promises to stop lecturing me and will begin her lingual intrusion.

I won’t bore you with the details of my ordeal; however, Ulla managed to stick a dental tool up my nose and drew blood, then proceeded to poke my gums exactly 32 times, plus 3 scrapes. Following her dental swashbuckling, I was punched in the head while she tried to swing the chair around, soaked with pressurized water. And as the grand finale, she managed to get her leg caught in the mouth vacuum hose, jerking my head aside as she left the cleaning room to get the actual dentist.

Before leaving, Ulla had one other parting surprise. She had printed and laminated blurbs on gingivitis, tartar build up, and flossing techniques. The dental assassin placed the sheets on my lap and asked me to read them while she flagged down the professional.

Needless to say, I will never let that lady near my mouth ever again.

So Many Haters out there.

2007-02-02T11:18:00.001-05:00

This past couple of weeks, I’ve come across a few websites, posts, and groups focused on hating one thing or another. Whether it’s a sports team, automobile, religious view political party… The list goes on and on. I would really like to understand why people can’t embrace their own believe without putting down another.

As an example, I came across the “Mustangs suck, and a Honda can do more than a mustang”, and the “The Ottawa Senators Suck” groups. Albeit, the Senators may suck, Why create such a group? Why not focus on a joint admiration of all other teams, or a single team?

I just had to get this off my chest.

More recently, I was browsing a deals forum, when I came across a post for a $1 book. The book depicted the top 100 moments in Toronto Maple Leafs history. Unfortunately, 70% of the follow up posts detailed how much the Leafs suck. To mean, the Leafs sucking isn’t much of a deal, where as the book was an incredible deal. The flood of useless bashing really ruined the deal thread.

I am puzzled as to why people hate The Leafs, Mustangs, Political groups? Did a Mustang go out and kill one of their relatives and since then, they’ve felt the need to exact revenge on the automobile model? Was a Toronto Maple Leaf, the guy who created Global Warming? Maybe the entire Liberal party of Canada threw sand in the hater’s eyes when they were young? I am at a loss as to why people hate another group, team or inanimate object. How really can someone hate an inanimate object?

Bank Case 2: Penniless and pondering

2007-01-25T15:26:00.000-05:00

Saturday afternoon, and I’ve been working all day. It was the second day of my new job, and I needed to pay for my film development, get changed and showered, and run back to training for dinner and evening festivities. Being that Wal Mart (the 7th circle of hell) was the closest place I could develop film, I was forced to use their skill-less photo lab technicians to develop my film. After waiting an hour and a half to have my film developed, it was finally ready. I went to pay and found that my debit card was displaying insufficient funds. I found this odd, as the preceding Friday was a pay day. I was sure to have money in my account. I was also sure my card was functional, as I had used it earlier in the morning to pay for the film, currently being developed. I was forced to pay by Credit card.

It was 3:30, and I promptly called the Bank’s 1-800 number. After waiting on hold for 20 minutes, I was forced to hang up, as I had arrived at my destination. I thought it wise to use a land line and save myself some airtime. I re-called the bank, and waited another 20 minutes. I finally heard a voice. As usual, I was asked a series of security questions, used to thwart would be thieves. The CSR informed me that my card had been used at a location, known to compromise debit cards. I thanked her for canceling my card, and informed her that I needed money for the evening. The CSR was unable to help me. Since my card was cancelled by the fraud squad, I would have to get my money directly from a bank. Unfortunately, at 4:20, there are no banks open on Saturday (one of the many gripes I have with banks is their unaccommodating business hours). Essentially, I was stranded. The CSR then told me I could use my VISA to withdraw cash. The VISA withdrawal would have been a good idea had I remembered the pin that was given to me 8 years ago. I told the CSR that I didn’t know my VISA pin and could not withdraw any money. I then asked her if I could transfer my money to my account with an affiliated bank. The CSR informed me that since my card was frozen; all my bank accounts were frozen. I was left without cash. I asked to speak with a supervisor or member of the fraud squad. The CSR then promptly hung up on me. I am sure it was an accident. No… really…. I am. I called back once again, and once again, waited on hold for 20 minutes. Again, I answered my security questions, and spoke with yet another CSR. I explained my story to the CSR and he passed me on to a supervisor. The supervisor echoed her subordinate’s statements verbatim. My accounts were all locked and there’s nothing I can do about it until Monday (I later found out that although my card was frozen, they could have processed a transfer… but that’s a whole other story). I was puzzled. What is the point of the security questions to validate my identity over the phone if they really can’t do anything with my account? The supervisor repeated to me that she could not validate my identity and therefore could not unfreeze my account, or transfer any money for me. I guess this location that compromises debit cards is also housed with special Psychic Cashiers, who can predict my mom’s maiden name, guess my birth city, envision my first kiss and knows the name of my third grade teacher. Note to the readers: Never underestimate the psychic abilities of crooks!

It was now after 6:00. I had been on the phone with the banks for a couple of hours, and am penniless. The Bus is about to leave for our dinner destination, and I don’t have any money to do anything. This really sucks. I explained my situation to my new manager, and he loaned me $60 for the evening. On the bright side, we ended up going to a club in the evening, where the Bartender recognized me from Humber College. She gave me free beers and shots all night long.

Monday rolls around and I meet with my personal banking advisor. I explain the situation and she’s appalled. She tells me that I should have received a call as soon as my card was cancelled and she would call the Head office to investigate further. She gets me a replacement card and destroys the tainted card. She was surprised that it’s Monday and the bank still hasn’t called me to notify me my card was cancelled. Standard protocol is to call within 24 hours of an incident, but usually call immediately after canceling a card to avoid the situation I went though. Later that day a Fraud Squad member called me and notified me that my accounts are in order and no funds were siphoned from my account. He also notified me that even though my card was cancelled, my accounts were still active and should have been able to transfer money to my affiliated bank card. You really have to admire those clueless CSRs.

Friday evening, I’m at home and receive a call on my phone. I am asked a series of skill testing and personal questions. My bank has decided to call me and notify me that my card was compromised last week, and if I have used my card since. I was extremely pissed at this point. It took my bank a week to call me to notify me that my card was compromised?? This poor CSR got the brunt of my anger. I asked her if this was a joke, and if it was normal to call someone a WEEK after their card was cancelled. She told me that her supervisor had asked her to call me. And there it was. It was a pity call. I guess someone got in trouble for not calling me a week ago and tried to make amends by calling me a week later. I don’t hold the CSR here at fault at all. The problem lies with the way banks treat their customers. In the end, I would have been better off keeping my money in a jar beside my bed.

The above was yet another reason why I hate banks

Bank Case 1: Waiting at a bank

2007-01-24T10:42:00.001-05:00

I figured I’d start off my case files with the quickest and most recent bank case.

I decided I’d start saving for my future and invest in some RRSPs. I currently invest money for retirement, but was looking for something a bit more stable. I opted for a Bank RRSP. It was 3:00pm on a Thursday (extended hours day) and I was the only customer in the bank. I walked up to the customer service desk and informed the CSR that I’d like to open and RRSP account. I was asked to take a seat. After waiting 15 minutes, the CSR approached me with some news. Unfortunately, all of the personal bankers were occupied and could not assist me. I’d have to come back another day. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m appreciative of this CSR’s advice, however, I would have liked to have known 15 minutes earlier that the bankers were all busy. Isn’t it her job to know how long each banker should take and when a banker should be free? So I left the bank with 15 minutes of my live given to the bank.

I then went to visit the bank on Saturday at 2:45. When I spoke to the CSR at this bank, I was informed that there wasn’t enough time to process my RRSP as the bank was to close at 3:00pm. I then glanced at the hours of operation, and noticed that the bank was open from 9:30 – 3:00. There was nobody in the bank, yet I was once again turned away.
The following Monday, I visited a different bank branch at 3:00 pm, and notified the CSR of my intentions to open an RRSP account. After waiting 25 minutes, the CSR asked me if I wouldn’t mind waiting two more minutes before meeting with a personal banker. Hooray for me!!! I’m going to finally meet the illusive personal banker. I imagine this is how the tin man felt when he finally got to meet the Wizard of Oz. Unfortunately, what the CSR meant to say was “Excuse me sir, would you mind if I let all these people behind you, ahead of you?”. Shortly after asking me to wait a couple more minutes, the CSR proceeded to usher the two clients who followed me into the bank, to their personal bankers. I waited an additional 15 minutes before the CSR asked me if I wouldn’t mind coming back another day as all the personal bankers were now occupied. So, I’ve been sitting in the waiting room for 40 minutes with nothing to do but play gold on my cell phone, and now the CSR has the nerve to ask me if I could come back another day. In total, this bank branch, which I shall remain nameless, has robbed me of over an hour of my time (I’m including drive and park time). I politely told the CSR that after waiting 40 minutes at her location, I wasn’t leaving the bank without setting up my RRSP. I waited an additional 10 minutes and met with my personal banker. He didn’t look anything like the Great Wizard of Oz. He was bumbling and tried to sell me a third RRSP solution.

All in all, this was a horrible experience, and hope that I’ll never have to deal with this bank until my 65th birthday. They’ll take my money, invest it without my intervention.

Please stop being so hard on Banks! – A real inconvenient truth

2007-01-24T10:18:00.001-05:00

I am a true friend of the bank. I get upset when people slag banks for being inconvenient, costly, inattentive, and self serving.

Why should banks be open before you leave for work, or after you finish work? I think we’re being a bit selfish in thinking that banks should offer hours of operation longer than 6.5 hours a day. Listen up bank customers, bank employees have families too. I’m sure they’d like to maximize the time they spend at home as much as you. Don’t you think it would be indecent to ask them to spend an entire 9 hour shift at work, simply to accommodate the customers? It’s true that banks close for every holiday, celebratory day and soon enough, mothers/Father’s Day; but let the employees have their days off! Really, these holidays aren’t coming as a surprise to us customers. They fall on the same days every year. Who cares if Veterans Day falls on a pay day? You’ll have to visit a money mart to get your cash pensioners! You should make it a priority to visit a bank on your lunch hour, the one day a week the bank is opened late, or on a Saturday. Brave those 30 minute line ups and understand that the banks really are here to serve you.

The banks have made numerous attempts to accommodate us customers. The banks have listened to our requests for later service hours, and have appeased us by introducing ABM machines and Online Banking. Where would I be without those 24 hour ABM machines? These two marvels of modern technology are godsends, albeit convenience does come with a price. Every ABM and internet transaction carries a minimum $1.25 per transaction price. I trust that my $1.25 transaction fee feeds the needed research used to prevent internet banking fraud, and ABM card scams. Just 5 months ago, my bank card was defrauded, duplicated and used. I am confident that without each of my accumulated $1.25 bank fees, they wouldn’t have had the manpower to cancel my card, and then notify me about it a week later. That one week notification could have easily been two months or longer. It’s this personal attention I don’t mind paying for.

When requesting personal branch banking, I don’t mind waiting 30 minutes for service, before being asked to go home as the bankers are all busy. Really, how could they know that the customer who preceded me would take over an hour to finalize a mortgage and house signing papers? I know that my time and patience is valued; it was written on a placard, hung on the wall.

I really do live banks and the services they offer. I leave these thoughts with you: Why do banks need to operate under business hours, and work unofficial holidays that accommodate the customer? What’s the big deal about them collecting a measly $1.25 each transaction they process for us? Doesn’t the service they provide reflect the cost of business? Aren’t banks always looking out for our best interests, and not only interested in milking us of every penny we own?

If you’d like to learn more about my experiences with banks, please read come of the Case files I will pos shortly.

The Bermuda love triangle

2007-01-22T10:40:00.000-05:00

Since my life is somewhat of a bore recently, my friends took it upon themselves to thrust me into their relationship woes. One of suck incidents is the story of Bryan and Martina. The names have been changed to protect the innocent. Actually, I changed the names because it makes it feel a lot more covert this way.

Saturday morning, I was up at 8:00 am, working hard at rebuilding my home PC, when all of a sudden I receive a group MSN message from one of my best friends. The message reads something like this “From: I AM A BIG CHEATER, I DON’T DESERVE MARTINA BECAUSE I’M A LIAR AND NEED THERAPY: Message: I’M A LYING CHEATER WHO HAD SEX WITH A 19 YEAR OLD AND PRETEND I’M 23. I NEED SERIOUS THERAPY”

Knowing my friend would never send out a message like this, I called him to make sure everything was on the up and up. He knew right away that his ex had logged into his account, changed his name and send a mass MSN message to everyone on his contact list. I was asked to run some damage control. As a good friend, I logged into his account, changed the password and sent out a message noting that it wasn’t he who sent the message. Everything fixed! I’m such a good friend; I deserve a pat on the back, or a Porsche. Before I could log off, one of his female coworkers sent a suspicious message to his account. Knowing who she was, I identified myself as Steve, and assured her that Bryan did not send out any messages. The coworker response was again suspicious.

My friend came over to my house and brought me up to speed on his situation.

He and his girlfriend broke up. They decided to try and work though their issues, but the relationship was far from stable. Friday night, his girlfriend paid him a visit at work, and was treated to a brood of female coworkers, each with an axe to grind about Bryan. They regaled her with tales of his possible infidelity, womanizing and general attitude toward his female coworkers. All of the tales unsubstantiated, but were enough to cause the troubled couple to break up once again. Martina slapped Bryan in front of his coworkers as she stormed out. I’m sure the coworkers felt a sense of accomplishment and justice as their meddling had caused grief for their nemesis.

So, here we are back to Saturday afternoon, where Bryan is in need of some cheering up and direction. As most guys deal with grief, I offered him beer, chips and porno. He accepted the porno. As Bryan left, I received a message form Martina. She wanted to express her sympathy for dragging me into the situation. Instead of me accepting the apology and letting her go on her way, I defended my friend and questioned the motives of the coworker informants. This led to a lengthy MSN discussion that took over most of the day. In the end, it turns out the coworkers really weren’t as honest as one would think. They definitely had an agenda and malicious intentions. To my knowledge, Martina and Bryan still aren’t together or on speaking terms. I am no longer a part of this situation, and nor do I want to be.

My gripe with this situation would have to be the coworkers. This incestuous group of schemers must have been looking to cleanse their souls in some way. I don’t know how to describe this group of people. They live like gypsies, with no common bonds, or order, just the law of the land and look out for themselves before others. If you haven’t already guessed, they’re servers at a chain restaurant. Unable to see further than their next paycheque or screw, and consumed by the server lifestyle, they have nothing better to do than to spread rumours and lies about a guy trying to better himself and build his life. Please don’t get me wrong. Not all servers act this way, but this particular store seems to find the lowest of the low.

I had to get this off my chest as this entire incident managed to rob me of a weekend fo relaxation and computer rebuilding.

Baby Lassie scarred me for life.

2007-01-18T10:28:00.000-05:00

As some of you may have already seen, I have a tiny scar that runs from the base of my nostril to my upper lip. If you attended Vista Heights public school, you may know it as the Bugger Chunnel.

You may wonder how I got such a scar. Well, wonder no more as the mystery of the Chunnel is about to be told. Please feel free to pause from reading, grab some pop corn and a frosted beverage. I’ll wait.

Picture a 3 year old toddler, vacationing in Malta. This 3 year old is happy and active yet bored out of his mind. He stayed with his family at his grandparents’ house. Unfortunately, for a 3 year old, Disneyland and time at spending quality time with the family are polar opposites. What’s an active 3 year old to do? One brilliant idea is to chase a miniature collie around the house. Similar to a midget crocodile hunter, he stalked his prey and chased it from room to room until the dog settled under a bed. Seeing as how the dog had nowhere else to go, the toddler crept under the bed, and grabbed the dog. Victory! This miniature collie will go well in his imaginary trophy case. Much to the toddler’s surprise, the collie didn’t want to go without a fight and swiped at the toddlers face, tearing the skin and leaving behind a sizeable gash.

If you haven’t already figures out, the toddler was me. I think I mentioned earlier in the blog how this was my story. Please keep up.

Well, my parents carted me away to the clinic where the doctor applied a butterfly stitch to my lip and instructed my parents to keep an eye on me. The trouble with a facial wound is that if the butterfly stitch were to come prematurely undone, it could result in a permanent facial scar, and in turn an unbalanced moustache. No sooner does the doctor instruct my parents to keep an eye on my lip as I tear off the Band-Aid and start picking at the scar. My parents knew at that point that re-applying the butterfly stitch would result in futility.

So, here I am today, with a scar on my upper lip and a story to share with the world. I’ve attached a photo of my big sis, my dad and myself, all sporting matching Band-Aid moustaches. I think it makes me look like a menacing Tattoo from Fantasy Island.

Enjoy the pics.

Oh, and if you were wondering, the collie’s name was Snoopy.

Giving up the Booze

2007-01-17T15:33:00.000-05:00

Here it is, the announcement of the hour: I have given up booze for two months. Now, to those of you who are non-drinkers, or don’t consume booze while attending social gatherings, this may seem like a small feat. I assure you that it is not. I have been drinking some form of alcohol at least once a week for close to 10 years.

Although drinking socially for 10 years, with the occasional bouts of serious drunkenness, and projective vomiting wouldn’t sound like alcohol abuse, by pure definition, it is. I don’t consider myself an alcoholic, and don’t use alcohol to medicate. I enjoy sipping wine with meals, drinking beer with spicy foods, and having pints with friends.

So, why would I want to give up booze for two months? Well, for three reasons.

1) I want to save money (booze aint cheap unless you make it in your bathtub, or drink fermented pickle juice)

2) I am trying to cut out some calories. I’m not as active over the winter as I am over the summer, so I’d like to cut calories where I can. I’d like to have a six pack this summer and not the kind I carry around in a cooler.

3) I want to cleanse my body of toxins. I’ll just replace the booze with copious amounts of water

So, there it is. I’m giving it up. I have been abstaining from alcohol since Monday Jan 15. I have allotted myself 3 drink days. I plan on not using them, but you never know.

Hooray Accident season is here!

2007-01-15T14:12:00.000-05:00

The first big snowfall in Southern Ontario brings a smile t the faces of plow operators, tow truck drivers, and amnesia specialists. Unbeknownst to some, every year, between the months of November and March, Southern Ontario is hit with Chances of snow, icy roads a freezing rain. Although this is an annual occurrence, many of us forget how to operate our vehicles in this challenging weather. If you are reading my blog, and have found this SURPRISE winter snowfall has caught you off guard, please read on for some helpful advice.

Please do not panic. Remain calm, and try to remember how you managed to drive in this weather last year. I know how easy it may be to forget a skill you use only one third of the year, but please try for me. Try to remember how sudden acceleration results in minimal progress. Keep in mind that not only is sudden braking impossible on ice and snow, but can result in a complete loss of control of your vehicle. Forget not to make lane changes well in advance, and be sure to use the signal.

No matter how late you get to work, you’ll be even later if your car is wrapped around a pole, so please drive safe.

I hope that I helped at least one person with my blog. Especially the bad lady driver with the green Toyota minivan (you know who you are).

PS> Remember 4 wheel drive really helps in acceleration & driving control, but will do crap all when you’re trying to stop a skid.

Vanity Mirrors – Your Driving Companion

2007-01-11T09:42:00.000-05:00

I would like to remind all my female readers that the automobile vanity mirrors are to be used while the automobile is not in motion, and that rear view mirrors are not for checking your make-up. For 15 consecutive work days, I have found 14 women and 1 man preening in the vanity and rear view mirrors while driving an automobile. The man was a special treat as he was attempting the ever tricky “Moving while nose hair trimming” trick. I believe this trick was attempted by Harry Houdini himself, and caused the great one enough stress to almost quit the magic business.

In any case, I’m amazed at how many people choose to sleep in the extra 10 minutes, rather than take the time at home to put on make-up, shave, pluck, brush, and style themselves. The above duties should not be performed in a moving vehicle.

I would really like to see the statistics of accidents involving beauty care products. Anytime there’s an accident and a bottle of booze is found in the wreckage, it’s assumed the driver was drinking or had open alcohol in the vehicle. I’d like to see the stats where beauty products were present, or found in the wreckage. I can almost guarantee you that it would outnumber alcohol related accidents 3 to 1.

A place of Sanctity

2007-01-09T11:02:00.000-05:00

So, imagine, you’re in the can, trying to herd a turd and your blackberry goes off. You A) read the message and make a note to get to it later, B) Ignore it, but finish up so you can get out and return the message or C) Pinch and reply?

If you chose C, you’re probably like many people these days. Last night, I visited the mall, and had to visit the urinal, when I heard quick and precise tapping beside me. I heard the distinctive button tapping of a Blackberry keyboard. I polled some of my blackberry using friends and found that most of them will receive and reply to messages while in the can. Maybe it’s just me, but I think it’s completely wrong. It’s right up there with bringing the cordless phone into the lou.

Using a public toilet is bad enough. In the rare emergency situations where I need to use a public toilet, I assure you it’s a quick in and out operation with little time to sit and read email messages let alone reply to them.

Is technology so invasive that the toilet of solitude has now been infested with Blackberries, TXT messages and phone calls?

If ever I see someone with a Laptop in the john, I’ll be sure to take note and ridicule them appropriately. What ever happened to the rolled up newspaper, or the skin rag?

Sayonara UFO Canopy Monstrosity

2007-01-08T11:21:00.000-05:00

Yes folks, as many of you don’t know. I have the pleasure of working in a Herman Miller cubicle. What? You don’t know who Herman Miller is? Well, he’s the Andy Warhol of office furniture. I could describe my desk as something in-between a helicopter and a wad of phlegm. It has been nicknamed the UFO, the Lily pad, the chicken wing and my favorite, the in flight beetle. I’ve included a photo. Unfortunately, this isn’t the photo of my desk. My desk is an off white and cream coloured mixture with a tan canopy. It’s accented by the red marble, yellow & grey walls in the office.

So, it’s not so much that I don’t like the desk or its situation. In fact my cubicle mate is super cool and with the mesh walls, it’s easy to carry conversations with her throughout the day. My problem is with the lack of privacy and lack of storage. The swing out drawer is large enough to hold a few CDs and a pack of Tic Tacs.

This week, I’ll be moving to a new desk, with storage, 3” thick grey fabric walls and privacy. Currently, my desk faces the VPs office. Everything I write, view, brows, research, or work on is on display like the woolly mammoth at the Royal Ontario Museum. I frequently get asked about my computer backgrounds, or what programs I’m using.

I will soon be a free man.

2006, please meet 2007.

2006-12-31T10:30:00.000-05:00

The final Blog of 2006 Woo Hoo!

Then again, I really didn’t start my blog until this month. In any case, Happy New Year to everyone who actually takes the time to read my blog. To everyone else, you can have a mediocre New Year :P.

2006 ushered in a lot of change for me. I moved into a new apt. with a new roomie, switched jobs, and broke up with my girlfriend. Everything has been positive so far. I hope 2007 will be just as good to me. I could really care less for New Years day. Here is a brief list of my New Year’s past:

2006 Stayed in and got continually berated by my girlfriend (“She’s crazy” is a nice way of putting it)

2005 Cleaned up after a sick friend at a house party (puke never comes out of Suede)

2004 Rented a hotel and cleaned up after a sick girlfriend (Who’d have thunk that drinking the Jacuzzi water would make you sick)

2003 Got sick at a bar and narrowly missed a girl with projectile vomit (The beer had to be above 5%)

2002 Stayed in and played drinking games with a bunch of Americans (This water tastes like beer)

2001 Celebrated New Years in NY City with the soul leech (She sucked my will to live and that’s about it)

2000 Bus captained a trip to Montréal with my sister (Je suis un bon garçon, Je suis un bon garçon)

This year doesn’t seem to be shaping up to be any better. After having 3 different plans cancelled, I’m left to fend for myself this NYE. My options are as follows: Hang out with my cousin, her boyfriend, my sister and her boyfriend, and go bar hopping downtown, or go up north to a motel party. With ride in full affect the downtown option doesn’t seem like a viable one. I would like to go out and drink a bit this year.

My thinking is this. The suckier the New Years Eve event, the better the year turns out. That being said, I think I’m going to stay in and wallpaper my room in used postage stamps.

Happy New Year Everyone!

Suckiest computer in the office

2006-12-21T15:15:00.001-05:00

Suckiest computer in the office

I know that in some third world countries, people don’t even have a computer to surf porn in their own houses, while I get the luxury of a portable porno downloading device. Yes, I have a work Laptop. But this isn’t your ordinary work laptop. This thing was built for business in the trenches. The latches and buttons are all made of metal. I’m sure that if it ever came down to me needing to use my laptop to shield my body, I could probably use it to stop high velocity sniper type bullets. Its bulk and rigidity is only surpassed by its weight. At just around 6 Lbs, this thing is a beast among laptops. The only downside of this laptop is that it moves slower than the fat kid in the “photos with Santa” line-up. I’m not going to get into technical details, but when it takes 2 minutes to switch between email messages, there’s something wrong. I am supposed to be getting a new computer since mine is the worst in the company. I have been told that the office no longer uses computers slower than mine, and mine is the only one of its kind. So here I am, with the most junktastic laptop the office has to offer.

I really needed to vent. It just took me 20 minutes to shut down and reboot my computer.

As a disclaimer, I’d like it noted that I in fact do not download porn on my computer. I just thought it would be a super cool introduction.

Moo-Shoo Nightmare & Spare Rib Sorrow

2006-12-20T09:43:00.000-05:00

Two years ago, almost to the day, I was shot down by a cook at the Mandarin. Yes, Two years ago this week, I was stricken with food poisoning at the Queensway Mandarin. In an odd coincidence, two years later, my departmental Christmas lunch is being held at that exact same Mandarin.

A lot has happened in two years. I’ve switched jobs, moved out on my own, gone through two relationships, bought a new car, and became an official member of the Colombo mystery solvers club. A lot has changed for me, but the one thing that hasn’t changed is my fear of Chinese buffets. Is it shrimp, or is it chicken? You never know because they cover it all in sauce.

I hesitantly accepted the lunch invitation, in hopes that they’d change the location. Unfortunately, I am going to have to go to the Mandarin, and take on my second worst fear. I can only think about the Mandarin debacle aftermath. The cleanest way I can describe it would be to say I was burning the candle at both ends. Think about it for a second, then get back to me.

T minus two hours and it’s the moment of reckoning. If I come back a changed man, you’ll know why. Some people have a fear of flying. I have a fear of moo-shoo chicken.

Enjoy the holidays.

You’re not good enough for a card!

2006-12-15T13:29:00.001-05:00

So, because I’m a festive guy, I like to give out Christmas cards to some of my coworkers. Now, I’m not the type of guy who slaps on a recipient name and a sender’s name. I’m the guy who throws in a personal message. Maybe the message is funny, or personal, or an inside joke, but in all cases, it’s personal and meant for the recipient. In an office of 200 people, of which, I work with 100, there’s only so many personal cards I’d like to write.

This year, I wrote and distributed 40 cards. 20% of the entire office got a card. That leaves 80% of the office cardless. While handing out my cards, some non-recipients asked me where their cards were. I could only reply by saying “I ran out”. My “Ran out” excuse has to be the worst excuse of all. But really, who asks for a Christmas card? I made sure everyone who wrote me a card received one in return, in addition to the people with whom I worked closely. I shouldn’t be obliged to give every person a card. They’re more like a prestige item. I would like my Christmas cards to one day become the “Beanie Baby” of the office. The type of stuff people get into fights over, and would sell their mothers for.

Ok, maybe I’m asking for a bit much here. But either way, if you get a Christmas card from me this year, you’re one of the lucky few. Cherish it and keep it in a box next to your bed.

Did I dodge a bullet or miss the bullet train?

2006-12-14T10:28:00.000-05:00

While shopping for my older sisters Birthday gift (she’s a Christmas baby), I ran into an Ex girlfriend. Now, while this may not sound too strange, let me give you a little bit of history.

History:

She was my first ever girlfriend. We started dating in college, and maintained a relationship that lasted two years. I say “maintained” because by the end of it seemed like we were going through the motions of a normal relationship. Things were pretty much middle of the road. Aside from the usual couple’s spats, nothing significant happened. I eventually ended the relationship, hoping to find something more interesting, something less normal, something more me. That didn’t sit well with her, and we have never talked since. I saw her in the mall a couple of years ago. When I approached her to say hi, she took off with her mother and husband in hand.

So, I bring myself back to yesterday. While shopping for a gift, I saw her in the mall with her husband, child in carriage and another one on the way. For a moment there, I dodged a bullet. The baby bullet. I knew she wanted to settle down and that wasn’t for me at that time. I was 23, had only had one girlfriend and was just starting my college social life. I couldn’t be tied down, and wasn’t about to go out and have fun behind her back. So I cut loose and let her on her way.

The sight of her with baby caused me to think about all my past relationships, and to wonder what they’re up to now. I’m not going to go out on a “High Fidelity” inspired Ex hunt, but I do wonder what else I dodged. I believe that all my past relationships ended for good reason. Whether it was her infidelity, my blasé, or not wanting to be with the most miserable person alive, I have decided to end three quarter of my relationships. I initiated the break up in 3 of 4.

So, am I being too picky, or is it a matter of not wanting to settle? I prefer to think that I just don’t want to settle. It’s really not fair to either party involved. My friends tend tot think I’m being too picky. But that’s only based on my history. There’s really no truth behind it. They tend to pint out the fact that I stopped dating people for the following reasons: Looked like a cat, smelled like sausage, didn’t have a job or car, was a drug dealer, was too old, was too young…

To me, these are just dates. They’re not relationships, and I believe that all the past relationships ended for good reason. Albeit I’ve only had 4 serious relationship, they all started with good intentions and ended honestly and for very good reasons.

I really do think that back when I broke up with my first girlfriend, I did dodge a bullet. However, it does bring something to light. I think I’ve come to the point in my life where I probably want to start looking for a serious relationship again, but really don’t want it to cause me to settle.

Who you got? Aunt Jemima Vs. Mrs. Butterworth

2006-12-13T16:43:00.000-05:00

Yeah, so this morning, my roomie and I had a discussion about a fictional battle between Aunt Jemima and Mr. Butterworth. My roomie takes Aunt J because for someone who's "Just a head" she's created quite the empire, while Mrs. B is made of glass and easily broken.

I would think that seeing as how Mrs. B has arms and legs, her mobility and reach should be enough to take down the Face synonymous with Breakfast foods.

Continuing with the toipc, are Aunt J and Uncle Ben related? Is the quaker Oats guy and Mrs B getting it on? Who knows?

Out of all the Food-product mascots, I'd have to say the Jolly Green Giant has them beat. I know the Keebler elves could unite and may do some damadge, but I'm sure with enough Asparagus and Watter, The JGG would be able to drown the tiny Keebler village in a flood of asparagus smelling urine.

This is one heck of a first blog entry! See this level? this is where all my blogs will live. I'm not going to try to sound smart in intellectual, but I wll provide you with an amusing pre-work read, and through of the day.

So... Who you got?

I hate those MAC commercials

2006-12-13T16:42:00.000-05:00

It has come to the point where I can’t go anywhere without watching those misleading MAC commercials. Not only are they inaccurate, but they’re also boring and not very funny. So, now I take it upon myself to start a legion of MAC rebels.

Don’t get me wrong, I use a MAC as much as the next guy (which is almost never), but I think that dude from old school needs a swift kick to the dingleberries. Next plan of action, get that nerdy PC guy a date. That’ll really show the MAC dude. Remember Nerd-o – Shit happens when you party naked!

The latest MAC ad depicts the Nerd-o computer guy covered with stickers and tags because he is being used to make movies, mix music, and play games. Nothing really funny or wrong with this picture except if you think back to one of the original commercials where the MAC has the edge because it can mix music, create movies, and the PC can’t.

I tend to think that the people who write these MAC ads have no long term memory, or are also used to create George Bush election speeches.

All in all, the MAC commercials depict half-truths, and misconceptions about PCs. This sounds more and more like an election ad.

I really think the PC guy should be more menacing. I think the Nerd-o guy is pretty cool actually. Maybe they should get K-FED to be the PC guy. Then everyone would hate it.

Finally if you need just one reason to hate a MAC, here it is:

A MAC computer killed Vanilla ICE, Steve Irwin and The Hamburgler.

(The above statement has no substance whatsoever)

Thanks for reading.

My first post

2006-09-28T16:59:00.000-04:00

Well, my first post should probably introduce myself, but instead, I'll use it to complain about people taking my name.

I've had this name for over 12 years, and still, I continually find people using i, or adapting it. my personal fav is some guy in the far east, who emailed me, asking if he could use my name since he liked it so much. Since I'm a nice guy, I added him to my blocked list and asked him to search for a new name.

Crazykaka.blogger.com seems to have been taken by my nom de plume nemisis.

I don't know. Maybe it's just me, but if you like somone's name, pay hommage to it, don't steal it.

Leave the stealing to the Record labels, Pirates and the Governments.

Thanks for readin, I'm sure the rest will be better than this.

Random Made up thoughs/quotes:
I invented Al Gore
-The Internet